I know most of my posts are depressing reflections of situations and thoughts, but this one has at least a small sort of an upside to it: I have found myself in a place with soft blankets, clean clothes, and the occasional day off.
I have "given up my unhealthy lifestyle to find myself and accept my body". Its one of the hardest things I've done, but I'm happier. Much, much happier. I still weigh myself everyday, and I still don't eat as much as I should, but at least its a step in [somewhat of] the right direction. My reason why? I'm tired of caring so much. I'm tired of feeling trapped in my body and not knowing what to do with myself. I am trying to get better, and I'm proud of myself. Sometimes, but not most times.
Today, I ate 686 calories. I had 1/4th of a burger from burger king, and a few bites of a Nacho Bell Grande, although I counted it as half. I eat as shitty as I want to, I swim everyday and my job involves walking around neighborhoods trying to sell people something they don't [nor will ever] want.
I still miss home and my friends dearly, but I'm glad I'm away from the awful place I was last. I miss the support of posting everyday and as much as I wish my depression was all gone, its not. I still have my bouts of anxiety and sadness, but it's not as frequent. Weight is also still a part of my life, although it too has taken a back seat to bigger more prevalent problems.
My boyfriend, T, is still around thankfully. Our relationship has progressed to a comfortable place and I feel like he's my best friend. He can be infuriating sometimes, but I'm glad that at least I can wake up in his arms and go to sleep in them every night. Stability, in whatever form it comes it, is always welcome.
Everything is still hectic and I still don't have enough time to check my Facebook, let alone keep up with my Blogger, so I won't promise you all that I'll post and read all your blogs everyday, but I do promise I'll at least read through them when I can and make sure all of you are doing okay.
I miss and love you all dearly.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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You are so strong...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you're doing okay, I was wondering about you!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with everything beautiful
ReplyDeleteYES YES YES GOOD AMAZING NEWS FROM YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteMaking this short to save your precious time :)
I love you and you are awesome and i wish you all the best possible luck <3
*HUGHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS!!!!*
I'm glad you're feeling better. I really hope it continues, because we all need to feel okay and because sometimes we do just want this to slow and stop.
ReplyDeleteYou say you're still eating badly. And looking at how you're eating...attitude is the first and most important step to having a life outside of this. But having a good attitude - or convincing yourself that attitude is good - while still doing the same things as ever is still an eating disorder. Its just another way for your eating disorder to convince you that you're Fine, after all... even if you're not.
*many hugs*
Keep looking forward!
I'm proud of you.. You're going trough a rough time and I'm glad you're feeling better. Giving up your unhealthy lifestyle is hard. I don't think I could. But I'm proud of you.
ReplyDeleteGoodluck and I hope things will get better everyday. xx
That is so amazing to hear!! It's a really tough decision, but you are strong, and I know you can do anything. Know that we'll always be here to support you, no matter what you're going through :)
ReplyDeletexoRoseox