I'm running through the yard, the green tall grass brushing past my calves. Fireflies are everywhere, decorating the yard with tiny flashes of light. It smells like rain. I'm missing my shoes.
The sun is setting, painting the sky shades of orange and pink and I feel the hard spray of the water hose hit my back. I shriek with laughter. I pick up a white plastic bowl and hurry to find water to fill it with. All of my friends are armed with bowls and cups of water. I turn to look at A. His blue eyes sparkle bright in the setting sun, and he scoops me up, carrying me high into his arms. At 6'5, it's no surprise that I feel like I'm flying when he picks me up. I dump the bowl of water I have over his head. A dark thought lurks, whispering 'too heavy' and I push it aside hurriedly. Nothing can ruin me today.
Out of breath, I sit on the ground and flop myself backwards to stare at the sky. Soon enough, I'm joined by E. Her boyfriend tosses me a cold beer and A comes to sit next to me.
"What do you see?" A says, looking up.
"I see a blonde man looking back at me." I say jokingly, staring at him.
"Where's T?" Mark asks.
"Inside asleep." I say. Mark and E are my two roommates that I've been friends with for a little over a month. With E [and T] constantly pushing food my way, it's no surprise I eat the way I do. I wring out my grey tank top, watching the clear water droplets land on the green grass beneath me. Theres a bubbling, nostalgic mood making me feel dreamy, and causing my head to swim. I feel like this is one of those moments I just might remember forever.
Later that night, after the sun had set and the air had turned hot and sticky, I begin to think: wouldn't being thin be the cherry on top of this kind of summer? To be able to wear a bikini and shorts to the lake, and not worry about where my recent weight gain is hiding? I don't know how to begin. Or rather, I don't know how to go back. All I know is that I still feel like a slave to the food I eat, even though I've been pretending to "recover". I used to firmly believe that if I could eat, all of my problems would be solved.
Now it seems that my problems have only just begun.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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I know how you feel about the pretending to recover. It absolutely sucks. But I am trying to get back to the old me. Both of us can! I am with ya, 100%! :) Take a look at my blog too, I would love to have you follow it! :)
ReplyDelete~Elora
You're beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAnd you'll get there.
Don't stop what you're doing, you're on the right track.
you'll get there one day
x
ive been eating since like febuary lost it last week back to old habits but in all those months i didnt feel any better i pretened but i still also felt like slave to food
ReplyDeletei hope it stops for you hun xx
I'm sorry you've been so full of ups and downs. Sounds like a crappy summer so far. You know what they say, though: fake it till you make it!
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are. Even if you start to recover physically the devastating mental effects of an ED linger on for what seems like forever. It's hard. But you're a beautiful girl, and smart too. Someday any efforts you put into getting better will be worth it, I'm sure. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete