Carnaval Miroirs

okay so this is what happened:

my ex and i have been talking for a few years even though we had broken up a long time ago.
hes one of two people that knows about my food problems, and the only person who i trust enough to talk about my family problems with.
we used to talk everyday, and have long late night conversations before bed.
he used to say 'i love you' everyday and we had out own set of personal jokes.

then out of nowhere, this guy i thought i knew so well stops talking to me completely.

we had one last conversation where he basically told me that he didnt plan on talking to me anymore unless he needed something.
i told him i wasnt about to be anybodys side project so he might as well lose my number.

long story short, mr.charm turned into king douchebag.

i go through bouts of caring a lot about this problem, and being frustrated by it, and then not caring at all because hes easily replaceable.

but the memories we have arent.




so i geuss im just going to hope he doesnt decide to go tell everyone i know about all my dirty little secrets that i [stupidly] told him.







yesterday i had exactly 100 calories when i was supposed to have 100 calories, and today is a 200 calorie day.

i think my weight on the scale is shifting, because this morning it said i was 2 lbs lighter, but then again i did drink myself into oblivion last night so it might be dehydration. [im pretty sure the reason i got so plastered was because of the boy problem mentioned above.]

fortunately, i dont count liquid calories since the only thing i drink anyways is water and alcohol.

and i rarely drink alcohol.

oh wait, thats right, im lying when i say that.




finally, after so long, ive found the joy of restricting.
when i was fasting all the time, i really thought it was impossible that i could succeed at restriction, but i think im doing okay so far.
when i was fasting, i really hated the thought of it since i hadnt done it in a while but i look forward to my breakfast, pre-lunch, lunch, pre-dinner, dinner, and after dinner "meals".
it makes me feel better to know that if i feel like im going to break, then food time isnt far away.

ive been timing my eating for every 2-3 hours to try and work up my metabolism.

im pretty sure my metabolism is fucked to shit though since i havent been hungry AT ALL the entire time ive been restricting.
idk if its my appetite thats just not there, or if its my metabolism thats literally destroyed already.

did i mention that ive decided im not any smaller?
i thought my arms were smaller for a bit, but now im starting to think that its just my eyes that are messed up.
like my eye sight is so bad that i see myself as thinner and im really two times the size i see myself as.
all this 'opinion of myself and whether or not im thinner yet' bullshit is tiring.






XOXO Sophia Ruins <3