Sushi

well I WAS fasting, until my mom decided to shove a sushi roll down my throat.

and yes, i literally mean SHOVE.

She stuck it in front of my mouth and held my nose until i ate it.


so, now ive eaten too much.

i feel horrible, and i feel guilty, and im probably not going to have lost a pound tomorrow.

did i mention i binged on cookies last night? yeah. cookies.

this morning my weight was 128.


god.

i cringe at the fucking number.

im going to lose the weight.
i AM losing the weight.

Im just looking for the day that i can hold out and be strong and [deja vu] refuse all the sushi shoved in my face.


I feel disgusting right now.

My stomach is already starting to balloon.




My friends invited me out tonight, but i said no because im too fat.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of sense this makes, or what logic it follows, but i was convinced this morning that none of my clothes would fit me if i tried them on.

so, i gave up.

It was more a 'dont bother dressing up the pig' kinda of deal.

So ive basically been avoiding my friends phone calls all day, and have been hiding in the biggest sweat shirt i own.




sometimes, while hunting for thinspo, ill stumble upon some grotesque picture of a girl 30 lbs under 'healthy' and ill think 'shes so sick..'. not sick in the sense of fucked up, or demented, but sick in the sense of having the flu or a cold.

And ill wonder if shes still alive, or if she got help.

And after thought, ill wish i was her.

Of course ill regret it though, and say 'thats not attractive', but ill always wonder if i could make it that far.

just for the sake of curiosity.





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3