this is some bullshit 120 lbs.

okay food update: ive been binging like a mad-woman the past few days.
my weigh has been at 120.
my body is fucked up?
pretty much yeah.

okay so heres the deal.

im pretty much insane now.
ive never ever had a problem saying bye to guys.
usually its more of an i-cuss-you-out-you-cuss-me-out-now-its-over-on-to-the-next-one type thing.

but last night B texted me, apologizing a million times saying hes really bi-polar and he hadnt taken his medication and he isnt really like that he swears and he didnt mean any of it and hes an asshole and blah blah blah.

honestly all i heard the entire time he was trying to apologize was "im an asshole, you should kick me in the balls. im an asshole, you should push me down a flight of stairs."

i geuss that does explain it.
im wondering if hes lying.
theres a chance he is.
but when i talked to him, he honestly didnt sound like himself.

he kept saying he was sorry and if i hate him and never talk to him again he understands and he heard im having family problems and he just wants to help me la la la la la.

so what do i do?
i talk to him.
and i let it all out.
i tell him everything i think about him.
good and bad.
i got it all off my chest.
it felt good, but somehow it didnt help me any.
yesterday, i was at the point where i had let it go and everything was guna be okay and i didnt care about him [or so i pretended].
then he comes prancing along, and fucks it all up.

now im one of those girls.
you know the kind.
the weak ones that go crawling back to the man that abused them, tried to kill them, and set their hair on fire.
well not to that extent of course.

im pretty sure this makes me weak.
but he asked if we could at least talk things out on the phone more.

so later that night he called me and it was like everything was back to normal.

i laughed at everything like i always do
he told me hilarious shit.
he asked if i needed a place to stay [i do, but i told him i dont know yet. i shouldve just said no.]
we talked freely, easily, and there was no awkwardness.
when we were talking, he knew i was still mad.
he said it a couple times, and that just lead to more pleading and apologizing.
i told him i had to go, and that was that.

after we got off the phone, i was stuck feeling like i got hit by a car again.

then we were texting.
and he got mad at me.
i cant exactly remember why.
i was a little tipsy.
why i was tipsy on a Wednesday night, i dont really know.
but anyways.
i vaguely remember him yelling at me for something.
then i yelled back.
i know i was mad because he was being a mind-fuck and acting like he had this vast knowledge of the world [when hes the one who cant understand shit]
and i was just some little kid he was trying to help.

us fighting left me feeling nothing more than dizzy, raped, and empty.


then i decided something.
if im the one who adores him but hates him in the same breath, then that means hes pretty much fucked with my head already.
so that gives me the right to fuck with his head.

im tired of him.
he adds more bullshit to my life.

so now its my turn.
we all know he can be manipulative.
but so can i.
he doesnt know enough about me to know that i can be colder, more manipulative, and twice the mind-fuck as him.

my mission is now to fuck him up.
be the sweet girl he wants and expects me to be,
pretend to be his dream girl [i know what he wants.]
let him think that im head over heels for him.
let him develop feelings for me but stronger than the ones i had for him.

and then i fuck him up.
leave him scarred, break his heart, make it so he cant look at another female without breaking down.
i am going to ruin him, for the simple fact that he ruined me.

he turned me into some weak desperate girl and thats some bullshit.


some straight fucking bullshit.


fin =]



oh yeah, and thanks A LOT for all the comments.
you guys really helped me out and i have to say i was in a pretty dark hour.
i love you all for your support! [ill try to comment yall back as soon as i can. it might take years, but ill get around to it]





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3