i dont know what to do with myself,
i dont know what i want,
and i dont know what to eat.
ive been binging the past few days [surprise surprise] and im way too embarrassed by my weight to post it.
i havent heard from the boy AT ALL lately and its driving me nuts.
im fine if we never talk, but cant i at least GET A NAME?!
every time i bring it up, my friends get irritated [i cant say i blame them] and not a single one of them knows who the hell im talking about. G thinks im making it all up, because shes just a thunder cunt like that, and i dont think i have any other choice but to let it go.
a more pressing matter right now,
is my weight.
i dont want to jinx myself by continuing to call myself fat, and i dont want to jinx myself by saying ive gained massive amounts of weight.
unfortunatley, both of those are true.
i dont want to restrict.
more than that, i CANT restrict.
hell i can fast.
thats not a problem.
but restricting.
thats not going to happen.
i really wish i could, because i know my metabolism is so fucked but to be honest, when i restrict i feel like im stuck in this in between state of things where im eating too much to be thin but not enough to be fat and i dont know what to do with myself and...
ok. slowing down.
point is,
restricting isnt possible in my head and i dont want to try so that i cant fail.
im starting a fast tomorrow.
dont know how much weight ill lose, or if ill lose weight at all but id much rather be hungry and fat then full and fat.
id post more if i knew what the hell was going on in my head.
sadly, i cant find the words to explain the madness.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
*Hugs*
ReplyDeleteA meal plan helps me when I get urges to pig out on junk food. I have my certain breakfast every day, allotted snacks foods, and I make myself eat something low-cal/healthy every 3-4 hours to keep my metabolism cranking. It's working, even if it's not as fast as I want. (Nuts are your friends. Sooo filling!!)
If you see a hatter in the madness, don't drink his scary stoner tea :p
Yay Chrome let me post!! :D
sorry to hear your not feeling too good. I hope u figure things out soon :)
ReplyDeletexx
awww im sorry life is so sucky :(
ReplyDeleteyour friends are just jealous you got the hottie and they didn't :P
good luck with the fasting, and i agree, a strict meal plan really helps me.
:)
I totally know how you feel when you say "I'm eating too much to be thin but not enough to be fat." I totally feel that way, ALL THE TIME.
ReplyDeleteBut I've gotta let you know, you're a MUCH stronger girl then I could hope to be, so hang in there and whatever you're meant to be doing, you'll figure it out soon enough.
Stay strong!
-Laura
I had the same problem. I would either fast or binge; there was no in-between, no restricting. I started ABC to force myself to learn, and I've been doing alright I think! Maybe you could try it out soon? If you never try to restrict, you won't fail at it, but if you don't try you also can't become good at it. Good luck honey.
ReplyDeleteIn reply to your comment: I love being hungry w/ no appetite, too. Such an wonderful, superior, accomplished feeling.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about fasting for comfort, with weight loss being beside the point. It's an anxiety-reducer, no? I hope you get to feeling better. I'm really sorry things are so bleak currently. *bear hug*
ReplyDeleteHa ha, "thunder cunt".
ReplyDeletewhen i restrict i feel like im stuck in this in between state of things where im eating too much to be thin but not enough to be fat
I felt like this yesterday. I'd only eated like 200 calories by dinner time, but I felt like such a fat cow, like I'd eaten a tub of pure lard.
Peri's right though...if you spread the calories out throughout the day, your metabolism keeps up better. You could also try exercising differently - theoretically, you can eat whatever you want as long as you burn it off.
Feel better - you've got us all cheering for you!