okay so i was doing wonderfully last night until i made the [horrible] decision of getting drunk with my friends.
by the time i came home, my mom had just gotten back from being with her friends and ive noticed that when were drunk is the only time were really nice to each other.
so we hung out for a while and talked and laughed and danced all night, until she got hungry.
then she made a fantastic looking sandwich, and made me one too.
i told her i didnt want one, so she just stuck it in the fridge.
it was at this point i went to go spy on the sandwich, sitting there on its white plate pretending to be innocent.
long story short, i scarfed the fucking thing down like i was dying and followed it with chips and salsa.
then i went in the bathroom and threw up about 70% of it, checked my weight, and was ecstatic when i found out it hadnt changed at all.
i did some celebratory dancing and jumping jacks, then went to bed.
all night last night i had nightmares of my mother calling me a fat slut and telling me that she couldnt afford to keep feeding my fat ass.
i woke up crying two or three times, and finally gave up trying to sleep around 6 a.m. ish.
i got dressed, took a shower, and left to run errands all day.
met up with my mom later, refused lunch, then broke for a sushi dinner.
ate probably 12 rolls, felt like i was going to fucking kill myself, purged about 10% when i got home, almost cryed because i couldnt get anything else out, contemplated drinking hydrogen peroxide to make myself sick, decided it was a horrible idea, then took a cold shower.
and here i am.
right this very second my weight is 126 lbs.
i want to cry, i want to scream, i want to get wasted so i can blast depressing music and fall asleep, i want to work out, i want to throw up, i want to redeem myself, and i want to be thin, but im never going to get there.
i dont know what to do anymore.
i measured my stomach, and surprise surprise im three inches bigger than i was yesterday.
THREE FUCKING INCHES.
THREE FUCKING POUNDS.
on the bright side, at least it isnt all in my head.
on the other hand, im a fatass.
but we already knew that.
i wish i could purge.
im probably going to go find something to get me drunk so i dont have to deal with my issues.
what a fun world i live in =']
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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sorry to hear you are having a hard time of it right now. try not to stay down too long. things will get better :)
ReplyDeletestay strong and believe in yourself :)
well you definatley did better than me. I've started over today and so far am doing okay. Yesterday was a bit rough and now i've got to deal with all these assholes being anonymous on my blog.
ReplyDeleteyo did reeeealllly good though, and i bet if you just have a good workout, the sushi wont even matter. But, if you're feeling sad, i wouldnt turn to getting drunk because alcohol has a lot of calories
good job <3
elle
don't worry, things will look up for all of us.
ReplyDeleteif you're interested in fasting with anyone, just let me know! i'd definitely be down for some support.
oh dont worry, some of it is probably bloat from the purging, and water weight. give yourself a little break. you have been doing great and one slip up isnt the end, i know youll bounce back from this stronger than ever. plus i mean really, who can resist a delicious sammich... i know i cant.lol
ReplyDeletestay strong
meg
Forget the fuckup, wipe the slate clean. Blast loud angry music and jump around like a headbanger on a pogo stick.
ReplyDeleteI went to the pub after work had full sugar coke, tons of homemade bikkies, pub fries and chocolate.
God I wish it had been sushi instead!!
Slap me, please?
I want to kick your mum's ass for giving you fodder for nightmares like that. How many calories does ass-kicking burn? o.O
Purging failed me too. I can't seem to lose weight.
ReplyDeleteFuck.
FAST FAST FAST
that's what we need.
Fasting.
I did the sushi thing yesterday too with my family. I'm bloated as all hell, up 4 lbs, but after running I am down 2 lbs! Think of all the salt you would have consumed! Dont worry about being up 3 inches either. I know it's hard, but it's just BLOAT! I dont purge, but I do know that you can puff out from it since your body is going to hold on to everything it can! I've been a nurse for 15 yrs and I've seen it a million times.
ReplyDeleteTry not to beat yourself up