Are You Regretting It Yet?

My Phone was ringing loudly. It was an unknown number.
"Hello?" I answer on the third ring.
"Hey! It's me, Mark." Holy. Fucking. Shit. Act normal.
"Oh, hey Mark. How've you been?" My heart was almost pounding out of my chest.
"I've been alright. I just wanted to give you a call and let you know I'm gunna be moving back in town in about a week. We should catch up." He says genuinely. Mark is my ex. Mark is the boy I was with who I had a giant crush on, and then he decided to move away. Mark, is unreachable. Unfortunately, as much as I hate him it's impossible not to love him. It was raining outside and I could hear the thunder.
"Wow, thats great!" I say, faking enthusiasm. My stomach had dropped into my feet. "Yeah we definitely should hang out sometime, where are you going to be staying?"
"Right down the road from you, at that old hotel. My flights getting in Saturday after next. Weekend of the 19th." He sounded happy. I liked him for a while I guess, but when he left I didn't really care too much. If he didn't want to be around, then fine. He was easily replaceable.
"Oh wow, that's pretty close. When do you want to hang out?" I asked, trying to sound happy but instead sounding fake.
"I was actually wondering if you wanted to come see me the day I get here. When my flight gets in to be specific. I could use a familiar face to come back to." He said. He still sounded cheery. Damn him and his solid optimism. Could I get away with saying no? Shit. Suddenly, I WANTED to see him.
"I'd love to!" I hear myself say, sounding sincere. The second the words leave my lips I regret them.
"Great! We'll I'd better run, but I'll give you a call back in a few days. My cell phone isn't exactly working at the moment."
"Alright, we'll it was good talking to you. Bye." I hang up before he can say anymore.

What have I done? The nature of our past relationship was a very competitive one. Both of us were artists, and we used to spend hours in his basement painting projects. Him being a good two years older than me, went on to do bigger better things with his artwork. I, on the other hand, stayed behind to develop an eating disorder. We broke it off, but continued talking after that. Most of our conversations ended from him rubbing in another one of his achievements, or me being in another one of my unexplainable bad moods. Eventually I stopped answering and he stopped calling.

Fast forward and there I was, sitting in the kitchen, feeling like a complete jackass. I haven't seen this guy in years and now I'm completely afraid. Of course it's just the usual self esteem bullshit. What if I'm not as pretty as he remembered me? What if he sees all the fat bunched around me like dirt clods stuck to a log, and runs screaming in horror? Even though I don't care about him at all anymore, I still feel the need for his approval. I want his approval so that I can turn around and not give him mine. To have something on him, just once.

This coupled with the fact that T is moving in the same week and I haven't been fasting scares the living shit out of me. Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror, count my flaws, swear I won't eat and then I go until 7 or 8 at night until I finally break and have around 400-600 calories. I haven't weighed myself because I know I'm at the same weight. Probably the high 120's. 5' 7 and in the high 120's? I don't fucking think so.

At first I was equal parts horrified and utterly joyous at the thought of T moving in. Now I'm just afraid. I still have moments of crippling shyness around him [and G] where I can't even look him in the eyes. Now I'm going to face him when my hair is fucked up, my make up is running, and have morning breath. It may not seem like a very big deal, but I am terrified. Everyday it feels more and more real and everyday I become less excited, and more nervous.

Also, I've noticed a severe drop in my self esteem lately. I used to be okay with my looks and not worry about them too much. Now I obsessed over everything. Freckle there, don't like the curve of my jaw, is that a double chin? It looks like a double chin.

I just feel so trapped. Trapped within myself and trapped by the people around me. I feel like everyone thinks that I'm prettier than I actually am. Like their memories are skewed and each time they see me, they're disappointed that it's just me standing in front of them.

I've never really been afraid of rejection before, but now I am. Marks rejection, T's rejection, G's rejection. All I wanted was the be thin and pretty. Isn't that all anyone wants? And I feel like such a fucking charity case too. I can't talk to any of my friends about it because I don't trust them. I want them to keep thinking I'm some mega-confident social animal when I'm not. I can't tell my family because... well because they hate me. [We already knew that though, so it's not that big of a deal.]


I'm afraid of seeing Mark.
I'm afraid of moving in with T.
I'm constantly contradicting myself and capricious enough to drive anyone insane.



I talked to G last night too. He gave me the usual shit. 'I-love-you-can-we-hang-out-again-before-T-shows-up-are-you-going-to-make-a-decision-about-the-two-of-us-are-you-going-to-pick-him-over-me-why-do-you-sound-so-upset-are-you-okay-why-cant-you-tell-me-why-cant-you-hang-out-tonight-i dont-CARE-of-your-hair-is-done-I-just-want-to-see-you-god-damn-it-Sophia-why-are-you-so-difficult-if-you-didnt-want-to-hang-out-you-could've-just-said-so.' CLICK. Those are our conversations. When I'm talking to T, G is being cold and bitter towards me, while T is loving and nurturing. When I'm talking to G, T is angry and jealous while G is forcing himself on me.


Out of all the shit that's going on, I'm just sitting around waiting to wake up stunning and 20 lbs lighter.

I wouldn't have a problem with seeing Mark, or living with T if I was even just 10 lbs lighter. But I have no more drive, and no more will power. I feel like I've accepted the fact that I'll always be fat. 'Don't bother skipping on desert, you're a fatass anyways. Might as well enjoy being a cow.' even though we all know I go back to throw up every bite of dessert after wards because I couldn't live with myself any other way.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3