okay so how do i thoroughly explain the emotional mess ive been lately?
we moved out of out old house, left stepfag there and according to mommy dearest, hes "out of our lives for good".
HAH!
i call bullshit.
at least i got to get in my regular dosage of stress and hate while we packed up our stuff and listened to my stepfag threaten to murder us all.
oh, and because i was so busy packing i didnt get time to do any school work so ONCE AGAIN im behind on the work that i was already behind on.
ive been stuffing my face, then declaring a fast, then failing 10 minutes later like the little train who couldnt since my last post.
actually, im pretty sure i made it till the morning of the 22nd, then i ate.
i attempted to start out slow, by setting my calories to a ridiculously high number [500] and then planning to cut it in half every day.
well needless to say, that was failure as well.
last time i checked, im back to 127 lbs.
that was yesterday morning.
im pretty sure im going to cancel my plans to see my ex slash everyone because im too fat to socialize.
oh, the insecurity.
to make things worse, the battery in my scale is dead, so i have no idea what i weigh at this exact moment.
maybe this is a good thing, because lord knows im going to end up 190 lbs by the end of this week.
i just want to give up so bad but i CANT.
i cant let this dream slip away from me.
i was doing so well..
right?
at least i think i was doing well at some point in time...
why cant it be easy for me, like how it was for the girl in second star to the right?
all she had to do was cut back and cut back and cut back and voila shes landed in the hospital deathly thin.
i mean i dont want to end up in the hospital, or deathly thin but i DO want to be close to it.
damn close.
i dont want to kill myself, but i want to see what its like to be so close to death, to be standing on the edge of the cliff about to fall.
i dont have a death wish, and never did.
im more or less just curious.
curious of who would come out of the wood work to care in the last precious moments, and curious about how my world would change.
curiosity killed the cat.
actually,
curiosity wouldve killed the cat, but the cat wasnt thin enough.
so anyways.
today im debating whether i should fast [at this point i have a 60% failure rate]
or i should just give up now and say that i didnt have a chance anyway with that 40%.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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i geuss only u can decide wht u wanna do, but whatever u choose fast/restrict/or normal eating , good luck :)
ReplyDeletex
Sometimes, it's better to just let it go for a few days, get stronger mentally and then you can do whatever you decide to do (fast or restrict).
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. If this is really what you want, you'll get there.
You can do this.
I'm sorry that you've been bouncing around weight-wise. The instability at home definitely isn't helping you any. Don't give up, but at the same time be careful. I don't want you to be hospitalized or worse, dead. Stay strong and stay safe <3
ReplyDeleteHeyya :)
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty new here but this is my blog:
http://eatingdisorderdepictions.blogspot.com/
It's basically my way of promoting the use creative therapies to treat eating disorders.
I'd love it if you checked it out! and if you like it, follow it <3
-Becky
PS- "Too fat to socialize" gah, you sound exactly like me. Why do we let weight hold us back? :(
Insecurity sucks major fucking ass. Sorry Sophia.
ReplyDeleteI hope your mom's serious. I hope he's out of yall's lives for good. He's an ass.
curiousity may have killed the cat but
ReplyDeletesatisfaction brought it back!!!
do you remember when you went to hospital and woke up a week later at like 107lbs? What do you think of that now? coz i remember you were like, what's the point ( just wanted to hear your thoughts on it now)
ReplyDeleteSometimes the numbers on the scale are so discouraging, they make you want to binge. Maybe you shouldn't replace the battery for a while. You'll start to fast again once you're not discouraged, and then you'll be pleasantly surprised by the numbers on the scale.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe its just me. Don't fear, though, you will make it. Be strong!
You know, when I read Wasted I thought there was going to be some kind of magic answer because she got so damn small and everyone worships her. I looked for her food lists and exercise regimes and I was like "shit, I already know all this shit... why am I not dead?"
ReplyDeleteSomeone upstairs is obviously fucking around with us Sophia. Imma build me a ladder and shove my metabolism up his ass. Vulgar! I'll tell you how it goes dear.
All my love regarding your current situation with the move and your family. I know you're strong, but I hope you can get a break soon :(
Wooooo! Yay for escaping the Stepfag!! FFS I hope your mum can grow a pair and stay the hell away from him!!
ReplyDelete*Hugs* Deep breaths and work slowly. If it would make you feel better, throw the sodding scale out the window for a week, hen declare a new start <3
you can do it! 40 percent is a lot!
ReplyDelete