Voracious

food never fixes anything.
i know this fact well.
its written, deeply etched into my skull but time and time again i chose to ignore it just so i can experience a moment of indulgence.

im not going to sit here today, and complain about how shitty my life is, or how frustrated i am with my weight.

im always going to be frustrated with my weight, no matter how much i weigh.
my life will always have shitty aspects, just like every other human being.

but i will say im not sure what im doing wrong.

i know i binge a lot.
but none of my binges ever really go over 1000 calories except one of my most recent ones.

technically, i should be losing weight anyways, binge or not because its biologically impossible to maintain my current weight with under 1000 calories.

i just want an asnwer as to why my body is so against me.

im starting the ABC diet again tomorrow because even though i lost basically no weight on it, it was still easy to stick to.


today i ate normally.
today normally consisted of two pillsbury biscuits, a sandwich with 1 slice of cheese, mustard, and 1 piece of lettuce, and half a cup of chili.

i feel guilty for every single piece of food that goes past my lips.


i just wish god knew how bad i want this.

i wish ANYONE knew how bad i want this.

i want it more than anything ive ever wanted before.


my desire to be thin overpowers any middle school crush, any christmas-time object that i just 'had to have', and any want ive ever felt.

this need to be small, small, small, makes all other feelings weak in comparison.


i crave this. i covet this.
i have a voracious appetite for hunger,
one that will never be satisfied.
and my absolute need for thin is consuming me.






XOXO Sophia Ruins <3