Unfulfilled

okay so the past few days have really been nothing but a succession of drunken stupors and dorm parties.

[it gets boring and repetitive after a few nights.]

im wondering how much damage im really doing to my body with all this.

im doing really bad with my eating.
its not that im going over the calories;
rather im going UNDER the calories and when the goals are set over 200 i start feeling sick when i eat more than those 200.
also,
on my high calorie days, ive been trying to eat foods with more calories so that way i dont have to 'eat as much'.
this was a stupid decision on my part, because now im stuffing my face with 400 calories worth of pizza slices, and brownie frosting.
of course im always very careful to not go over my limit, but im eating terrible food.
and i pretty much feel really horribly guilty about eating all these luxury foods.

im still having a horrible time trying to work out.
i cant stick to a work out plan /time to save my life.
my mind keeps saying 'we'll do it later, we'll do it later,' and then later comes and i still dont wanna do it.

my weight has sky rocketed to exactly the same amount as when i started.
its embarrassing, but its my fault so im going to post it.
[127.0 lbs]
thats what it was this morning, and thats what it was the morning of a few weeks ago.
i hate that number so much.
and i hate my weight more than anything.



to update on the ex problem, its not really a problem anymore.
i heard they were going out to dinner at a place my friend works at so i asked him to watch my exes reaction while i texted the pictures of his gf to him.
my friend said he got up, went outside to make a call [in which time he called me and asked me wtf and i told him yes it was true, and i figured he should know] and then he walked back to the table to sit down and enjoy the rest of his dinner.

WTF?!
according to my friend, he didnt seem to care at all.
i geuss he asked her about it, she confirmed it, and then that was it.

i talked to him the next morning, which was friday [the day i supposedly get my "test results" back for the cancer thing].
he asked if im going to live or die, and i told him im going to be okay, made a big deal about it, and then i told him i have the result sheet if he wants to see it.
thanks to Weighting2Escape, i actually had a fake blood test result sheet. [shes the bestest ever and i owe her forevers for this!]
well he looked at the blood sheet and was like 'holy shit you really did almost have cancer!' and then i pretended to feel bad about him not believing me, then he hugged me and it was like old times.
until his girlfriend called and he said he had to go.

havent talked to him since then, and im not going to.

well unless he talks to me first i guess.
but for some reason i highly doubt thatll happen.

Random Rant Time:

i cant believe he didnt fucking care that she cheated on him! i mean i guess if she was a model or something then i see why he would stay with her even though she fucked up, but shes not! shes a total dog! and her personality is shit too! he used to get pissed when id TALK to a guy, and he doesnt care shes FUCKING THEM?! wtf is wrong with him? hes letting her ruin my life and he doesnt even care! i cant believe i ever believed anything he ever said. god what a douchebag! its not my fault his girlfriend's a total cunt muffin and cant keept her legs shut. why am i the one getting ignored? im so going to go eat chips for this one. and then, geuss what mr. man? im going to go starve myself for a few days! yep thats right. i know you hate it when i do that and thats exactly why im going to do it. and this time im going to do it better than ever. oh and by the fucking way, im going to pawn off your watch and the jewelry you bought me to pay for my boyfriends gas money. SO YOU CAN SUCK MY NON-EXISTENT DICK YOU FARM-ANIMAL-RAPING-BASTARD!





done.

i have contained myself properly enough for me to be able to walk in public without randomly shoving someone into a wall.

i think.

im going to go eat some chips now.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3