Change of Plans

I'm sitting in T's brightly lit kitchen. It's mid-morning, and I'm happy. I feel it most when I'm with him.
"Okay close your eyes and turn around." He says smiling playfully.
"Whyyy?" I whine, trying to suppress my smile.
"Do it or I won't give them to you." He says sternly.
"If you bought me something I'll kill you." I warn, turning around and closing my eyes. He kisses me on the head and I hear him walk back to rummage through a cabinet. I'm nervous. 'What if he bought me clothes and I don't fit them?'
"Okay turn around!" He says.
Hes wielding a brand new set of metal measuring cups; a light blue bow is stuck to the handle of the 1/4th cup.
"Oh T you're the best!" I scream. I feel better than if he would have gotten me jewelry. I throw myself on him, crushing the measuring cups against my empty stomach.
I stick them in my oversized purse so I don't forget them and T and I get in his car to drive back to my house. I sit down, buckle my seat belt and look up when I feel him staring at me.
"What?" I say, noting the concerned look on his face.
"Can I ask you something? He says carefully.
"Uh.. why do I have a bad feeling about this?" I laugh nervously.
"So.. why we're you so upset about your stepdad throwing out the measuring cups?" He says, turning in his chair to fully face me. He's holding the keys in his right hand.
"Oh. Because they were mine and he did it just to piss me off. I don't know, I just really don't like people touching my things I guess." I lie. I shouldn't have told him I was upset about the measuring sups. Sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut.
"Are you being honest with me?" He says, looking straight in my eyes. I pause for a minute, feeling squeamish.
"Sure." I say, smiling. The facade is back up.
"Soph.. Do you have an eating disorder?" He says plainly. He's not letting this go.
"Excuse me?" I say my face turning red. I've been caught. I try to think of a way to get out of it. I know he'll know if I lie.
"Eating disorder. Do. You. Have. One." He says. He looks like he just asked me what the weather is going to be like tomorrow. His eyebrow is cocked.
"Uh.." I say.
"Oh just tell me already." He says exasperated.
"Eating disorder? Something like that." I say, afraid of his reaction.
"Well alright then." He says lightly and turning back to put the keys in the ignition.
The ride back is an extremely long one for the fact that he lives so far away from me. We talk about all kinds of things. He tells me he plans on moving back to where I live. I'm excited. I ask him if he has enough money to. He says he'll figure something out. I know he's broke and feel guilty for him buying me things. Sitting in the car, I get the bright idea that he should come stay with me for a few weeks until he gets on his feet. He's apprehensive at first because of his pride, but likes the idea for getting to spend more time with me. I realize that it's a shitty idea with the way I live, but I don't care.
"So I'll talk to my mom then." I say with a big stupid grin on my face.
"Sounds like a plan babe." He says. He's smiling too. Suddenly he clears his throat and looks nervous. "Hey there was something I wanted to ask you." He says, staring out at the road.
"If you ask me about the eating disorder thing again, I'll throw you out of the car." I say.
"No not that. Something else." He laughs nervously. My mind goes to me and G. Could he know?
"Well hurry up and ask me before I have a mild heart attack!" I say, anticipating the question.
"Uh.. okay well.. I know that we haven't really been going out that long and stuff.. look and if you don't want to, just say so. No pressure." He says. We stop at a red light. His knuckles are white from the pressure of him holding the steering wheel.
"And uhh... well since I'm getting an apartment where you live and stuff, and your living situation really sucks.. well I just wanted to know like.. Would you want to come live with me? I mean like since you really don't get along with your family and everything.. I get kind of worried and uh.. yeah. You don't have to if you don't want to." He says. I'm dumbstruck.
"OH MY GOD YES!" I scream. I finally have a ticket out of hell. He's a godsend. A godsend with a car, a job, and a future apartment. 'Could something great actually work out for me for once?'

Later I talk to my mom and she's completely cool about the whole thing. She tells me that as long as he works, he can stay as long as he needs. I call him and we have a mini-celebration over the phone. A glass of champagne for each of us, and we spend the rest of the time talking about getting a puppy.


Afterwards, I start thinking about all the possible problems. What if he comes here and we don't work out? He's going to see me eat. What if I feel trapped? He's going to see me when I wake up and my hair is jacked. He's going to see me at my worst. I know that after he comes I won't be able to see G too often anymore. A part of me will miss what we had. A part of me still hates him for almost leaving for the army.

Am I really ready for all this shit?

I just hope that it works for a little while. I'm not going to sit here and say I hope we get married and we're "together forever" all this shit because I'm not stupid enough to think a high school relationship is going to last [That and the prospect of marriage horrifies me.] but if it works out long enough for me to get out of my house and get my own place, then great.

The only problems I have with this is that I need a lot of space and I get irritated easily when around someone for an extended amount of time. I have a habit of feeling suffocated. Also, [I'm sure you all saw this coming], I'M A FUCKING WHALE. I have approximately two weeks to make myself look like a Victorias Secret model. [and you better believe I'm going to lose weight like never before.]

I had 400-something calories yesterday, and today I'm back to fasting. Hopefully I can fast for a good 7 days, eat for three days, and then fast some more until he gets here. If I'm not dead, I'll look fabulous.


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3