This is going to be a shallow negative post.
I am frustrated. More frustrated with myself than I have been in a long time. I woke up today in a shitty mood because last night I ate like a fucking COW.
I can't believe I'm so stupid as to binge two days before Mark shows up. What the fuck was I thinking?? God I'm a fucking idiot.
Now my stomach is HUGELY bloated and my weight has shot up to 128. When I say hugely I mean my stomach is REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking bloated. I can hardly button my pants. I looked in the mirror this morning, saw it, and almost tore all of my fucking hair out. Then I realized 'hey it doesnt matter if I fast all day today and tomorrow, I'm absolutely FUCKED.' I feel like crying. Tears are literally welling up in my eyes from how frustrated and angry I am with myself. I really can't even put it into words. Even if I fasted all day tomorrow it wouldn't make a difference. Mark is coming around 6 on Saturday. That would be like.. a day and a half. A day and a half is not enough for this bloating to go down. I've been picking at food all day. This is fucking pointless.
So far I've eaten two fortune cookies, a spoonful of cranberry sauce, a piece of broccoli from the chinese we ate last night, and a liter of diet coke. I might as well just fucking give up. I've lost the fight.
Another thing thats contributing to my shitty mood is that yesterday my mom convinced me to go get my layers re-cut. I have been growing out my hair for about 8 MONTHS and so far it's grown about an inch or so. My hair has always been long though so it was somewhere down to just below my bust line. It used to grow so fast...
Well anyways I tell the woman "DO NOT cut ANYTHING off the length. I just want my layers re-cut to medium length."
Don't ever trust anyone with an accent to cut your hair.
I close my eyes out of habit and when she's done my hair is about four inches shorter and is now just barely past my shoulders. I almost fucking killed her. I'm not going to get into it, but long story short I started screaming and cussing the woman out and was on the verge of hitting her. My mom had to drag me out and beat the shit out of me in the car. After that, I was like "fuck it my hair is ruined I might as well stuff my face. Hope for looking nice is lost, fuck my life."
I don't think that woman understands how fucking impossible it is to grow out hair with an eating disorder. The one thing I actually take pride in gets taken from me. Fucking AWESOME.
I guess its my fault though, I mean who closes their eyes during a hair cut.
I really don't have anything else to say. The purpose of this post was for me to vent so the people around me don't have to deal with me and I can go back to feigning happiness.
Now I'm going to go prance around at some "get together" my friends having and listen to people lie to me. I will dance and tell jokes and laugh, but on the inside I will want to rip all of them and myself apart.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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oh darling, i hope you cheer up soon. sorry about the haircut. i hope it grows back quickly.
ReplyDeletexoxo
zette
I COMPLETELY understand the hair thing. No one I seem to go to can comprehend the word "trim." Trim doesn't mean make me look like a boy. There was a point where I wore my hood up constantly until it grew out enough to not look retarded.
ReplyDeleteThings will get better, I'm sure. Don't give up. A day and a half may not sound like a lot of help, but it'll help a little and that's better than no help at all :) You can do it, you're strong <3
This happened to me a couple months ago. I went in and asked the girl to cut my hair right up to my shoulders and give it longer layers. Instead she cut the length up to my chin and put layers all the way up to the crown of my head. Yeah...FUCK! I miss my pony tail.
ReplyDeleteNice.
ReplyDeleteYou may not be able to save yourself in two days, but you can try some crunches, Stomache Ease yogi tea is made for when you get bloated.
I love that you have two fortune cookies, a spoonful of cranberrry sauce, a broccoli and a whole liter of diet coke. Because that's what we all do!
Save yourself the best you can.
Give it your best.
You cannot expect to be rail thin
If you haven't put yourself into it.
(Not saying you haven't tried, I mean just keep trying)
i hate when you pick at things, as it all adds up and you just think.. i might have well have eaten an actual thing. it makes me feel calmer to KNOW how many calories in one thing then having grazed at uncertainty xx
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