Volver

I'm on T's bed, and we're both lying down turned towards each other. Our hands our clasped and we're having a staring contest. It's a commercial break. His face is shoved close near mine and we're both grinning widely. The moon breaks through the clouds and through his window and for a moment his eyes look green. I giggle, and he tries to hold his laughter in. We both break and burst into laughter. He pulls my face towards his and kisses me slowly.
I feel sleepy. I feel drugged. I feel... my phone vibrating? I pull away from him and reach over to my phone. It's G.
"Hello?" I say. "Is that G?" T asks in an suddenly irritated tone. I put my finger to my lips to quiet him.
"Hey I just called so we could talk one more time." We had spoken that morning. He had called me to tell me that he had taken a job in New York and that he didn't want to leave on a bad note. He said he just wanted a new start. I had asked him to call me before he went to bed since his flight is tomorrow at 5 A.M. "Hang up the phone." T says loudly.
"Is that T?" G says in an annoyed tone.
"Yeah it is. Can I call you back in a second? I was kind of in the middle of something." I say apologetically. "SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU, STOP TRYING" T yells.
"CUT IT OUT." I say sternly.
"What the fuck did he just say to me?" G says loudly.
"NOTHING." I say. "Look I'll call you back, okay?" I say. I want to talk to him so badly. I miss him. I don't want him to leave. "YOU'RE PATHETIC MAN. STOP STALKING MY GIRLFRIEND" T yells.
"HEY FUCK YOU BUDDY WHY DON'T YOU BRING THAT SHIT OVER HERE AND SAY IT TO MY FACE" G screams in my ear.
"STOP GOD DAMMIT." I say getting upset. "I'm gunna take that phone from you in about 30 seconds. You better stop fucking talking to him" T says.
"Shut up, T." I say.
"No, let him take the phone. Fuck this, I don't know why I bother with you. Bye."
"G STOP DON'T HANG UP-" Click.
"Oh so you don't want him to hang up? Why don't you go fucking marry him since you love him so much." T says, staring me down.
"YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE, YOU KNOW THAT?" I scream in his face. I stand up and walk as quickly as I possibly can to my room. For a moment I wish G would take me with him to New York. I wish I had fasted today. I wish I was disgustingly thin so I could throw it in T's face.


I'm lying face down on my bed, buried in blankets. G hates me now, T is an asshole to me, I had a bad fucking day. Just another bad fucking day.
I hear two quick knocks a pause and three more knocks. It's me and T's knock we made so we would know when the other one was at the door. I clear my sore throat.
"What." I say as a statement, not a question. I hear him slowly creep into the room. The floorboards creak beneath him. I hear him sit on the edge of the bed. His rough hands find my ankle and stroke it softly. He doesn't say anything.
I know he doesn't apologize because he isn't sorry. He's only in my room because the spot where I was sitting on his bed is going cold.

"Get out." I say with as much anger as I can muster. I need malice. I need to see him break. I want to manipulate him. I want to grind him down to make him nothing. I want to destroy something beautiful.

He gets up and walks out of my room like he doesn't care. I know he doesn't. He's just glad he won.
You never really know someone until you live with them. Did I make a mistake in us moving in together? Probably. My mother hates me even more now than she did before. Didn't know it was possible. Now the only things she says to me is "You better figure out how to get him the fuck out of my house before I kick you both out" and "I'm disappointed in you." Also, my personal favorite: "I never thought you would turn out to be another teenage trailer trash douchebag." (And you wonder where I get the language from?)

I forgot to do the dishes today for the first time all week and she exploded on me, hurling foreign objects at my back and telling me she hates me. Thank god my stepdad was there to make asshole comments and start laughing at me every time she started screaming at me.

What did T do about all this? Nothing because he wasn't around to see it. No one is ever around to fucking see it. When he got home and I told him, he just held me and kept repeating "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. We'll get out of here soon I promise.". I didn't say much back. Just kind of sat there, wishing there was less food and more liquor in the fridge for me to drown myself in.


I can't exactly say I blame them though. I suppose if I had a grotesquely fat ugly daughter who was about as intelligent as a fucking cat I would be pretty pissed too. I think someone asked me in a comment if I'm in school or not. The short answer to that is no. I haven't been in school for the past 4 months since my mother can't afford the $8,000 to pay for my online classes. Guess I forgot to mention that in my posts. I would go back to public school, but if I do they'll put me back three years whereas if I just wait until my mother pays it then I can make it all up in about a year.

I hate myself for deciding to take online classes everyday. It was mostly my decision and I should have known better than to trust my family with anything.



Hah.
Obviously I ate today. That doesn't even need saying at this point. I was ecstatic to find out that I weigh 127.8 lbs this morning. That definitely got my day off to a lovely start. Fuck my lack of self control. One of these days I'll get there, I just need that push, I know I have it in me, blah blah blah. Who actually gives a fuck anymore? My body is destroyed and coated in fat. One could compare me to an autistic baby seal. :]





On a brighter note, thank you Riki for giving me my second sunshine award <3 I really love you guys. Like previously stated, you guys are the best group of strangers ever. (Even though none of you feel like strangers. I really feel like I'm good friends with most of you.)


Ah. Alright, no more depressing-ness for me. I'm off to bed.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3