Family

okay so heres where im at.
i binged yesterday because i was at this family gathering thing [my family is ALWAYS together. its gay.] and my grandma made all this food and everyone kept offering me some and i kept saying i already ate or im allergic or im picky blah blah blah.

but i just ended up eating anyways because i was tired of everyone looking at me like im some insane masochist [which i pretty much am].

something thats bothering me i want to say: i think my little sister knows i dont eat to some extent.

shes only 9 [and acts like shes 5] but every time i tell someone i ate before i came she gets really loud and goes "riiiiighht." then does this really obvious nudge wink think.

wtf is that?

its annoying thats what it is.

i told her not to do that anymore, and my mom even told her it was rude to be saying shit like that in front of family [because lord knows they already think im crazy] but she still does it.

and then something extra wierd thats happening, is that my mom is involved in my ED.

like involved but doesnt know shes involved.

heres an example:

i was eyeing the cookies yesterday around 4 after i had successfully had nothing all day and she goes 'dont even think about it. youre doing too well with your diet to sabatoge yourself'.

so i didnt eat them.

yes, ive convinced her that im on a diet. and shes on one with me. so as my "diet" buddy she keeps me away from food.

a gift from god?
i do believe so.


and to go back to my binge yesterday, i now weigh 126 [kill me now] so im just going to do a quick 3 day fast to fix it.

inside, im spazzing out about how much i weigh, but i know that if i freak out, ill end up eating more and going on another binge.

i havent been going to the gym [i know, i know, im horrible.] and its mainly been because ive been feeling depressed.

my whole family [outside of my mom and sister] act like im some freak from another planet.
they dont like me and they make it pretty obvious.
like when i walk into a room, they stop talking and just stare at me.
they make all these racist white jokes [all of them are latinos/latinas] and then ask me if im going to marry a latino or a white boy.

theyre so close minded.

and its not so much the fact that theyre my family and they dont like me that depresses me.
its the fact that once again, wherever i go, im the one that doesnt quite belong.
in my old group of friends [that dont talk to me anymore because i moved] i was 'the new girl'. everyone else knew each other since first grade or some shit, and theyd always talk about things that i was never in on because i was the new one and i didnt remember 'that one time in 8th grade'.

and its like, i got used to not belonging in my group of friends.
but when its my entire family [not just my immediate family] thats shunning me it really makes me wonder.

i only have things in common with one of my cousins, but the rest i dont understand at all. were all total opposites.

all they know is the small ass town they grew up in, the small ass town they got married in, and the small ass town they have thier kids in whereas ive been all over the states and everytime they ask me why i dont just stay in this [small ass] town and i tell them why should i if theres bigger better things out there, they dont understand.

all they see is the stuff here, and they never look outside this place.


on top of them completely not understanding me, they all think they have the right to tell me what to do with myself.

all i ever hear is "sophia, eat, youre too thin." or "sophia, you need to be more athletic." or "sophia learn to cook, how are you supposed to find a good husband if you dont cook?".

and then when they ask me questions and i answer them honestly,
"sophia, how many kids are you going to have?"
"none, i dont like children. and i dont exactly plan on getting married either."

they act like im stupid for having my own opinions.
"you dont know what youre talking about, you have to get married and your husbands going to want kids."

"i dont need to do anything. im not getting married because i dont want to and im sure as hell not having kids because i dont like them. im pretty sure i can support myself thanks."

they stare at me, they pass glances, i leave the table.


and then of course they have thier opinions about my eating that never ends. they have no problem yelling 'eat something and stop starving yourself." across the table, then laughing about it while passing me the potatoe salad.

no, thank you.

i dont want any more food, it seems ive already had too much.


food, i cant even stand to look at anymore.

i still get hungry, but now its like i dont have that feeling of 'poor me, im so hungry, why dont i have just a little bite'.

now i dont want the food itself because of the uncertainty that comes along with it.

you never REALLY know exactly how many calories are in something.
what if the nutrition label is inaccurate?
or what if they rounded the numbers and measurements?

to me it seems like im just better off not eating at all and just dealing with the hunger than dealing with all that.



im out of things to say.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3