Take Your Time, Hurry Up.

I was extremely surprised to look at the calender today and see that it's the 11th.

For some reason I thought it was the third even though I know my last post was on the 6th. My perception of time and date have been extremely off lately.

On the topic of food: I'm tired of fucking trying. Actually, I'm tired of wanting to try but being too afraid to put my all into getting to a low weight because I don't want to be disappointed. That fear of failure is definitely going to bite me in the ass in later life.

Today I ate: Doritos. No clue how many. TWO hot dogs. And... wait actually thats it. I thought I had eaten more various random things but I guess I just had the basic 'fat girl' stuff. I have this notion that certain foods are 'fat girl' foods. Foods that you can easily see some over-weight chick eating while trying to look care free and 'happy with her body' when in reality she cares way more about that piece of pizza and those love handles than she lets on.

This list includes...
Ice cream: The last time I had ice cream, I spent the night bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor and throwing up. I'm pretty sure that was almost a year ago.
Pizza: My arch nemesis of foods. The enemy that lurks behind every corner. The second you realize you're doing well, it pops up and ruins everything for you. The worst part is it's appropriate at all times. Parties, at home watching a movie, out with friends, all the fucking time. Someone always throws in the idea to order pizza and I can never say no.
Hot Dogs: Today was the first time I've had a hot dog in years. I remember watching a chubby friend hunched over at a field trip scarfing down hot dogs looking ashamed while the boys stared. This image has been burned in my mind forever.
Doritos: Not plain tortilla chips. Not potato chips. Just Doritos.


There are more, but I won't list them right now for time's sake. Another strange thing I've noticed recently [I'm always noticing strange things about myself. Ugh.] is that I also have a list of 'safe' foods. It has nothing to do with calorie content, or fat content, or what the food is made of. It's just food with positive connotations surrounding it and therefore in my mind okay to eat.


Lollipops: A few years ago, I had a picture from a magazine of a model posing with a lollipop as if she was about to eat it and at one point idolized her. I have since then figured that you don't really eat a lillopop... you just suck on it. And anyway, people can't get fat off of eating nothing but lollipops so they must be alright. After all, all they are is hardened juice. [Even though I know damn well they aren't sticks of hardened juice but rather layers of hardened sugar and calories. My logic makes no sense.]

Chocolate Covered Mints: Not sure where this came from. There was one point where I used to buy boxes and boxes of Chocolate Dipped Altoids and stash them beneath my bed.

Popsicles: Again with the juice factor. I figure, it's just frozen juice. For the most part I don't count anything liquid so I guess in my mind if it's liquid then the calories in it don't count and so are equal to zero's in the calorie checkbook.

Salsa: I used to eat it by the spoonful. The "safe" rule only counts if you don't eat it with chips and don't drink anything afterward. Don't know why.

Jello: Each cup of Jello in my house amounts to 5 calories, and since I only eat Jello when it's submersed in a cup of Kool-Aid [made with splenda] and eaten with a straw, the liquid rule applies here also.



Again, I know there's more but I'm not up for listing all of them right now. Just wanted to give you guys a better look at the way I think and bring some of my illogical rules out into the light.




T and I:
We got into a fight yesterday before bed, then he came and woke me up in the middle of the night and apologized and said he didn't want to fight about stupid things and he doesn't want the relationship to fail. I've been kind of thinking lately though and I've come to realize that I'm afraid of us getting sick of each other or getting too comfortable in the relationship. Once you get too comfortable, you take it for granted, once you take it for granted you lose it, and once its gone its gone forever. I don't want us to end up like that. We disagree about the stupidest little things though and I find that it's impossible for me to argue with him. Not for the fact that he's difficult, but simply because when I'm around him it's harder for me to put my thoughts into words. I'm much better at arguing my case with everyone else and so I come off as an idiot who gets mad about stupid things for no reason.

I should probably express this to him, but I don't want to start another argument. It's a shame. It doesn't help either than we're around each other 24/7 and have no lives outside of the relationship due to unfortunate circumstances. Still not sure how to fix that.




G has disappeared off the face of the earth. I would say I don't care, but I'm sure thats a little obvious. Of course I miss what we had and I miss our conversations and everything but I'm not going to lose sleep over someone whos always trying to make me out to be the bad guy. Apparently he doesn't want to be 'just friends'.




A new desire of mine: to be hospitalized. I want there to be solid evidence of my capability of self destruction. I want a badge, a T-shirt, ANYTHING for fucks sake that I can look back on and say 'hey, look at that I actually did it. I actually got somewhere.' I know that wishing to be hospitalized is the stupidest thing someone could actually wish for. I don't think it's some rainbow filled place where you can sleep all day and have people take care of you. I've heard the horror stories. I only want it for the experience itself and the recognition FROM myself TO myself. I want to be able to pat myself on the back for once. I want to know exactly what its like... tubes, pills, wristband and all.





P.S. - Alisson, you are AMAZING. Thank you so much for granting me that award. Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out: Click!




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3