Cancer

okay so you guys are not going to believe this.
in fact, youre all probably going to think that im some insane-in-the-fucking-membrane desperate habitual liar who has no regard for the human life.

but, the story must be told.


so last night i was talking to my male bff about my ex.
ive been having a horrible time letting the issue go, and my bff was giving me great advice.
i had a few drinks, and so in turn was pretty drunk.

my bff was already high when i called him, and so naturally we started laughing and talking about stupid shit.
i was half listening to my ipod when a song came on that me and my ex used to listen to together and so of course i got all pissed off and upset again.

well, im sitting there whining and being uncharacteristically needy for no good reason and my bff says
'im pretty sure youre never going to stop talking about him until you talk TO him. just get all the lose ends tied up and move on.'
and of course i throw a fit and say 'how the hell am i supposed to talk to him? he wont even care and ill just make myself look like a desperate jackass.'
and my bff says 'tell him youre dying and before you get too sick you want to tie up the shit you guys had between you.'
and hes completely serious.
and im completely wasted.

and what do i say?
'thats the best idea ive heard all night.'

NO NO NO.
BAD HORRIBLE TERRIBLE IDEA.
DONT DO IT SOPHIA! DONT DO IT!
JUST LET IT GO AND DONT TALK TO HIM AGAIN!



but no.
instead, i have a few shots and get even MORE wasted, then proceed to tell my ex that i have cancer but the doctors "arent sure yet".

this has to be one of the single stupidest things i have ever done to myself.

of course he calls me and starts crying and making a big deal out of it, saying hes sorry and he never meant to be such a gigantic asshole and he was just hurt and didnt want to ruin things between us anymore than they were so he just left them alone and his current gf is nothing compared to me and he misses me and he loves me and he wants me back and hes going to come over to my house everyday starting tomorrow and blah blah blah.


i feel guilty.
i really do.
but is it horrible if i feel just a little happy that he regrets all the shit hes done to me?



so now of course ive created a terrible problem for myself thats going to be next to impossible to get out of.

i ask my bffs advice and he says:

'just tell him you were joking'.

UM NO.

im pretty sure its gone a little too far to take it back now.

so,
once again i get to find a way out of my problems on my own.


but hey look at it this way, at least im not dying of cancer.





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3