The Rabbit

125.4

still.

because i have developed this horrible habit of snacking but being afraid of eating real food.

half a bite of celery here
corner of a cracker there
and it really starts to add up.

today ive had 88 calories, and i feel like a total loser-failure.

on good days 88 can be an accomplishment, and on bad days, its an embarrassment.



the only good thing that came from today, was that we now have a pool thats fairly large, so i spent an hour doing laps and had worked up a ginormous appetite by the time i got out.

ive been thinking that when my stomach burns or grumbles, it means my metabolism is working and therefore means future weight loss, and so every time i feel hunger, as a result i feel good and accomplished.

look at the pre-psychiatrists mind work.


so tonight at dinner my mom talked about how i eat like a rabbit and therefore have been nicknamed The Rabbit.
then i got to spend the remainder of dinner and a two hour long movie being referred to as rabbit.
lovely eh?

then when we were in the bathroom i was looking at my self pretending to be adjusting my shorts but really examining the fat to bone ratio of my body and my mom says "jeez you're tiny. youve really lost some weight havent you?"

and for a second i thought "maybe i have lost weight. maybe in smaller. just maybe." but then i remembered i still weigh 125 which equals fat. then paranoid thoughts flood my mind and i keep thinking 'shes trying to sabotage me, shes lying to me so that ill eat isnt she? i know shes lying. why wont she just tell me im fucking disgusting like we both know i am?'.

follow the white rabbit Neo. down, farther into the rabbit hole.



so someone in my family made a new friend whos older than me. [people come and go often in our house and circle of people so its never a big deal]. this woman is thin as a bone, and not at all pretty. but her thin makes up for it. shes tiny as a dancer, and looks always cold. her elbows look like sharp little pricks of skin color against the canvas of her shirts.
she seems naturally afraid, as if she cant relax at all. shes stunning in a not-pretty-but-haunting way. in the way that only someone that thin could be.
strangest thing about this woman, is her name is ana.

this is 1000% honest to god true. her name really is ana, and she really is thinspirationally thin.

i could be like her.

i could be small and thin and beautiful.

if there was one thing i could have in my fucked up little world that seems to rotate the wrong way, it would be this one thing.

this one burning desire to be frail and light.
to get to proudly wear the badge of being cold all the time,
and to have the scale smile up at me when i get on.


if i could just push myself to make this one little dream come true, then maybe everything would be alright.


maybe the world would spin the right way again, even if only for a little while.







XOXO Sophia Ruins <3