Feeling Bitchy?

Fasted yesterday and most of today, then had 240 calories of oatmeal at the last second. [like ten minutes ago?].

Ive been in a pissy mood all day because im mad i can't eat lunchables. Or pizza.

And its making my day shitty.


Im surprised ive actually been thinking about food so much today, since it hasnt been a issue lately.



blah. took the batteries out of my scale.

I don't want to look at my weight. It never really changes anyways.

I guess im just waiting to wake up one day and be thin.


im contemplating getting more oatmeal.


or SOMETHING.

Its weird, i really havent been this hungry in a long time.


im tired.

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Cup

Okay so I definitely fucked myself over yesterday when I decided to have 50 calories worth of soup.

I completely ruined my fast.

So, I guess i'm going to fast today to make up for it.


I've been thinking about something a lot lately, and that something is whether im bulimic or anorexic.

Of course by the medical sense of the terms I would be diagnosed with EDNOS since I show signs of an ED but im not underweight.

But IF I was underweight, which would I be?

We all know I can't throw up to save my life [or my weight], but bulimia is actually characterized by binging and purging.
Now when I say purging, most people think purging = throwing up.
But, the definition of purging that accompanies bulimia patients is any compensatory behavior which includes throwing up, fasting, over exercising, etc.

Has anyone noticed that I usually have a hard time maintaining a set caloric intake, but I can fast my pants off if i've just finished binging?

But, when I first began to hate food [and my body], I was way better at restricting than fasting.


I feel like jack the pumpkin king in 'a nightmare before christmas'.
"what does it mean, what does it mean?!"


I love that movie.



Has anyone seen gemma ward lately?

I LOVE her as a model, shes got a really fantastic look but shes put on so much weight since heath ledger died [apparently they had a "thing"?]







It doesn't even LOOK like her, and I had to do some serious digging till I found out they actually confirmed its her.




One more thing before I go:
I would love to know WHY I associate thin with eating a lot.

Like everytime I see someone thin I always think "wow they must eat tons to get that small" then I realize that my statement make no sense.

Also, everytime im in the act of eating, I think "this is SO going to make me thinner" but then I remember that eating does not = thin.


I've been trying to break that association but I swear, everytime I turn around, there it is making no god damn sense.


oh, and you need this knowledge in your life:

http://www.aolhealth.com/healthy-living/longevity/flat-belly-shortcuts?icid=main|aim|dl3|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolhealth.com%2Fhealthy-living%2Flongevity%2Fflat-belly-shortcuts


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Haunting

Okay so I went a little overboard yesterday and ended up eating 300 calories.
Tear for me, back to fasting today.

I got a KILLER 3 hour workout yesterday though, because I went hiking with my sister through the forest/small mountain near our house.

So thats a plus.

I feel guilty?

No idea why.

I have some amazing thinspo though, so sit tight and get inspired.
































































stay thin, and I promise longer posts in the very near future!



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Turkey Dayyy

AWRIGGHT

So I managed to fast all day yesterday and I have to say i'm proud since all the food they made smelled delicious and they wouldn't stop offering me some.

But thank god, I made it out alive with non-stop glasses of water and coke zero.

Today I decided im going to eat [nothing over 200 though of course] and just keep switching between fasting days and restricting days.



Blah. Last night, I got into the worst fight with one of my exes because hes basically a slut and leaves me ridiculous voicemails and texts about how much he loves me. [even though I know hes a liar and has [2] girlfriends.]

But heaven forbid I bring this to his attention becasue he'll flip the fuck out and say im just causing drama.

According to him, i'm supposed to crawl around and wait for him to bestow his royal affection upon me, then hang on every word he says



Sometimes I wonder what world hes living in.




Off to go work out.

Stay strong everybody!


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Demi

So yesterday went great, and today i decided to have a soup during the day which was 150. other than that, ive just been drinking water.

I also haven't checked my scale yet, since I figure im better off not checking it till I feel thinner.

I'm really excited to fast tomorrow.

Plusss, I haven't been thinking about food like AT ALL.

I think I had a craving for chocolate once today, but it only took me a minute to pull myself together and ignore it.

Ah. I haven't beeing doing my school work though, which sucks because im behind still [like I have been for most of the year] but ill try to catch up some tomorrow.

Haven't been doing fantastic with exercising either, but I HAVE been volunteering myself for lawn and house work so maybe that'll start to add up.


I got my monthly issue of W the other day too and Demi Moore was on the cover.

She looks so fantastic and shes soo thin.

[I read this whole thing not too long ago about how photoshopped those pictures are though, so dont believe everything you see]





[notice how her right hip doesn't line up with her leg?]





I swear she looks like an older, more-weathered version of my mom. [sorry, demi]



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Jumper

Last night was fantastic.
30 calories, liquids included.
I also managed to find a system to get food off my mind, and for the most part it works really well.
but more about that later.

right now, id like to address "mysticangel8412" simply because every word shes written down to me so far has been quite unimpressive and her "constructive criticism" has done [almost] nothing to help me.

Id also like to take the time to stress that I don't WANT construct criticism when I dont ASK for constructive criticism.

So, mysticangel8412.

Posting a comment complaining about what I write and the fact that I haven't made it yet didnt exactly strike me as someone trying to "help" me or "push me to do better".

Since you've been obviously keeping up with my blog, you would know that my mother does this exact same thing and it only makes her look like a stupid whore. Im sad to report it had the same effect on you.

Also, in your first comment [you definitely succeeded in making yourself look like a random asshole there by the way] you described my writing as "melodramatic bullshit" and then turned around and said you think my writing is beautiful.

If I got offended without reason, its due to your shitty reasoning.

Its safe to say that anything you write is not taken seriously by me for the simple fact that since youre the one saying it, it must be utter bullshit. [see now THATS good reasoning.]

"I honestly do think you're going to succeed... but only for about 5 days, and then you will create the same hell for yourself that you always do."

Pertaining to the above statement: i'll have you know that i WILL prove you wrong, and when I get to my goal weight I will personally hunt you down, and shove it in your face. [of course only after the said 5 days is up.]

Id also like to let you know that you've successfully destroyed any enjoyment ill ever get from binging or eating solid food again.

I'm pretty sure this is the only positive thing i've gotten from anything you've written to me. [but this small fact makes up for everything else, right?]




So, standing by my original statement of "the next time you feel like talking to me etc." [you know, the part with the dick in your mouth?] id really love it if you would stop wasting your time commenting on my blog.









so now that im done with that, on to the system.

Im sure a lot of you have heard the whole "when you think about food pinch yourself" thing.
I've tried it, but all its ever resulted in is me irritated with blue bruises all over my arms.


Something thats always held my attention has been art and when I draw I become more consumed in what i'm doing than when i'm writing.

So yesterday, I successfully filled up my time with various art projects to do throughout the day.

Even though my hands were busy, my mind still tends to wander.

So everytime I start thinking about food I just stop.

I start thinking about something else, I pay more attention to the detail in what im drawing, i drink a glass of water, I move off the subject.

Completely block it out.


I actually noticed a drop in the amount i thought about food over the course of the day yesterday.

Another thing that helps, is if you find an object that isn't food related, and describe it in 30 words instead of dwell on what looks yummy at the time.

sounds easy, but after those first 10 you have to try a little harder.

Also, due to recent events concerning my parents, [im sure im just being melodramatic though, so i wont go into details] i've decided to start a fast today rather than continue to restrict.

Don't know how long for, don't know how much I weigh, don't really care.


P.S. - I definitely recommend you read / follow this blog. This chick is fantastic. Click!


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

The Fall of Troy

Okay so im back up from my fall.

I keep dreaming about food.
Ive dreamt about it every night since i last posted.
It's driving me insane.
I'll wake up at 4 in the morning and wont be able to tell if ive really eaten or not, and then ill get mad at myself for having ruined yet another potential fast.
I get the most anxious around night time.
Its when I usually sabotage myself by gorging on heavy food, and it's also a space of time right before the next day where I get to contemplate whether I want to start fasting again and risk failure, or eat and accept failure.

And ive realized thats exactly what im doing.

Im thinking too much about everything, analyzing it all in quick succession. I expect myself to lose twenty pounds in a few days, and become thin just like that.

Im too impatient, I won't give it a chance to work.

I've been thinking about what I said about the whole 'if i dont make it by december im giving up' thing.

And I can't do it.
I can't live without the struggle, because without it, what else do I have?
I need it to keep me busy.

It's like a city i've created, all my own to defend.
I am Priam, and this is my Troy.
If it goes up in flames, then I go up in flames with it.

I've been wasting my time thinking to much.
It would be so easy to just NOT eat.
It would be the simplest thing to just push the thought of food from my mind.
The fact that this is my obsession is whats keeping me from achieving it.

My plan is to slowly reduce the amount im eating, [by 200 to be exact] until im not eating anything at all.
And then I will just stop thinking.
And I will stop eating.


And everything will be fucking perfect.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Dreaming

I never really make it out of the 120's before I manage to give up.

I think the thing is, around the 4 day mark i start thinking that i'm never going to be thin, and im only torturing myself by fasting when im never going to get to where i want to be.

on top of that, the fact that i never exercise only makes me gain weight faster.

every night since i posted, ive had a dream where i was thin.

the best kind of thin, with shoulder bones and hip bones and cheekbones.

in my dreams people tell me im beautiful, and i feel like i could do anything.



i know i could accomplish so much if i just wasnt so negative.

i wish i didn't think the horrible things about myself that i do.


im tired of the constant battle with myself, im tired of hating my body, and im tired of the ups and downs.



somtimes, i just dont know what to do.





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

The Fuck Up.

okay so i was doing wonderfully last night until i made the [horrible] decision of getting drunk with my friends.

by the time i came home, my mom had just gotten back from being with her friends and ive noticed that when were drunk is the only time were really nice to each other.

so we hung out for a while and talked and laughed and danced all night, until she got hungry.

then she made a fantastic looking sandwich, and made me one too.

i told her i didnt want one, so she just stuck it in the fridge.


it was at this point i went to go spy on the sandwich, sitting there on its white plate pretending to be innocent.



long story short, i scarfed the fucking thing down like i was dying and followed it with chips and salsa.

then i went in the bathroom and threw up about 70% of it, checked my weight, and was ecstatic when i found out it hadnt changed at all.


i did some celebratory dancing and jumping jacks, then went to bed.


all night last night i had nightmares of my mother calling me a fat slut and telling me that she couldnt afford to keep feeding my fat ass.

i woke up crying two or three times, and finally gave up trying to sleep around 6 a.m. ish.

i got dressed, took a shower, and left to run errands all day.

met up with my mom later, refused lunch, then broke for a sushi dinner.


ate probably 12 rolls, felt like i was going to fucking kill myself, purged about 10% when i got home, almost cryed because i couldnt get anything else out, contemplated drinking hydrogen peroxide to make myself sick, decided it was a horrible idea, then took a cold shower.


and here i am.


right this very second my weight is 126 lbs.


i want to cry, i want to scream, i want to get wasted so i can blast depressing music and fall asleep, i want to work out, i want to throw up, i want to redeem myself, and i want to be thin, but im never going to get there.

i dont know what to do anymore.



i measured my stomach, and surprise surprise im three inches bigger than i was yesterday.


THREE FUCKING INCHES.

THREE FUCKING POUNDS.


on the bright side, at least it isnt all in my head.

on the other hand, im a fatass.

but we already knew that.


i wish i could purge.


im probably going to go find something to get me drunk so i dont have to deal with my issues.



what a fun world i live in =']





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Train

alright, day 3 of the fast and ive had exactly zero calories so far during the fast.

this morning i was still 123 though, which was disappointing but understandable.

i didnt work out as much as i shouldve last night.

i have to find a way to get off my ass and workout without making it feel like a workout.

any suggestions?

starting today im going to do 20 jumping-jacks every hour on the hour from the moment i wake up until 7. [i just finished my 3 o' clock ones.]

im also going to start keeping the house cleaner than i already do so i can get a few extra calories in...

oh and also, i read this fantastic study last night about fidgeting.

apparently, 150 women fidgeted everyday as much as they could [pacing while on the phone, tapping their feet, using their hands while talking, etc] and 150 women made sure not to fidget or perform any small un-needed movements during the course of 6 months. both groups were of similar build and were put on a 3000 calorie diet
for the six month time period.
during the course of that time, the group that remained still gained 16 lbs while the group that fidgeted only gained 2-4.

impressive?

EXTREMELY.

i really need to start writing down the places i find these things so i can cite my sources.

and, im going back to taking those diet pills that make me shake like a crack addict.

im sure the calories will start to add up eventually.





OH did i mention i found my measuring tape?

im definitely going to start keeping track of my measurements.



last night, i dreamt i got on the scale and it was morning and i weighed 114 lbs.

how long do you think itll take me to lose 9 lbs?

lets say if i fasted for four more days, then ate about 100-200 calories every day after that?

two weeks?

4 weeks?

six hundred bajillion years?


any estimate is welcomed.



for now, my STGW is going to be 119.

i think if i start out small, i might be more motivated to work out obsessively and lose some real poundage.

so, 4 lbs in four days.

that sounds do-able, right?




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

FANTASMAGASM

do you want to know something fantastic?

no i mean REALLY fantastic?


yesterday i fasted and this morning i am exactly 123.0 lbs.

thats 5 lbs down from the 128.4 that i was the morning i started.

its a miracle.

A MIRACLE.

i forgot how amazing fasting really is.

i have no idea how this could have happened.

could it be a combination of the aerobics plus the kick boxing times 2 hours in a freezing shower?

or maybe im just dehydrated, and this isnt real?

or what if i read the scale wrong?

im afraid to get on again.




alright so day one of the seven day fast im doing with elle. [if i could find her blog underneath the stacks of people, i would link it but im having trouble locating it right this very moment]


i can do this.

i WILL get low this time.

i cant let this 'lose 5 lbs free' card pass me by.

i will lose tons of fucking weight and i will be 110 lbs by christmas. [my new goal, inspired by ethereal pasco rose. if you havent started following her blog yet, then you need to. clickk <--]






alright.

im off to go sit my ass in a freezing shower, and sabotage all the food in the house.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Voracious

food never fixes anything.
i know this fact well.
its written, deeply etched into my skull but time and time again i chose to ignore it just so i can experience a moment of indulgence.

im not going to sit here today, and complain about how shitty my life is, or how frustrated i am with my weight.

im always going to be frustrated with my weight, no matter how much i weigh.
my life will always have shitty aspects, just like every other human being.

but i will say im not sure what im doing wrong.

i know i binge a lot.
but none of my binges ever really go over 1000 calories except one of my most recent ones.

technically, i should be losing weight anyways, binge or not because its biologically impossible to maintain my current weight with under 1000 calories.

i just want an asnwer as to why my body is so against me.

im starting the ABC diet again tomorrow because even though i lost basically no weight on it, it was still easy to stick to.


today i ate normally.
today normally consisted of two pillsbury biscuits, a sandwich with 1 slice of cheese, mustard, and 1 piece of lettuce, and half a cup of chili.

i feel guilty for every single piece of food that goes past my lips.


i just wish god knew how bad i want this.

i wish ANYONE knew how bad i want this.

i want it more than anything ive ever wanted before.


my desire to be thin overpowers any middle school crush, any christmas-time object that i just 'had to have', and any want ive ever felt.

this need to be small, small, small, makes all other feelings weak in comparison.


i crave this. i covet this.
i have a voracious appetite for hunger,
one that will never be satisfied.
and my absolute need for thin is consuming me.






XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Such Hostility

its fair to say i fucking hate my mother.

i mean i really, really fucking HATE my mom.

she never says ANYTHING remotely nice to me, and cant even bear being semi-pleasant to me.
this morning, she woke me up at 7 by screaming at me for leaving the toothpaste uncapped in my bathroom, and then proceeded to tell me im nothing but a lazy worthless piece of shit. [this whole 'lazy worthless piece of shit line is nothing new, ive been listening to it for the past 10 years so you might have heard this repeated in a few of my other posts].
so i get up, ON A SATURDAY, AT 7 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING, and get dressed for work [i have a real job now thank god].
i dont say anything to her, because i cant stand to even be in the same fucking room with her.
i ask her for a ride to work because i dont have a car [and i still havent gotten my license] and she bitches and screams at me, so i say forget it but she DOESNT SHUT THE FUCK UP. she just keeps running her mouth about how lazy i am and how much she dislikes me, so i call boyfriend and beg him for a ride to work.
of course he says no problem and drives me.

well, i get to work early [i was supposed to be working all day today but i dont start work till 11 and i dont usually work on weekends] and my boss is being cool for once and has me type up some easy shit and answer some phone calls.
about an hour or two later, he tells me i can take the rest of the day off since there wasnt as much to do as he thought.

i call boyfriend, who comes to pick me up.
i apologize for making him drive me everywhere blah blah blah.


i get home, and my mom starts yelling at me to clean the kitchen since "obviously im not doing anything important with my life".

i dont complain, and get it done even though its a fucking disgusting mess in there. [no one cleans in this fucking house except me. and IM the lazy one?]
then she makes me clean the bathrooms and the living room dining room, etc.

i dont complain, and just get it done.

afterward, she makes me clean out the garage and rake the lawn.


afterwards, i tell her i have to go do school work that i didnt get done yesterday because the internet was being fucky.

then she screams at me for not getting it all done yesterday.
when i tell her i couldnt get it done because the internet wasnt working right, she just bitched at me some more and said she hates me and my stepdad because were both lazy.


then i tell her that she doesnt have the right to bitch at me for his problems since its fault shes with him.
then she tells me her life would be better off without assholes like us [me and my stepdad] in it and that if she could go back and do it again she would.
then i tell her she shouldve kept her slutty legs shut and she wouldnt be having this problem.
then of course she cussed me out and i went inside.


later, she comes into my room and tells me to get dressed to go out.
i get dressed and of course she has a problem with my outfit. [im not really sure why since it was just a long sleeved shirt and jeans.]
she tells me to borrow something from my sister and see if it fits me.

of course i think shes joking because my sister is 10.
so i go back to my room and put something else on and go back out.

once again she has a problem and tells me to try on something of my sisters.
then i ask her what the hell would make her think that i could fit into a ten year olds clothes and she gave me the whole "i could when i was your age because i was just SOOOOOO THIIINNNNN" speech.

well i tell her that she should get a job that actually pays money instead of wasting time with her company [that she owns that is now failing] and then maybe she could afford to be me clothes that dont look awful on me.

then she tells me its my fault that im a fatass and that i "probably inherited the fat gene from my dad" and i tell her the fat gene is a load of bullshit and then she says "well whats your excuse then."

so the woman who is always complaining about me being "too thin" and "not eating enough" currently thinks im a fat whore.

though i cant argue with her on the fat whore part, i still think shes a bitch.

if i end up seriously fucked up in the head when i get older, she is the reason why.




im going to go binge now.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Short

okay so,
yesterday, i had 300 calories and i feel much more... balanced.
i decided to take your guys' advice and start off slow for the few days after that awful binge.
i didnt check my weight after the binge, but as of right now, my weight is back to 125 lbs exactly.
im debating on whether or not i want to fast today or if im going to have 150-200 calories today.
if i eat, its for the simple fact that fasting so close to a binge is a liability.
yesterday wasnt too hard to pull off, though the last 100 calories i had was because i got bored and ate cereal.

im actually afraid of milk now.
its like i can SEE the little lipids of fat floating around in there.
so, i just dump out the skim milk and continue on my way.


sorry for the post being so short, i have tons of work to get done so i should probably go start on that.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

FUCKFUCKFUCK

oh god.

i did it.

i ate the pizza.

and then this huge awful fucking binge happened and idk how it got that far it just happened like one second i was sure i didnt want to eat the pizza and then before i knew it i was inhaling food and now i dont know what to do and...


how am i supposed to fix this?

what am i going to do?


i wasnt even hungry

i was doing so well and i fucked it all up over a piece of pizza and now im going to be fat forever and ill never get thin

this binge isnt even a justified one


my stomach is HUGE and bloated and hurts and i feel sick because i ate too much


ive probably had 1000 calories by now.


oh god.


this makes me ugly.


im ugly now, arent i?



this has fucking destroyed me.


this has made me worthless.


i am defined by the contents of my stomach.


i didnt even eat good food.

i binged on shitty food and im having a shitty day and i didnt get any school shit done and im a failure and i just want to cry but i never can and FUCK everything.

i dont understand why everything has to be so fucking hard for me.

i havent been having just a shitty day, or just a shitty week, ive been having a shitty past 6 years.

im so horrified that i might end up not accomplishing the things i want to and end up this fat broke ugly awful loser with no house and no car and no dog and i just wanted to be fucking HAPPY but shit never works out the way its supposed to and my parents always have to be such assholes and theyre always buying me candy because they want me to end up a failure so they can laugh and tell me its all my fault but they dont get that im going to end up fat by my own hand and i dont need them to fuck it up anymore than it already is

i cant get a long with people my own age, i cant push myself to do my school work, my family hates me, my friends are too obsessed with themselves to care about me anymore, i push away all my boyfriends because i dont like getting close to people, i cant even destroy myself right, AND I JUST WISH I COULD TAKE A NICE FUCKING PICTURE ONCE IN A WHILE.

I CANT EVEN TAKE HALF DECENT FUCKING PICTURE ANYMORE





why cant i just be thin



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

War Against Pizza

Okay so i have a headache that is just AMAZING in how big it is. I'm surprised im even on here right now.

but i cant on here to update.

My weight was 124.4 again today, and ive come up with a plan.

Since i crave food at night, and im never hungry in the morning, ive decided that im going to eat nothing all day and have 1 of whatever i want. [as long as its not over 200 calories]
1 cup of spinach, 1 cube of bouillon, one spoonful of peanut butter, one cracker, etc.

Since i have to wake up early, this only gives me a 2-3 hour window to eat, and thus reducing accidental binges.


Also, i threw out all the food im likely to binge on, and now theres nothing in my house but shitty food i wouldnt eat even if i WAS normal.


the minus though, is that my parents decided to order pizza tonight because we have no food.

so far ive had 0 calories today, and its just starting to get dark now.


so what do i do?

eat the 237 calories and hope to god i dont gain weight from all that horrible food in my stomach, or try my hardest to not eat it?


i think im just going to try as hard as i possibly can to not eat a piece, but dont get your hopes up ladies and gentlemen.



pizza is my fucking weakness.
i think i might be getting sick or something, i feel like shit.

Thermogenesis & Ephedra

Okay so i re-tested the cold water theory and it deff works.

I binged after posting of course, then started fasting monday morning, then broke for a hundred calories of spinach dip [i didn't even bother eating the chips] and then went to go wallow in cold water for 30 minutes before going to sleep.

I went from 128.8 lbs yesterday morning, to 124.4 this morning.

What the fuck?


THANK YOU JESUS, THANK YOU SO MUCH I PROMISE NOT TO EVER EAT SPINACH DIP AGAIN I SWEAR!



Not sure why ana randomly decided to smile on me, and help me out, but now that ive got a couple pounds off, im ready to go at this again full blast.

I was reading up on the whole 'cold water burns calories' thing and i came across this question posted on the internet: "why do some people think showering in cold water and doing house work burns calories? why don't they understand that nothing burns calories except working out?"

I wanted to shove my hand through the screen, and slap the shit out of the person who asked that.

How ridiculously slow do you have to be to honestly think that nothing burns calories except working out?


If that were the case, we would all be fat slobbering animals devoid of any personal relationships or true happiness.

As far as i've reserached, being in the cold has a huge impact on the amount of calories your body burns. luckily, I payed attention in biology [sort of?] and I know that the reason we burn calories is because of a process called thermogenesis.

look it up, I don't feel like explaining.

Thermogenesis can also be caused artificially with ephedra, ginger, bitter orange, capsicum, caffeine, etc.

ephedra isnt sold in diet pill form anymore but you can still buy it in the form of an asthma medication. [cough, bronkaid cough]. If you mix Bronkaid with a 25 mg caffeine tablet and an Asprin, it makes the eca stack that was banned.

PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELVES WITH THIS.

IF you try it, start out by halfing the dosage and dont ever take more than 1 [25 mg] caffeine tablet, 1 tablet of Bronkaid, and 1 Asprin mix a day.


In fact, actually, i don't recommend you listen to me because "im just a person over the internet and should any health risks occur, i will not be liable".



sometimes, I wonder why I know this stuff.

Anyways, what i was getting at, is that did you know sleeping with a blanket for an average of 8 hours will burn 396 calories, but sleeping without a blanket with the temperature turned down 10 degrees lower than normal, will burn 650 calories a night?





















sorry for any reposts




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Sushi

well I WAS fasting, until my mom decided to shove a sushi roll down my throat.

and yes, i literally mean SHOVE.

She stuck it in front of my mouth and held my nose until i ate it.


so, now ive eaten too much.

i feel horrible, and i feel guilty, and im probably not going to have lost a pound tomorrow.

did i mention i binged on cookies last night? yeah. cookies.

this morning my weight was 128.


god.

i cringe at the fucking number.

im going to lose the weight.
i AM losing the weight.

Im just looking for the day that i can hold out and be strong and [deja vu] refuse all the sushi shoved in my face.


I feel disgusting right now.

My stomach is already starting to balloon.




My friends invited me out tonight, but i said no because im too fat.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of sense this makes, or what logic it follows, but i was convinced this morning that none of my clothes would fit me if i tried them on.

so, i gave up.

It was more a 'dont bother dressing up the pig' kinda of deal.

So ive basically been avoiding my friends phone calls all day, and have been hiding in the biggest sweat shirt i own.




sometimes, while hunting for thinspo, ill stumble upon some grotesque picture of a girl 30 lbs under 'healthy' and ill think 'shes so sick..'. not sick in the sense of fucked up, or demented, but sick in the sense of having the flu or a cold.

And ill wonder if shes still alive, or if she got help.

And after thought, ill wish i was her.

Of course ill regret it though, and say 'thats not attractive', but ill always wonder if i could make it that far.

just for the sake of curiosity.





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

100

Why I do believe i may have had too much cereal yesterday.

It measured a cup, which is 100 calories.


But it seemed like too much.


So im counting that as a binge, just because i could have done better.

My weight is at 126, and doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I'm angry at myself because i wanted to fast today, but then i wanted cereal too and idk what was going through my head but i just figured i could just eat the fucking cereal and be done with it but then i ate it and now it feels like too much.


GOD I SHOULDVE JUST FASTED.







I think ive been eating so much lately because im stressed out.
My grades are driving me insane, and although i have A's in all my other classes, in math im failing.

I keep trying to do better, and taking longer to study, but my grades are only getting worse.





I really wish i was just fucking bulimic.



Life seems like it would so much simpler if i had the balls to take out what i put in.

Even though according to national bulimia statistics, 70% of bulimics are above their normal weight range, 20% are at a normal weight range and only 10% are underweight.


fuck statistics.



Im cutting myself off of food today.

Today is going to be 3/4ths of a fasting day.



You know what ive noticed?
My stomach gets ridiculously bloated for like a day after i eat.


And i mean if i eat ANYTHING.

My stomach is more flat when i wake up, but the second anything goes in my mouth, BOOM i look preggers.



okay well maybe not preggers, but it does look awful.


i should probably look into that.

the only problem is i cant exactly tell if its all in my head, or if my stomach really is getting bloated every time i eat.

i may sound like im semi-retarded or something here, but im serious.

maybe im just extremely fat and its all in my stomach.

thats like the only place i gain weight anyways.


eh.


stay strong dears, i have to go deal with school work and stop wasting time blogging about how awful my body is.


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3



p.s. - i plan on testing the cold shower / shivering burns 400 cals theory later this evening so i WILL be back.

Okay, so back on the horse again. [except i feel so demented its more like getting back on the zebra at this point.]

I decided i was fasting today when i looked in the mirror and couldnt stand the sight of my arms.

or my stomach.

or my waist.


you get the idea.



its the strangest thing.

i look in the mirror this morning and panic at how large i am.

what if im the fat girl who is in denial?


whos so past the point of fat that she just looks big. bigger than life. like a misplaced giant.

and who thinks there might still be hope of being thin [but we both know she cant stop eating and shes fucked].




i went back to the mirror a while after that, and said to myself 'its not that bad..'

im not fat to the point of morbid obesity.

ill be alright.

i can lose this quick.






then went to mirror a few seconds ago, and im obese again.




so after binging and drinking last night, i checked my weight before bed.
125.0 lbs.


to be honest, i expected something more like 129.8 lbs.


wonder what ill weigh tomorrow.


I probably wont get on the scale for a few days though, just so i can add a little element of surprised.

Thinspo anyone?











XOXO Sopha Ruins <3

We Made You

lmfao wanna hear something funny?


im failing at destroying myself.

never was there a moment as sad as right after i finished posting.

i was throwing up the food i gave in to, and then i realized it doesnt make a difference anymore...

because big or small, fat or thin, im pretty much failing at detroying myself.

and wasting everybody's time in the process.


i shouldve reached my goal a year ago.




i need a drink.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

December, Air.

okay so i decided not to post last night, because i was being mega super negative about the amount of candy i consumed.

now that im fasting again, im feeling a lot better.


so, after my last post, i was 124.0 lbs and worked out for an hour, then decided to test that whole "you burn up to 400 calories while shivering" theory.

i figured, if i burned 400 calories, then that amount plus the amount that im already burning by doing daily things, plus the amount i burned exercising, plus the fact that i didnt eat that day, i should see a difference in my weight.

now usually, if ive been fasting for a few days, ill lose a lb a day. my body is very predictable.

so anyways, i went to go sit in the shower with the cold turned all the way up, and the hot turned all the way down.

needless to say, it was BRUTAL.

i gave my self intervals of warm water for 5 minutes every 15 minutes so technically, it wasnt freezing water for a solid hour.
but close enough.

anyways, so the next day, my weight went down from 124.0 to 122.0 instead of the expected 123.0.

2 lbs?


definitely worth it.

i plan on using half my shower time [30 minutes] as 'freeze my ass off' time, and the other half can be just regular warm water.


im probably guna test this again to make sure it works.



but yeah, ive decided that since i keep binging on small things [things under 100 calories], im going let myself binge, and just make sure it stays under 100 calories.

look at it this way,

i cant survive on the 45-75 calories i keep binging on every few days, and im tired of re-starting fasts.

so ill still be losing weight, but still be eating enough to feel guilty and do better on SOLID fasting days.

in a way, its another controlled binge plan, except reduced.



November is going to be the month that i succeed.


in fact, im going to give myself a deadline.

because honestly, im sick of this 'lose weight, gain weight' cycle.


how about, if im not significantly thinner by december 2nd, then im going to stop.

completely stop.



[now that im thinking about it, im not sure ill ever be able to stop. its like this monster, this rabid animal, that has been slowly festering inside of me has consumed so much of me i cant let it go. even if i did give it up, im not sure i would be anything more than a shell. a fat, bloated shell with nothing but regret for my lack of drive.]





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3