Selfish Sophia

okay so last time i posted, i was at 124lbs.

this morning i woke up, and i weighed 120.0 lbs.
it hasnt changed at all, even when i drink so i know its not just dehydration. im so excited and i feel actually proud of myself.

i KNOW that im going to be under 120 by the time i leave for vacation.

im so determined to get lower that no amount of hunger pains, headaches, or dizziness can stop me.

but im also afraid of jinxing myself or anything, and im kind of afraid that tomorrow my weight will plateau at 120 or something.

im about to go exercise so that i can at least feel like im doing all i can to lose weight.

i cant believe those last 5 lbs that would NOT come off left so quickly.

it only took me two days to lose 5 lbs [since before i fasted i weighed 125.4 and i now weigh 120.1]

and the third day isnt even over yet.

im excited to see what im going to weigh tomorrow since the lowest i expected to go was 120 lbs.




okay so im really excited about my weight but the reason im not ecstatic is because i found out some really bad news about my grandma.

she had a heart attack a few years ago and told us everything was fine and that her health is back and she feels alright now.

well according to the rest of the family and the doctors shes not alright.

they said she could have a stroke at any minute, her blood is extremely thinned, her cholesterol is through the roof, her blood pressure is extremely high, and her heart is about to basically stop functioning.


with all this happening to me grandmother the only thing i can think about is how much im going to weigh tomorrow.


sometimes my selfishness disgusts me.


i love my grandmother to death, and i dont want her to die, but i know that i cant go crying my eyes out and be all upset.

i have to be strong for my mom, and the rest of the family because if i dont, who will?

i dont want anything to happen to her, but i know that theres nothing i can do about the situation except try to help her and know that whats meant to happen will happen.

i have this awful feeling that shes going to die when were out there and i hate it.
i had this feeling right before my dad died.
its this awful mixture of dread and sorrow sitting at the pit of my stomach weighing me down more than any amount of food could.
its the feeling that i just KNOW somethings going to happen soon. something thats going to change things forever.


but theres not a damn thing i can do about it.

people die.

its what they do.

i cant go having a fit every time someone dies.

i cant freak out like i did when my dad died.

i have to grow up and face it.


just face the fact that family members die, and i have to be ready to pick up the pieces and move on again.



"though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..." (Psalm 23:4)





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3