im here to tell you all about my failures.
my weight has gone no where, and my attempts at fasting keep getting ruined by my lack of self control.
i have no plan, and no idea wtf i should do about my weight anymore.
im tired of being fat, and the only thing ive really learned through all this is that my body is against me, and completely uncooperative.
everyone's always making fucking comments about what i eat, and they dont get that it cuts deep.
they say shit like 'oh youre thin, you dont need to worry about what you eat anyways' to try and make me feel better, but it just makes me feel worse because i know that theyre just lying to get on my good side.
theyre fucking lying because no one wants to say 'soph, youre a pig'.
theres really no way to describe my state of mind other than SICK.
i feel sick, i dont want to eat anymore, my body makes me sick, i cant control myself, the lack of control makes me sick, and all i wanted was to be thin.
restricting got my weight no where.
fasting isnt happening.
im starving myself to gain weight.
i wanna get better, i wanna stay sick, i wanna be thin, i wanna be thin.
the lead singer of silverchair came up in conversation the other night.
so did his eating disorder.
for a second i felt proud; until i realized that im not in that category.
i am not the starving artist, i am not the ethereal hungry creature, and i am not the creative genius too logical for food.
i am fat
i am fat
i am fat
i am fucking average and gigantic.
now what the fuck am i supposed to do about it?
exercise - fail
stop eating - fail
diet - fail
fail fucking fail.
im worse off than when i started all this shit a year ago.
my ex would know what to do.
but hes not here.
i have to learn to deal with my shit without him around.
to think that i could be so dependent on someone makes me sick.
tonight isnt a good night for me.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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It's strange how much of what you said I can relate to absolutely, almost word for word. I feel like I'm this huge average person that doesn't deserve to be in the category of anorexic, and I want to be not sick but I want to be thin more and I have horrible self-control. My ex was this huge part of my life and it's hard figuring out how to deal with things without him. People say the same things to me about eating but I just want to say, don't you see? I'm fat.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answers, but at least you know other people are going through the same thing and everyone is here for you.
xo
its a hard situations but what do you want more?
ReplyDeleteHappiness or Thin?!
x
I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I still want to be sick because I feel like I'm sick but it's not making me thin anymore. And everyone tells me that I'm fine just the way I am but how the fuck is that possible?
Bah. And my sister always loved Silverchair and I basically grew up with them, and we have a poster that's for the "Ana's Song" single. Which is funny.
I just finished writing you a story-book-length-comment and deleted it all.
ReplyDeleteAll I gotta say is that the dark makes the light shine brighter. I'll throw you my two favorite quotes:
"Knowledge of poisons is essential. I've told you already, no one becomes an artist unless they have to." - Janet Finch in "White Oleander". You are an artist. And you have to suffer in order to understand that.
"This my excavation / Today is Qumran" - Bon Iver in "Re:Stacks". Qumran was the excavation site of the Dead Sea Scrolls that changed the way we look at history and religion. I don't know if you're religious (I'm not) but the quote basically says that everything that happens to you, changes you no matter what. How it changes you is up to you to decide.
They're two quotes I live by. Bad things HAVE to happen and I can choose whether to have my cry, lift my head up, and carry on, or to linger on it.
I know you're going through a tough time, but if you can come to accept that you will come out stronger in the end, you can tough it out.
I know you can :)
xoxo
I'm sorry you feel like this,
ReplyDeleteI really hope you feel better soon, and don't drag yourself down, slowly work your way back, don't rush into it,
again, I'm sorry, you don't deserve to feel this way, I hope you feel better soon x
You'll do better! I know you will becuase your strong! And once you feel better you'll see all the good in you that we all see!! <33
ReplyDeleteI feel for you girl, just remember that you're strong and if anyone can figure this all out, it's you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I just love people's comments. "Oh you lost so much weight you look so good. Don't lose anymore." Yeah ok, and I'm totally going to listen to you right? They can't see what we see. They don't know what we know. They live in their little world where food rules their lives. But we can't and we wont let it rule us, ok? Don't give up. I know it gets hard and we all fall down sometimes, but don't give up. Trust me, you have know idea how strong you are until the real test comes. You can do this. I have faith in you.
ReplyDelete