Slender, Fragile, Ashen

okay so i pretty much ate myself into oblivion yesterday.

fasted for most most of the day, then out of nowhere said fuck it and had an apple.

then some chef boyardee ravioli.

and then slowly made my way to the mash potatoes.


needless to say, it went down hill after that point.




my family officially still sucks too.
woke up this morning to my parents fighting because my stepdad "didnt feel" like going to work today, then my mom got all pissy and asked me to go with her and i told her i had school work [because i do. she would know since my counselor called her to tell her that im way behind.] and then my mom decided to cuss me out because 'im worthless and lazy and never going to amount to anything if i cant even go to work.'


hey mom, do me a fucking favor and remember the fact that im 16, not 40.
i have more important things to do with my life than follow you around at your work just because your pathetic boyfriend wont do anything.


then i came back upstairs and my stepdad goes 'yeah ill bet you regret being on her side all the time huh'
and i say 'im on her side most of the time because youre a douchebag who acts like hes 5.'
and he says 'what the fuck did you say to me little girl?'
and i walk up to him,
get in his fucking face,
take the stack of plates out of his hands,
throw them on the wood floor that is now scratched to hell,
and scream
"I SAID YOURE A DOUCHBAG WHO ACTS LIKE HES 5 YOU FUCKING PUSSY. SAY SHIT BACK TO ME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS."
he didnt say anything back.
just stood there mouth open and all.


i went back to my room and texted my best friend "im gangster."
and he said "did you fuck with your stepdads life again?"






im tired of food.
not just tired of eating food, but tired of its existence.
sometimes i wonder that if food were a living thing, would it hate me back?
we could be arch enemies, forever at war.
i can see myself pumping out bullets into a doughtnut weilding a toothpick machine gun in slow motion already.
where is chuck norris when you need him?


im not really sure what my plan is.
sometimes i just want to randomly break everything around me because i dont know what to do with myself, and im out of plans.
i weigh 125 lbs today.

i just wanted to be thin.
to be thin, with bones like that of a bird's.
thin, hollow bones.
i want my words to speak louder than my body does.
my body screams 'i eat pizza at 2 in the morning and have no self control.'
i want my body to stfu.

i dont want to be like all the 13 year old little girls i run into at the mall.
theyre almost always wearing heels and too much makeup.
they have muffin tops, and think their the shit.
they always say annoying things like 'girl look at my booty. it is sooo big. im so lucky.'
then they walk around like chickens, sticking their asses straight out, swinging their new hips left and right.

that pisses me off more than anything.
pride in fat.
i never understood why someone would be proud that their shirt is way too tight, or their pants cut into their sides like bread baking around twine.
[familyguyftw]

i remember going to a football game a few years ago with my friends.
i was a freshman, so of course i thought all the seniors were the coolest thing since jesus.

i remember seeing a senior girl who cut her football jersey like they did in the 80's, so it would show her stomach she painted green and gold.

the image of her flat, almost caved in stomach, and her hip bones like two small mountains was burned into my mind permanently.

i can still remember it like it was yesterday.

after that i went home that night, i went to examine my own stomach, poking and prodding at it, wondering why she had the perfect stomach while i still had baby fat leftover from middle school.

it was then that i decided that her perfect stomach was why she got the perfect boyfriend and expensive car and if i wanted to have a smokin boyfriend and expensive car, id better stop eating so much.


now, im about 6 months away from being a senior and dont have the perfect stomach, or the expensive car. [although i will say, my boyfriend is pretty somkin ;]]



but you know what?
im perfectly okay with that.

mostly because that girl was mean to everyone and had 4 abortions that year.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3