B, sex, and losses [but not of weight]

okay.
where to start.

Talked to B last night. middle of the night kind of conversation. we were playing 20 questions, and got in the topic of sex.


so i definitely already gave him the whole speech about how i didnt want a relationship like that with him and im not ready for something like that blah blah blah blah blah.


so anyways.
we're playing 20 questions and he goes "how long do i have to wait to have sex with you?"

and i was like
"haha didnt we go over this already?" [thinking he was kidding]

and he was like "yeah.. but to be honest with you i was high as shit when we were talking about that so its not really fair."

yeah. i tried to have a serious conversation with him, that actually meant something to me and he was high and has no idea wtf i said.


so i was like "okay well what i said was that there isnt guna be sex in the relationship because im not ready for something like that and then i told you that if thats what you were looking for then it wouldnt work out. and you said you didnt care about the sex."


and you know what he says?

"of course i care about the sex. thats what relationships are. you cant have a real relationship unless theres sex involved. if there isnt then how are you supposed to love someone?"

yeah. thats exactly what he said.

i said, "a good relationship isnt about sex. loving someone is unconditionally caring about them, being close to them, and having a bond with them. you dont need sex for that. sex is the physical manifestation of an abstract feeling. its not supposed to be the reason for the feeling."

he says:

"well how would you know youre a virgin. youre just young and naive. if youd experienced it then youd know what a real relationship is like."

i say:
"so what all of my other relationships were a joke or something? and how are you guna get off calling me young and naive. obviously im more mature than you are if im smart enough to know when someones just trying to get into my pants."

he says:
"im not just trying to get into your pants. i mean i like you but why would i go out with you if im not getting any. that seems kind of pointless."


me:
"are you fucking joking? thats pretty shitty. i seriously thought that you were someone completely different. thanks for letting me know i was wasting my time with you."

him:
"i mean we can go out if you snap outta that 'no sex' bullshit. you know its healthy for someone your age to have a sexual relationship. are you like afraid of sex or something?"


me:
"why would i be afraid of sex. its just sex. sex to me is nothing more than a pastime and doesnt have a whole lot to do with the relationship. im only 16 and i have the rest of my life to fuck around. why cant you just stop being a dick and see that im not changing myself for anyone. if you dont fucking like me the way i am, then you can go sit your ignorant ass down in a corner somewhere."


him:
"why are you getting so pissed off? im just saying if we went out then it would hurt my feelings and make me really sad if you didnt want to go all the way. its like youre rejecting me. you know i was abused when i was younger right?"

me:
"you know im not fucking retarded right? youre manipulative as shit. come to think of it, i dont like you anymore. in fact, im not really sure why i would like an ignorant manipulative prick like you in the first place."

him:
"why do you have to be like that? i just wanted love okay. thats it. im sorry that in the real world that includes sex. thats what relationships are for. youre guna have to grow up someday you know. youre a beautiful girl. i dont see what the problem is."

me:
"oh cut the innocent 'i want love' bullshit. youre exactly like every other guy out there and no amount of "you're beautiful"s will change that."

him:
"oh so now its my fault that im a man? real men have needs and obviously you cant fulfill those needs. youre the one with problems not me."

me:
"you know what? fuck you. go hop on your own fucking dick. and good luck finding any girl in this city who will deal with a broke ass loser with no job, and no car. you think youre a real man? ive seen real men, and you dont even close to measure up babe. looks like youll be stocking up on lotion for a while."

him:
"wtf is wrong with you? why are you being such a bitch? im sorry if i made you mad but we can still be friends right?"

me:
"loose my fucking number kid."







and thats it.

that was our conversation.
i had a feeling.
i so had a feeling.
how did i fucking know?

i liked him.

i really like him.

but thats it.

it lasted what, a whole week?
im not sure exactly how long it was, but it was pretty fucking short lived.
and to think we were talking about getting an apartment together for a few months during the summer.



so last night i lay there.
feeling like my lungs had been pissed out of my chest. so pissed off my face was the color of a lobster.

i went to sit outside on the roof of my moms car.
and i lay there.

a gaping hole where my stomach should be, smiling up at the stars.

and there goes my reason.

and the sad part is that even though i barely knew him,

he was a reason.

he was a reason to smile every once in a while.
he was a reason to really listen to the words of stupid love songs on the radio.
he was a reason to get up out of bed and get dressed in the mornings.


he was a place to go, he was someone to talk to, he was someone to relate to.


and i made the mistake of thinking that things were the same way for him.

he said something to me once, along the lines of 'youre the girl ive been waiting for, like the missing piece to my puzzle.'

and maybe it was that line that had me going.



now im left shelled.
empty and hollowed.

all because im not like other people my age.
just because i know what i want and what i dont.

this is in no way my fault.
but oh how im paying for it.



i dont miss him at all.
i didnt love him at all.
i miss who i thought he was.
i loved who i made him out to be.



and im not going to eat today.
i havent been on the scale today.
im not going to eat tomorrow.
and ill get on the scale in the morning.
i dont want to eat the next day.
or the next day.
or the next day.


im not upset, im just pissed off
im. not. upset. im. just. pissed. off.
imnotupsetimjustpissedoff


im upset and im pissed off and im let down because i knew exactly what kind of person he was when i first met him but i was hoping for more and i was hoping that the world would be a different place than it turned out to be and he proved that its just as shitty as they say and i dont want to eat because when you eat youre alive and when you suddenly become alive, it hurts to die again [when your metaphorical death is inevitable and everywhere].

its everywhere.
its in your friends that stab you in the back,
its in the boys that break your heart,
its in your family that doesnt care,
its in your future,
your past,
your present...

and its funny because no matter what we do, no one will ever be able to escape the random points of pain throughout life. they're inescapable but all i do is try to run from then when i know that one day ill have to stand and DEAL with the pain.



but for now,
i will simply starve.






XOXO Sophia Ruins <3