If there was a word I could use to accurately describe my life right now, it would be dramatic. My mother, the food, my life; everything is just too much right now.
I apologize for not writing. I haven't forgotten about any of you and I will never stop posting. Don't ever doubt that. However, there are times when the words seem to be stuck to my finger tips like gum and I can't quite word things right. I start thinking about how I'm supposed to explain everything thats going on and I cant figure out how to say it without making things seem so shitty.
My mother and I are officially no longer friends. T and I are closer than ever and have formed an alliance against my parents. G thinks I'm moving out of the state, and rent is due. Today, I ate a cup of Ramen, a pancake, and two scrambled eggs.
Everything is such a fucked up mess right now I don't even know where to begin. My mother started screaming at me a few days ago after I had accidentally sat in someones chair then things escalated to the point where I was crying and trying to pin down her arms while she beat the living shit out of me. I woke up the next morning with cuts in my mouth and a shiny black eye.
T got into an argument with her and told her flat out that shes a shitty parent. She blamed everything he said on the fact that hes "just sticking up for me".
T kissed me, hugged me, and told me everything would be okay.
My mother followed me through the house the next morning screaming at me while I said nothing. T came home from work to find me bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor with bruises already forming on my shoulders.
He kissed me, hugged me, and told me everything would be okay.
My mother has spent every waking moment telling me how much of a piece of shit I am and that I am lazy and worthless. She has made sure that every free second she has is occupied by letting me know how much she regrets me.
I have argued with her, I have screamed until my face turned red, and I have cried in frustration. I no longer have anything left to say. I feel I have been finally beaten down; the fire inside me doused with every one of her insults.
I don't bother sticking up for myself anymore. Maybe shes right about me. Shes told me that shes leaving the house to T and I for the summer while she and my stepfather leave for business.
She leaves Wednesday. I have never held my breath as much as now, and I can only hope that they go through with their plans. For the sake of my sanity, I hope she leaves. I honestly feel like I can't handle this anymore. Everyday I eat until I feel like my stomach is going to burst, then weigh myself right after for the added torment. I spend hours staring at myself in the mirror, making myself face what I've done. The body I have created. I see pictures of my friends at the beach and lake, and turn down any offers to join them.
What have I done?
I feel more alone than anything right now. T doesn't want to hear about what my mother says to me anymore. He doesn't want to see the bruises, or pull her off me. My stepfather wont shut the fuck up either and I dont have the fight in me to say anything to him anymore. My best friend doesn't want to deal with me. My friends don't care. I have no family.
No one wants to hear the sob story that never ends.
I am alone.
I continually look for the reason why my mother hates me so much, and so far I have nothing. I have never encountered someone who has cut me deeper than her. She knows it, and she loves it.
I want to stop eating again. I want to go back to when everything was okay, and the only problems I had were with the scales.
But I can't. I don't know how. I want to learn how to starve myself again. I want to feel me killing myself and know that at least I'm succeeding in SOME form of self destruction. I want to be there, close to it, breathing in the scent of it. I want to FEEL the hard pangs of hunger. I don't want the romanticized version. I want the cold dirty feel of anorexia.
Give me my scales, and calorie counters back. Give me my personal hell and anguish back. Give me something to grasp besides my mothers mind fucking.
Give it back to me so that I can never let it go and maybe just once I can have my moment of glory.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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I know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with my mother is the same.
She never misses an occasion to remind me how worthless and stupid I am. And how she wishes she had broken her legs, instead of giving birth to me.
And to make matters worse she never stops saying that I eat too much and I shouldn't stuff my face like that.
I can't offer much support, but if you need someone to listen to you I'm here.
fuckkkk move out.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me appreciate my life, thank you. And move out. It's the best thing that's happened to me.
ReplyDeleteI´m sorry that you have it so bad at home, it really not good for you. And maybe the people in you life who are physically there arnt there for you, but we are. We care about you^^
ReplyDeleteYou need to get the hell out of there NOW. Geeze, Sophia, you could have her up for abuse of a minor or assault at the very least!!
ReplyDeleteGod I hope they piss off on 'business' for a good long time. You need some time to recover your fire. T and your 'friends' need to get their shit sorted. This is some serious HELL you're living in.
If I could fly/sail/swim over there and rescue you I would. I'd slap your mother and throw the stepfag through a window. (My best throw is ippon-seoi-nage. Google it and snigger. I'm also really good at Hadaka-jime. Bony wrists and all that rot)
Plan for the day you can get out of there. Bank the fires, don't let those assholes extinguish them. They are WRONG, dead WRONG in everything they say about you. Parents know exactly which strings to pull to piss you off, because they were the ones who tied those strings in the first place.
Hang in there darling. You CAN. I know it.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoo!
Oh, Sophia, my heart is breaking for you. As a mom, i can't imagine treating my son that way, no matter the situation and you have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Please get help for youself now and try to find a place away from HER!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSophia :(
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to see (figuratively) you in such pain. For what it's worth, take it from someone who also has a mind-fucking mother: it's all bullshit. I know it's hard to hang onto that knowledge in the thick of it, but please try to remember that. There is no truth in what she says. You are worth so much to so many people. She's just too blind to see how wonderful you are. But all of us have 20/20 vision and are here to behold you for the goddess that you are. Never let her make you feel less than that. Hang in there. Get some help for yourself or at LEAST get out for a while. My e-mail is in my profile if you need a friend.
<3
aw deary.
ReplyDeletejust channel all of your hate for your family into it, and you can do it.
maybe when your mom and stepfag (you basically created a term that has sucessfully caught on) leave then you will be able to get back to your comfort zone.
Oh, dear. If only we could still believe that being pretty is enough.
ReplyDeletesophia, i feel for you. honestly i do. i thought my relationship with my mother was bad. but it's no where near as bad as yours.
ReplyDeletei srsly hope things get better for you soon.
keep strong.
♥