The End or the Beginning?

I spent last night with G, drinking in his scent of cigarettes and cologne for what will be the last time in a long time. We stayed up making plans to hang out again and swearing that we would stay friends and never stop talking like we did for a few days there. He made me promise that if T and I don't work out him and I will give the relationship thing a try. I promised.

T and I got into a fight like we always do when G stays over except this time it was more or less my fault for continually accusing him of always being mad at me. [even though he doesn't really get 'mad' at me exactly, he just more or less gets frustrated with me.] I'm not going to apologize though, because I'm a terrible person. [or something like that.]

I've been fasting since Thursday and when I got on my scale yesterday it blinked 118 a few times before I cleared it jumped back on. Then it went up to 123.0 lbs. Not sure what that means. [Actually, I'm pretty sure it means I've finally lost it and I'm hallucinating. Or I need a new scale.] But when I saw that 118, my heart almost stopped and I broke out into an excited sweat. There's nothing like thinking you're 5 pounds lighter than you are to motivate you. I broke my fast this morning with 1/2 a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and 6 bite sized tortilla chips. I'm not too upset over it, since I know that a high calorie day will probably kick up my metabolism or some bullshit like that.

I'm not too sure what to do about G. He scares me and excites me in the same breath.

We we're lying in bed, wrapped up in each other like it was our last night alive and my parents were [like always] fighting. G was kissing my neck, and moved his hands over my stomach. His fingers hit my hipbones that are now more prominent than the last time I saw him.
"Have you lost weight?" He asked me.
"Not that I know of." I said.
"Huh. You seem... smaller." He said suspiciously. I was giddy from the recognition of my hard work. I wondered if T would notice. As much as I enjoy the time I spend with G, I always end up thinking about T and how much I miss him. I don't know what it is, but it seems like what I have with G is something darker - dirtier- than what I have with T. When T and I are together it's sweet, innocent and light. It's comfortable. When G and I are together, its heavy and full of sexual tension. It's got a certain nature of intensity. Although I'm a virgin [and plan to remain one until I'm not-so-young-and-immature] and I know that I will never sleep with G, there's always that feeling there when I'm with him. It's another type of hunger, except this one less mental and more animalistic.

Along the lines of men, I heard from Mark this morning. He called sounding once again like his cheery self and made sure I would be at the airport. It seems like he knows I don't want to go even though I can't back out now. He has a way of making one feel guilty for disliking him. The overly optimistic air about him annoys me for the fact that he's positive to the point of being unrealistic. I would much rather the quality of solid logic in a significant other. Another reason why T and I work so well together.


Although I'm still extremely nervous about seeing Mark at the airport, I'm much more calm now that I've lost some weight. I'm 90% sure I was around 128 / 129. 123 lbs is definitely an improvement. Right now I think the only thing I'm worried about is gaining it back because of what I've eaten today. I truly hate myself right now for thinking that a high calorie day could be even remotely beneficial with how much my body hates me.


I've been thinking a lot about the living with T thing and I'm still extremely unsure about the whole affair. I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of space whereas he could spend years with the same person day in and day out and never get sick of them. Hopefully we'll be able to work it out and moving in together won't completely destroy our relationship and hopefully I'll be able to control my eating more once he's around.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3