Zombie

okay so i actually have some news.
i dont know if its good or bad or what.

but after my last post i ended up getting strep throat [everyone in my family got so sick we couldnt even make it to a hospital] and i lost major weight.
it was like i went to sleep one day feeling fine, then i wake up a few days later amazed im still alive. i got on the scale thinking id be somewhere around 120 still, but to my astonishment i was 113 lbs. yes, after all this time i had finally made it to 113 lbs and all it took was sitting on deaths door.


well it wasnt how id thought. it wasnt like i got on the scale, then my heart leapt up for joy and everything was great.
my shoulders were thinner, i could see where my boobs were smaller, and i didnt have those annoying bits of side fat.
but when i looked in the mirror there was no thought in my mind other than 'are you happy now?'
i told myself yes i was happy. of course i was happy. how could i not be? after all, i had worked so hard for this and i was so much closer to 105 now.

then i thought again, 'are you really happy?'
and i was tired of lying to myself.

i admitted it.

'no, im not happy.
im hungrier.

but not happier.'


so the truth finally comes out.

but i kept thinking to myself 'what about the clothes?'
oh what about the glorious clothes id fit into.

but then i thought for a minute.


is fitting into smaller sizes going to make me happy?

no.

is getting to buy jeans in an itty bitty size going to make me any better of a person?

probably not.


and i thought to myself 'it must be my mind frame thats messed up because im sick. itll all feel more worth it when im rested'.


but rested never came.

for a few days i felt like shit, regardless of how much water i drank.

i felt thin, yes.

but it didnt feel worth it.



so then after a few days i decided that i was tired of the bullshit.

im tired of hunger headaches.

im tired of not getting to eat so that i can feel better about myself.

im tired of counting and planning and getting on the scale all the fucking time.

im just really tired.


its not worth it. and its not fair. i struggled for such a long time going up and down with weight and where the fuck has it gotten me?

its made me cry, its made me insecure, its made me self conscious, and its turned me into a self obsessed bitch.

where is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

well im telling you now, im pretty sure those leprechauns fucked me over because i didnt get to see the good part of my work.


there was no pay off.




and this whole thing just seems like a gigantic waste of time.



i used to think anorexia was such a glamorous disease. a disease showcased by models and celebrities, and all the people at the los angeles parties that were too busy smoking and drinking to eat.

but its not.


anorexia has done nothing to me but turned me into a shell of a person.

a walking zombie.


i dont enjoy doing anything i used to.


i never dance anymore, i never sing or paint anymore, and im too busy worrying about how much i weigh to start writing the book ive been putting off forever.

i have no personality left.

someone asks me what i like to do or what i do for fun and i have no answer for them.

what do i like to do?

i like to lose weight i geuss.

what do i do for fun?

i dont eat for a few days i geuss.

and behind my eyes is nothing.

my thoughts are usually on a one way track of 'eat less work out more'.

and i geuss im pouring my heart out to all of you because i dont know what to do with myself now.

my whole world was built around this dream and then i realized its all bullshit and my little world went crashing down.


i made the decision i would eat.

i would eat and not care at all what i ate.

i would just eat what i want, when i want and id just let myself be happy.


but its not as easy as youd think.

after obsessing over how much i wanted to eat for all that time, once i got there it wasnt like i thought itd be.


i always thought 'if i got the chance id binge until i die and just consume everything' but it wasnt like that.

after breaking my fast and up until now there hasnt been a moment where ive felt like im binging.

it feels like im restricting.

i keep agonizing over what to eat, how much to eat, and how to eat it.

i keep stressing out about my weight, and waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats.

i keep battling myself thinking 'ill only fast 5 days just to get myself healthy again and then ill start eating.' but then ill wake up and be afraid to fast because if i fast now i know ill never want to stop.



i dont know what to do with myself anymore.


i want to make myself better and just eat food like a normal goddamned human being. but its hard.


a part of myself is screaming 'you were so close how could you let it go how could you let that number slip away from you' and the other half is saying 'just let it go its not worth losing yourself over'.
and im caught in the middle.



i dont know what to do.

but i know theres a decision i need to make.

im either going to go for thin all out this time, no binges involved, or else im going to forget about it and try to find myself again.


become a slave to my eating vs. become a buffalo drowning in fat.


neither sound too good at this point.







starting tomorrow im going to do a brand new 10 day water fast.




and i am probably the biggest hypocrite youll ever know.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3