My father died six years ago today.
A seven word sentence that I have yet to mutter aloud.
My father died.
Did he really? Huh. Look at that.
Six years ago.
Six years. Is that a long time? Is there any specific time that this problem is going to take to go away?
Today.
Fuck off.
I feel... what do I feel again? Isn't that how this is supposed to go? I find someone and talk to them endlessly about my problems and my issues and cry to them about how close I was to my dad and how "lost" I am now. That is, if thats what you can call it.
Lost. Thats exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to be, isn't it? I've been given my allowance time to grieve, to get over it, and I didn't. I'm supposed to be found. The blame falls on me for shutting away every memory, every shred of emotion towards the subject, and every opinion about him dying. I should've dealt with it, but I didn't and now six years have gone by and I still don't know what to do.
It's been six years. I no longer have the right to be upset. My right has been revoked and here I am sitting here feeling something.
Something...
I don't know what it is, nor can I correctly describe it with my limited vocabulary. Of course I can always try:
Hm.
I feel...
Angry. I want to scream. I want to break things, and hit someone, and scream until my voice gives out. I feel like throwing myself on the ground like a child and throwing a tantrum because theres this feeling inside me that keeps building. A feeling of frustration and helplessness and anger. Pure anger.
I feel...
Upset. I want to cry. I want tears to stream down my face and my eyes to swell up. I want to taste the salty drops run over my lips and chap them. I want to cry so fucking bad but I can't. I want to but it wont come. I feel it there, tightening my throat and choking the very life out of me. But there it stays. Stuck like hardened stone, coating the inside of my eyes.
I feel like a soda bottle all shaken up with the cap screwed on too tight and my contents uncomfortably warm. Is this even about my dad anymore? No. Its about my selfishness. I am selfish. I am fat. He is dead and does not care.
He is dead, and does not care.
I am alive.
I am selfish.
I am selfish because I am feeling over someone who no longer feels.
I am selfish because I eat to cover a lost dream. I bury it deep down with all the memories and the past and everything thats ever happened. I've given up on the only thing that could ever be perfect: my weight.
I dug a grave for it in my stomach and filled the hole with bread and pasta and candy.
Would he care?
If I starved myself dead, would he be there playing the part of the Angel of Death? My knight in shining bones?
The only man who ever loved me, my best friend, my favorite person in the world, copped out on me.
He is dead, and so is my chance of ever being thin.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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oh sophia. you know your dad would love you like you were princess of the galaxy. but it wouldn't matter if you were or not because you'd be perfect.
ReplyDeleteyou can have anything you want. the world is in your debt, it seems.
There is no time limit on grief. Ever. You don't have to ever stop being angry or upset.
ReplyDeleteSophia, you always, always, ALWAYS have the right to be upset. That right never goes away - you lost your dad for heaven's sake. Time may pass but it doesn't always make the pain less so.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you acknowledge your pain. don't ever ignore it. Once you acknowledge it, feel in there inside you, it will, over time, become easier to live with. Your pain is a part of you, don't ignore it.
Hope you feel better, you can do anything you want if you work for it!
X
There is no time period for grieving, it's a continuous process. I LOVE the soda example, i've felt like that Many times. Stay strong xx
ReplyDeleteOmg sophia you can always grieve. Losing a parent who loves you is such a traumatic experience. My dad goes through the same thing, he lost his mom the year before I was born.
ReplyDeleteI see why you're upset. You have a right to be. Your dad sounds like he was awesome and your mom and titties are obviously not. Your dad does still care sophia, he's not just a body in the ground. He lives on in those memories you squish down, he's the warm feeling that washes over you occasionally when you feel sad, he's in your heart. I know it may sound weird but please don't smash down your feelings. Get them in the open. Feel them. It's uncomfortable, but until you face them, you're never going to be quite right.
I hope everything works out today *hugs*
XOXO,
Scarlet<3
hugs x
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. Gosh I know how I feel with my dad dying when I was a baby; let alone trying to imagine what it's like for you, having memories and feelings of him.
ReplyDeleteI hate how death doesn't just change one person. I hate the ripple effect.
I'm 23 and still cry over my Grandad who dies when I was 4.
ReplyDeleteIt is NEVER selfish to mourn. Don't EVER think that!
you have every right to be so upset. your not selfish at all.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can be whateverr you want to be. We're all losing ourselves a little more each day- spiraling out of control.
I'm sorry your situation sucks. Hang in there and just know that I'm following you. I'm here :)
xoxo
Vanilla Finnegan
You DO have the right to be upset, darling. You have the right to feel anything. I do hope you feel better, but you do have the right to feel however you feel. You deserve your anger.
ReplyDeleteThis post was so touching. Thanks so much for sharing, girl!
ReplyDeleteThere is no timeline on grief. No "you-must-be-over-it-after-5-months". Take your time.
xoxoxo
sophia, my heart goes out to you. losing someone is so difficult. :(
ReplyDeletetruth is, the way i see it grief lasts a lifetime. who ever looks as if they're over it is a good actor/actress. you never get over someone dieing, you only learn to live with it. and try to cope as best as you can.
I bet your dad would be proud of you
ReplyDelete