im just Alice in Binge-Land wishing i could do better. 121lbs

ive been eating all day like a fucking cow and i have to say i officially hate myself.
i change day to day and today i fucking despise myself.
im weak.
no, im not even that.
im lower than weak.
i didnt even TRY to tell myself no.
i didnt even attempt.
i just said "oh i want it so bad i might as well just have one."
so i ate.
and ate and ate and ate.
i had like 4 doughnuts.
and some taco bell.

i am fucking ruined.
completely ruined.

i binged yesterday and i binged today.
i feel bloated and awful and sick and HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE.

this fucking food is ruining me.
its rotting me from the inside out and i can feel the fumes of it seeping out from my mouth, from my nose, and i can practically SEE it poisoning the air around me.

food is unappealing to me.
i dont want anymore of it.
its heavy and sick and full of too much taste.
too much taste that overloads.
i noticed half the fucking food in my house is either fried or coated in sugar.
literally.

wtf is that?!
how the fuck can these people do that?!
theyre midless drones, shoving food into their mouth wthout even looking at it, just open, shove, chew, swallow.
the keep rushing through their busy lives, going fast and faster, never stopping to notice what they're doing to themselves.

i know.
i was one of them once.
i was stupid once.
i ate what was put in front of me, no questions asked, no grams of fat measured, no calories accounted for.

but im smarter now,
now i know how the game works,
and the game never stops once you get it started.

everything is so full of numbers but numbers are safe.
my life is just a swirling cloud of numbers and scales and weights and measurements and workout mats.

but its okay,
its what i want it to be, this is the way i WANT to live.

there are rules.
there are always rules.
you dont eat 3 hours before weighing.
you cant drink anything with more than 100 calories in it even though liquid calories are not counted
you dont eat in front of people.
when asked, you say youre sick of you already ate.
you lie you lie you lie.
you cut up your food into the smallest amounts possible. so small you cant even pick them up to eat them.
if the scale is more than it was yesterday you FUCKING FAIL.
you fail and thats the end of it.
back to the lab again.
you dont eat foods that have more than two digit calories in them.
if the intake for the day is over 2 digits, you will gain 5 lbs.
there is no question.
it doesnt matter that you didnt gain 5 last time, because it will happen this time.
nothing fried, nothing greasy, nothing with real sugar.
there are specific rules that apply to everyone.
everyone makes up their own rules, but once made up, they cannot be forgotten.
if you break the rules, you fail the game.
some eat certain colored foods.
at certain times.
certain places.

no matter what the rules, everyone has them.
theyre there, and you cant stop following them.

then sometimes you dont follow the rules.
you binge and fuck up when life gives you things you cant deal with.
then you pay for it.
you HAVE to pay for it.
life doesn't hand out freebies.

you stress and you stress and you bottle everything up like all that diet soda you drink until its fizzing out of you, overflowing and all of the words start rushing out, spilling all over the place until everyone knows because you CANT hold it in any longer and you CANT deal with it by yourself anymore so you think theyll help you.

but they dont.
all they do its try to help you the best way they know how:
feed you.

stuff you to the brim like a teddy bear about to burst with cotton
and they watch you.
constantly.


and you end up fucked.
constantly being handed food you dont need and constantly asked your weight.

you lie about everything else, what makes them think youll tell the truth?

dont trust me.
dont trust me at all.
everytime i tell you ive eaten, ive lied.
everytime i say i had ice cream ive lied.
dont trust me,
because im anorexic.

im an anorexic and theres not a fucking thing you can do to stop me.

i will binge and i will binge and i will binge

but in the end shes still with me.

whispering in my ear telling me i could stand to loose a few pounds because, alas, i am still a gluttonous pig.
and i know shes right.

i binged today,
but ill make up for it tomorrow ana, i promise.
i wont eat for weeks if its what you want.

ill do anything ana, please just dont leave me alone here in this fucked up place with these people that dont make sense and the world spinning upside down.

just make things okay for a little bit.

i promise ill do better.

i promise ill do so much better.

just dont leave.