Explain Yourself, Child.

Alright, so I've been getting a lot of questions lately regarding T. More or less just stuff on the lines of why I'm with him, when I've got such an extraordinary thing with G. The thing is, there really is no simple explanation.
I didn't start getting serious with G until long after T and I were talking. It's just something about the way T laughs at my stupid jokes, the way he can be so laid back about the most serious things, and the way he understands my issues but never judges me. With G, it's so much more different. Honestly, when G isn't around, I don't think about him as often, when he kisses me I don't feel a spark, and I don't want to take the effort to deal with his promiscuous past.

I don't compare them, and up until this point I've never sat down and pitted them against each other. I've just accepted the fact that I care about them both in different ways. Honestly, they're both utterly amazing in completely different ways.


When I'm with T, I know he cares about me in the way that he looks at me and the way he talks about me to all of his friends. I know it when he calls me at the grocery store to ask me whether he should buy strawberry poptarts or blueberry, and which one I like better. There truly isn't anything about T that I don't like. I've found that I even love his moods that would be intolerable if coming from someone else.

I know that G cares about me, and I know that G will always be there. The only problem is that I can't give him what he gives me. I don't remember his favorite color or his favorite band like T's and I don't wonder what G is doing at any given moment the way I constantly do T.

There's something in the spark that T gets in his eyes when he listens to a new song he likes for the first time. I know that innocence is a part of his personality, and he is the only man I've met with such a child-like nature. The smallest things bring him joy and every new theory or changed opinion of mine I present to him actually interests him. He is not stupid, and he is more than willing to get into a fight with someone if they push him. People think that because he's respectful of other's opinions, and because he's so sweet that it's easy to use him. Then when he fucks them over the way they did to him, they say that he's a bad person. They completely underestimate him, and I hate it.


When I try to tell G something on a deeply cerebral level, he shrugs it off and says to stop thinking so much. T questions it, turns it over, looks at it, goes into it deeper with me. T listens to me talk about my stupid friends, or my dog, or why my favorite color is blue and what specific shade it is. T let's me talk until all hours of the night and no matter what time in the morning he has to get up, he never cuts me off or wants me to stop.

He calls me at random points in the day to tell me about the strangest thing that reminded him of me and how much he misses me. We can talk for hours and hours about nothing in particular and at the end of it, I still want more of him. I feel a sort of hunger when I think about T. I want to know every detail, every flaw, every secret about him. I don't know exactly what's going through his head, but a deeper part of myself knows he cares about me as much as I do him. It's in the way that he treats me, the way he acts like I'm delicate and fragile, like every day with me could be the last.

He often tells me he could never imagine caring about anyone else as much as me and that if he could convince me to spend my life with him he would be the happiest man on earth. Even though we just started "going out", we've carried on a strange relationship between each other for a long time, and I have never thought for a minute that he was just saying all of this without being honest.

I think that I trust his motives more than any of my other boyfriends because when we first started getting serious, he gave me the speech I am familiar with giving myself. He told me that if what I wanted in a relationship was sex then he wasn't my guy because he strongly believes in waiting until marriage. Then he went off on a tangent, telling me that he understands if thats the kind of person I am, and if I have a problem with no sex, he'd still think I'm great but he would just rather not get into a relationship with me.
This was all before I told him I'm a virgin and have miles long reasons for waiting until I'm older.




The truth is, even though I care about G, I am completely smitten with T. I don't know if I could ever care about anyone the way I do T, and it's strange because I usually don't care about anyone I'm involved with. It's usually just a superficial relationship. Once it gets too serious, I move on.


Thats not all there is to the relationship between me and T but I feel like I've thoroughly explained a small part of it. [I've been wanting to fully explain everything thats going on with me and T for a while, to give you guys a better perspective on whats going on in my life but I just don't have the right words.]






This morning I woke up to my usual set of 'I love you, wake your ass up, I miss you' text messages from T. [Yes, we say I love you. Don't even get me started on how much we both hate people that say I love you for no reason. There is a reason, but it'll take a good five paragraphs to explain it.] My mom was yelling in the kitchen at my stepdad, and I realized that maybe my random anxiety stems from waking up in such a hostile environment everyday. I wondered if everyone else has to deal with stuff like this and if it's normal.

Let me take a random break here to say that I've noticed lately that there is a specific outline of what I hate about myself. I don't necessarily hate ME. I just hate my body, my family, my shitty choice in friends, my situation, and the way I am sometimes. I don't particularly like myself, but I certainly don't think I deserve to be stuck around crazy people all the time. I'm just uncertain as to whether I'm making a big deal out of nothing when it comes to my family. Like maybe it's not all that bad, and I'm just dramatic like my mother tells me.


I walked out into the kitchen to peer into my fridge, ignoring my mother and stepdad. I give the food the dirtiest look I can muster up, even though I know that it's going to remain in my fridge no matter how much I try to will it away. I decide that if I eat before 1 P.M. I will gain ten lbs, and that I am allowed two half sized meals today. I have to get back to business eventually, and today is finally the day. Walking from the kitchen to the bathroom, I become filled with dread when I remember that I haven't weighed myself in ages. I tell myself I have to do it, and I can't keep avoiding it.




I get into my room, flip on the lights, and take a deep breath. I peer down at the square white scale that looks so out of place in my filthy room. I get on, and stare straight up at the ceiling. '130 if I'm lucky.' I say to myself. I look down at the scale, my heart pounding.

'125.0' It blinks. 'It has to be wrong.' I get off, wait for it to clear, and get back on. '125.0' it blinks again.

A smile five miles wide is cemented to my face.
'I just might fast today instead.'

T calls me, driving home from class and asks me why I sound so happy. I giggle and say "no reason".




Ana is back, and I like the way she thinks.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3