Red

I'm standing in front of my vanity mirror, red lip stain in hand, trying to hold myself together. I'm at that point again. I hate everything about myself. I want to scream, or cry, or SOMETHING but I can't. The emotion is permanently solidified inside. I'm getting ready for dinner with T and my parents. T and I haven't spent "quality time" together today.


Instead, we spent the entire day fighting about stupid little things and arguing over nothing. I know that he'll be polite for dinner, but the issues wont be resolved. I un-pin my hair from my head and it cascades down in dark waves and curls. 'I hate my hair.' I think. 'I should cut it all off.' I pull the cap off my lip stain - a bright red more suited to Marilyn Monroe than an ugly duckling like me - and fill my lips in with it.

I slip into a short, simple black dress. My mother is wearing one like it and we had planned to match.




"You look beautiful." My mother says from across the table, unsmiling. It's not a compliment, it's an accusation. Rule #1: Don't ever upstage my mother. If she isn't the center of attention, she will quickly cause enough drama to regain her position there.
"Shes right." T says, a bright smile breaking out over his face. I know he's still mad, but I'm glad for his company. I can never calmly eat dinner with my parents alone anymore.
I don't say anything to either of them, but rather fake a smile at T and grasp his hand. The waiter comes and I order a garden salad as my main course.
"I didn't pay for you to come here so you could eat like a rabbit. Get some real food." My stepfather says in a bitchy tone.
"Don't worry about what I eat. I want a salad." I say, staring him down. The waiter stands awkwardly looking at me.
"Alright so, garden salad?" The waiter confirms.
"Yeah." I say, smiling at him to be polite. I can feel T staring at me as I do it. He lets go of my hand.
The rest of them order quickly, my mother changing her mind frequently and calling the waiter back to change it. My mother and I begin having a conversation about work and how poorly its going. Suddenly, my stepdad says "It's not like you have to worry about work Sophia seeing as you never do any. When was the last time you actually did something productive? You're spoiled."
I turn angrily towards him, but before I can open my mouth to respond, T says in a stern voice: "Hypocrisy is never a fun subject. What did YOU do today? Play World of Warcraft? Damn. You must work pretty hard." I look at my mother and we both in turn look at T. He's sitting there, a relaxed expression on his face, looking at my stepdad as if he actually expects a response from him. My stepdad doesn't say anything. My mother and I go back to conversation. The waiter arrives with our drinks in pretty little crystal glasses and sets them on the clean, champagne colored table cloth. He lingers around me for a moment, catches my eye and smiles at me again.
"God damn it..." I think, knowing T is going to be pissed. To my surprise it's my mother who points it out first.
"What the hell was that?" She says. It's a statement, not a question. Her speech is quite deceptive at times.
"What was what?" I say, innocently. T doesn't say anything.
"He was practically undressing you with his eyes and he SMILED at you." She says in a shocked, angry tone.
"Hadn't noticed. He was probably just being nice." I say, turning my attention towards the forks on the table.
"Huh. Well I'm sure he wouldn't have smiled at you if you weren't acting so slutty."
"Slutty? Really? What the hell did I do to act slutty?" I say, getting loud. I'm aware that people are staring at us, as usual.
"I saw you flirting with him. You were all over him. For god's sake, your boyfriend is right here." She says in disgust. Jesus Christ. Here we fucking go again.
"You're mistaken, Mrs. XXXXXX." T says. "The only crime she committed was being polite. I'm sure if there was any "flirting" it was unintentional on her part." He says. I'm so glad that he's around now. Here to tone down my family when I can't, here to stick up for me when they think I'm crazy. Even when he's mad at me, he always acts as my comrade. My partner in crime. My best friend.
After that, my mother drops the subject and starts talking about something else. It seems like she's attempting to be nice. At least shes trying.



We get home later, and my parents get into a fight. Over me, of course. My stepdad is screaming that I'm a spoiled little bitch who doesn't do anything in the house, or with my life. [I only spend all day cleaning up after them and I'm not in school because they haven't paid all of it off yet.]

"You're a failure as a parent!! You're not a real woman. A real woman knows how to reprimand her child and fuck her man!" My stepdad screams. T and I can hear him through the walls.

"Maybe I won't have sex with you because you're awful. I don't want to see your nasty ass in bed, breathing like a stuck pig, sweating all over me." She says loudly, but without screaming.

Time passes and soon it's 6 in the morning. My mother trying to sleep and my stepdad is walking around the house screaming and breaking shit. He never fucking sleeps. To my astonishment, T is also awake. How do I know? I hear him scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN ITS 6 IN THE MORNING. GIVE IT A FUCKING REST ALREADY." right after my stepdad makes a particularly brutal comment about me.

I love how T is so outspoken. He never says anything uncalled for, and doesn't disrespect my parents until they ask for it. I've noticed T has little patience for my stepfathers constant asshole remarks.

I've been keeping my struggles concerning food to myself rather than sharing them with him, though. I feel like theres something within me, lying just below the surface. A will power, a hunger, an obsession. It's so close to me, yet hasn't consumed me yet. I'm just waiting now for this thing that lies dormant beneath my skin to finally devour me whole. To come back again.

To make me skin and bones.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3