"She used to say only unfulfilled love can be romantic"

Shit has happened since I last posted.

I'll start from the beginning.

I couldn't sleep last thursday night. I gave up when the early morning light started spreading itself across the wet grass in my back yard, turning the pale February grass a shade of yellow-green. I left G a text asking him if he wanted to come over and hang out. He lives a few hours away, so I didn't expect him to come. I poked and prodded at my fat, looking at my the way it collects: in pools on my hips, in long sheets across my stomach, in sacks under my arms. I got into the hot shower, the water tinted yellow from the sunlight. The steam rose, and made everything smell like Irish Spring. My hands never seem to stay in one place. They roamed along my stomach and my ass, feeling for more fat in case I had missed some.

When I got out of the shower, I twirled my hair up in pins and put on my kohl eyeliner. I slipped on a white dress, too thin for the temperature and wondered what I would look like if I were mocha-skinned rather than as pale as I am. Would I look like my mother? She's a beautiful woman with dark wild hair and large almond eyes. I decided I would love to look like my mother.

My phone went off and it was a text message from G: 'id love 2. what time n where do u wnna go?'. I told him we could just hang out at my house and invite a few people over, probably pick up some alcohol and just hang out. He liked the idea and asked if he could stay the night since he lives so far. My parents were friends with him before I was and jumped at the idea to bring over the prodigy. He's a musician, with fingers like lightning and eyes as bright as the summer sky. He's interesting, but private.

I was nervous all day, looking for ways to hide my fat and make myself look more like my mom. I gave up when I decided that at least I was blessed to have her hair and might as well celebrate my constantly pale-pink cheeks. The day passed too quickly, and I was too busy cleaning to eat. When he pulled up in the driveway, I hurried to spray myself with Chanel to try and mask the smell of Windex.

Skip ahead five hours later. Its 3 in the morning, and we're sitting in my smokey living room with friends laughing loudly and getting blasted. I walked into the kitchen and, being too drunk, fell into a giddy heap on the floor. G picked me up, and laughing asked me if I was too drunk. His breath smelled sweetly of rum. I said maybe and smiled at him. He smiled back, and lit up a cigarette. "So hows your boyfriend?" he said pouring me a glass of water.
"Lovely, thanks. Hows your love interest doing?" I slurred. I took the cold glass from him, took a sip, and dropped it on the floor by accident.
"Shes great, but she has a boyfriend and can't stop spilling water everywhere." He said laughing and grabbing the paper towels.


The conversation died down after that, and when my parents came home from the bar fighting, we decided it was time for everyone to leave. They left, and my parents locked themselves in their room to scream at each other and break things. G and I crawled into bed, both too wasted for conversation and turned the TV on. The space between us got smaller until we were wrapped up together, cuddling like drunken jackasses.
I fell asleep with old rock blasting from the TV and his breath in my ear.

I woke up the next day at the same time as him, so hungover I could feel my heartbeat pounding throughout my body. We watched movies, blocked out my windows with sheets, and slept all day. He left momentarily to run out to eat, and I ran to the mirror to frantically make myself look at least a little more attractive. He got back, and played me songs on the guitar. Eventually he kissed me, and I kissed back without a second thought. One kiss turned into two, and two turned into more.

Fast forward again to late Saturday night. My lips are raw, my hair is fucked up, and I smell like him. I jump in the shower while he sleeps, and realize I still haven't eaten. My mom comes in the bathroom, and whispers my name. I peek out of the white shower curtain to look at her. She points at my room and mouths 'still here?' I nod and she gives me a silent high five. She then gets a stern look on her face and mouths 'sex?' I whisper 'of course not, you whore'. She then gives me a thumbs up and says good job, fairly loud. She giggles and leaves.

We slept the rest of Saturday night away and he woke me up early Sunday morning, telling me he had to leave to go run errands near his house. He told me I looked beautiful, and told me he had never randomly made out with anyone else and this meant something to him so he didn't want me to tell him it was nothing. I told him he could think whatever he wants. I said I like him, but I have a boyfriend which is the truth.

We've talked a bit this week, but nothing too serious. He calls a lot, but I don't answer too often. I'm still with T. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like T is being a whole lot more considerate and sweet nowadays. I don't feel guilty whatsoever, and I still don't care if he finds out. I just hope shit between me and him gets better. I miss the way we used to talk, although it's gotten a lot better. We're almost back to normal with each other.


I'm reading skinny, and not counting calories. I eat, but I don't binge, and don't get full. I don't think I've gotten fatter, but I certainly haven't gotten skinnier.
I can't wait for everything to stop being so crazy so I can focus on not eating again.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3