Too much stuff. 118 lbs. Day Four, Five, and Six

okay so.
i have so much stuff to tell that i dont have time to relate my feelings on most of it.

thursday i got really bored /curious and decided to just try the damned nutmeg and see if it got me high or not.
i took it on an empty stomach so i only took a tablespoon.

let me say.
i didnt think it would work at ALL.
oh but it did.
5 hours later, i was sitting in my kitchen, talking to what i thought was a cockroach the size of a cat, but turned out to be nothing at all.
im not even kidding.
i was seein wierd ass shit.
but i felt amazing. euphoric and absolutely amazing.
i remember talking to the crazy purple cat from alice in wonderland.
a lot of stuff happened that i cant even begin to describe so let it suffice to just say it was trippy.
the next day [friday] i felt good all day long, and the high lasted up until friday night.
it was just a really good sense of well being.
and music had this amazing quality to it.
like when i listened to it, the noise just flew through my body and i could feel every note.

it was a good trip.


next thing.

i am going out with B.
a lot of stuff happened while i was high that i didnt find out about until the next day.
like i binged.
on a banana split.
the only good part about that is that i worked out HARD for 9 hours straight.
i didnt even stop.
i just kept going and going and going and idk where the energy came from, but i stayed up all night exercising and the next day i was sore as all hell.

i was at 119 before the binge, now im at 118.

so B had called while i was tripping and he said all this stuff about how hes in love with me and he cant stop thinking about me ever and hes tired of trying to let me go when he cant and all this stuff.

the strangest thing is it was all SINCERE.

like he really meant it.

and he asked me out.
so now were official.

didnt affect my mind frame though, im still going to fuck him up.

anyways.

spent saturday sober, and then my friends came over and we all partied.
a good friend of mine and i got extremely wasted and he decided it was best if he didnt drive home.

i have to confess, we made out.
i dont exactly remember it, but i remember feeling like i hoped B found out because he deserved it.
my friend has a girlfriend.
i dont feel bad, and he doesnt feel bad.
it hasnt affected us at all.

but just to let you all know, i dont go parading around making out with friends when im drunk.

of course its happened before, but not a significant number of times.
so dont you guys go thinking im some sort of slutty girl whos like that.


anyways,

then today my mom decided shes spliutting from my stepdad.

weve ogne over this drill a million times.
we always end up staying.

so i decided that im tired of moving and ill just switch back and forth between living with my mom and staying at my stepdads house.


i hate my stepdad.

but he cant tell me what to do.
and he doesnt really care where i go.
so itll be like a free pass.

plus me and my mom dont get along as well as we used to.

weve been getting along better, but still not as well as we used to.

today in the car, she brought up my eating, telling me she knows i dont eat and she thinks im making myself sick and that i should know that if i continue, shes going to send me to the hospital and leave me there.

im perfectly fine with going to a hospital.

they wont let me stay;

im too fat.


i convinced her that its none of her business [i pretend im grown even though im 16]
and that i could handle my own problems.
i assured her that if there was a problem she needed to be concerned with, it would be blatantly clear.

my stepdad still thinks im doing it for attention.

my mom thinks im crazy.

my best friend thinks im bi-polar.

my newest boyfriend thinks i need his help with 'dealing with my problems' and he needs to save me.


i just want to starve myself.

i dont see a problem.


did i mention that my best friend went through my stuff and found thinspo all over my computer.


not sure what he thinks about that.

i told him it used to be someone elses computer.

idk if he believed me.


so food updates:

binged thursday.

nothing friday.

nothing today.


oh and theres this huge festival this sunday that im going to with my family.

its probably going to suck so i plan to not eat and go after having some nutmeg.

id rather deal with them high than low.

dont judge me.



well,
hugs, kisses, and diet soda for all of you.





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3