Warmth

Yesterday, I wanted to fast. So bad.

And once again, I didn't. It's so much easier in the summer. The heat brings my focus to beads of sweat collecting on the small of my back rather than the assortment of foods resting in the cool fridge.

I don't know what to say about T and I. I have my bouts of being distant and my strange moods and he gets randomly angry at me. Then, as quick as it happens the negative feelings are gone and we're all over each other again. I've begun to feel more complete when hanging out with the people in my house. When it's just me, there's no one to grasp my hand when they make a shitty comment, and no one to sneak off with me to make out in the dimmed hallway.

I'm comfortable eating around T, but I still hate it more than anything. I'm trying to get back into my routine with food. Instead of fasting, I think I'm going to try restricting for a few days until I get up my willpower.

I want to go somewhere for spring break. I hate being in one place too long and spring doesn't seem to suit my artistic side. The weather is too nice to sit inside feeling capricious and moody enough to paint or write, and I'm feeling antsy again anyways. Antsy never makes for good concentration.

I still have that feeling of being isolated and alone. My mother wont let me see my friends, wont let me out of the house, and T is getting tired of being inside all day too. Not sure if I mentioned this, but his car broke down a few days after he got here and he has absolutely no money to fix it so we both haven't been going to too many places lately.

I want hunger. I am completely hungry for hunger itself. I want to feel empty, I want to know that if I wanted to throw up I would only be able to throw up water and diet coke. I want to feel light.



There is a certain sense of accomplishment found in fasting. Not the usual sense, but a different breed. A better breed. A kind that makes you better than the people you live with, or the friends you hang out with. YOU can look at the fries and think nothing. YOU can wave food away from yourself like its ridiculous while everyone else whines about being hungry because they "like haven't eaten in almost 3 hours".

I want it back. I want my sense of fulfillment back. I want to be hungry. I want to be starving. This has nothing to do with my weight. In fact, my weight is still at 124.0 which is extremely surprising. All I want is to succeed.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3