Treading Air

Last night was a bad night.


Sitting in my room, listening to my parents fight, my phone starts ringing. I look down at the small screen to see G's name displayed across it. Relieved, I answer it. I had spent all day fighting with T and getting pissed off at my best friend. A talk with G seemed like the perfect thing to clear my head.

"Hello?" I say, flopping down on my bed.
"Hey" G answers. Something suddenly feels different. Like the air does right before a thunderstorm.
"Hey, what's up?" I say, testing the waters.
"Nothing I guess. Why didn't you answer earlier" He says it as a statement, rather than a question.
"Ohhh man. Haha funny story about that. You would NOT believe what me and T just fought about. It's so ridiculous" I say, attempting to lighten the mood.
"Do you two have a serious relationship?" He says completely ignoring what I said.
"I don't know. It's not incredibly serious, but there's definitely some emotions involved. Why?" I say, aggravated at the fact that he cut me off.
"We're never going to be together are we" He says as another statement.
"Why do you have to bring this up right now? Look I had a shitty day and I would rather just talk about something else, ok?" How did I know my day would get worse? I pick up a sheet of paper and start ripping it up into small pieces. A nervous habit I've had since childhood.
"YOU can talk about it later, but I'M going to talk about it now. You know I'm wasting my time with you. You're just fucking with my head while you get to have some wonderful relationship. You don't even care about me" He says. Each word is laced with anger towards me.
"G, you know I care about you. I told you up front everything that's been going on. You knew about T from the beginning. I honestly like you, and thats why I hang out with you. I'm not fucking using you" I say, unsure as to how to defend myself.
"I'm joining the army" He says, his voice monotone and cold.
"What?" I whisper, hoping to God I heard wrong.
"You heard me" He says.
"No.. what? G, you can't. You know I need you here." I say. My stomach is twisting.
"You don't need me. You have a boyfriend." He says, still uncaring.
"SO FUCKING WHAT?" I yell, my patience running out. "You know that it's not the same. Me and you are different than T and I. What the fuck do you want me to do?" I say.
"Don't do anything. I'm just telling you that I'm leaving since it's pointless for me to stay anymore. Sorry to fuck up your perfect world" He says, raising his voice. He's almost yelling, but not quite.
"G YOU CAN'T FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A REASON FOR GOING. PLEASE JUST FUCKING STAY" I say yelling again.
"I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING REASON TO STAY. I'M NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND AND LOVE SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER LOVE ME BACK, OKAY? THATS WHY I'M FUCKING LEAVING. YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME AND I'M SITTING HERE LIKE A DUMBASS LOVING YOU" His voice breaks. My face is burning red.
I take a deep breath before continuing. "Please stop. We can figure this out. You can't just make a decision like this over one person. This is stupid" I feel like I'm negotiating with a suicidal child. I feel like I just drank a cup of boiling water right after drinking a cup of ice. I feel sick.

"FUCK YOU. THERE IS NO FIXING THIS. I'M SEEING THE RECRUITMENT OFFICER TOMORROW." He screams. I've never heard him sound so angry with me. I finally lose all patience.

"FINE. I'M DONE BEGGING YOU. GO. BUT DON'T COME CRAWLING BACK TO ME WHEN YOUR STUPID ASS GETS BLOWN UP. ENJOY THE FUCKING SAND FOR ME, DARLIN."

"HOW WOULD I COME CRAWLING BACK IF I'M BLOWN UP?!" He screams again.
Angry beyond belief, I hang up on him and turn my phone off. I roll over and scream into my pillow, thankful that my parents can't hear me over their shouting.

I think about what could have set him over the edge like that. Maybe he had a bad day like I did. Maybe he's tired of me. Maybe rather than caring too much like he says he doesn't care about me at all. I wonder if what he said was true. That he does love me. Maybe I'm just too much of a dumbass to see it. I don't know.

All I know is that as of right now, everything feels pretty fucked up and I have no idea what to do. I'm angry at him, but I miss him. I tell myself I don't need anyone, but I don't know what I would do if he left. If he stays, there probably won't be anything between us anymore. I don't know how to say any of this to him, but I know that if I don't I won't be able to live with myself.




When I got on the scale this morning, it said 124.0.
I definitely don't feel 124 lbs.
I feel like I weigh 224.
I spent a good 3 hours of my morning debating on whether of not I'm going to eat today, and whether or not I'm going to attempt to fix things with G.
I settled on fasting and talking to G.
I sat down at my kitchen table for a good chunk of time, trying to get the courage to call him.
I held my breath and when I heard the automatic message "This caller is no longer in service" I swear I could hear the fridge whisper my name.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3