4 Day Missing Report

woo alright so my metabolism is working again.

i know ive been gone the past four days, and ill thoroughly explain why later in the post.

so after my last post, i spiraled down into the deep dark deaths of despair and binging [and all that good stuff], and managed to get my weight all the way up to 130.0 lbs again.

yes.
horrible right?
okay well for two days i binged, and my weight stayed at 130 lbs.
i was doing pretty bad, and i was drinking too much, and my friends were all pretty much fed up with me so i just kept eating and eating.

then,

on the morning of the 8th, i decided i was done being fat and all that bullshit, and i started resricting again, and my weight dropped immediatley to 125.4.
if i remember right, thats basically where i was at before.
major score.
then i went dress shopping with mommy dearest and found that i am a size 6 in dresses still [i thought by now id be a size 1000] and that was another good thing though id much rather be a size 2.

unfortunatley, my friends all pretty much hate me still because theyre all fake as fuck, but the good side to that is that im moving again. or at least i think i am.

well im hoping i am.
fuck i dont wanna stay in this state.
or this house.
or this city.
with these people.
who SUCK. ASS.


so anyways,
lately ive been thinking in a more 'when-im-thin-in-a-few-weeks' mind-frame than a 'im-never-going-to-get-thin-and-im-going-to-be-this-fat-for-years' mind-frame.



also, my mom is officially trying to convince herself, that im not starving myself, im just trying to be healthier.

last night at dinner, my mom made a comment that she thinks "its great youve cut out processed foods, dairy, starches and meat so youre healthier. i think we should all try to get healthier like youre doing."

and my stepdad goes "right. shes trying to get healthier by cutting food out completely. i hear it does wonders for your liver". i loved the sarcasm that went with that too btw.

i laughed and stared longingly at the sushi, and continued nibbling at my chicken and shrimp caribbean salad that i took the chicken, shrimp, and caribbean out of. [which left me a cup of romaine lettuce aka an 11 calorie wonder.]

later at dinner, i declared im offiially a vegetarian because 'i just feel so bad for those poor baby animals being slaughtered when we can all live off vegetables perfectly fine' and they completely ate up that bullshit story.

idgaf about baby animals.
they taste good.

even though i really dont like chicken anymore since ive been fed it for dinner practically all my life. same with pork. pretty much the only meat i like is steak and fish.

im also telling my friends im allergic to fish now, because whenever we go out to eat we usually go to get seafood.

its the perfect excuse since theyve never seen me eat fish, and i can just say that im sensitive about never being able to taste something everyone says is incredible.




so to explain why i havent been posting:

ive been in and out of hotel after hotel running from my insane stepdad that my stupid fucking mother went back to anyways yesterday. [dont worry, i raised hell about it and made damn sure he knew we were talking about him].

ive also been spending the few hours at home i have to pack / unpack / pack again.

an oddity in behavior ive noticed that i think is related to that, is that yesterday when i was sitting in the car driving home i had the strongest urge to start screaming and hitting things / people.

it was really an unprovoked urge, since i was just kind of sitting there, and the car was quiet and no one had said or done anything offensive to me.





so i got on the scale like 2 seconds ago, and it ticked 124.4 for like 4 seconds, then switched up to 125.0

OMG IM SO CLOSE.

so close but so far away.

just 5 more lbs.

if i behave i can make it to 120 in two days. [assuming i lose 2.5 lbs these next two days]
okay my goal is to be 120 lbs by this thursday.


okay something i want to throw out there is this thing i heard about music being able to raise your metabolism just by listening to it, even if youre completely still.

apparently, it supposed to be that if you make a habit of dancing or exercising when listening to a certain song, your metabolism heightens, and everytime you hear it, because of habit, your bodys metabolism heightens in preparation for the dance or exercise it thinks is coming.

bullshit?

i think it probably is.

im going to go dance. i really hate working out, so i think ill just be dancing from now on instead



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3