Annoyance

i really dont even know what to write about today.

usually ive got a billion things running through my mind that i feel the need to expand on, but today my mind is like an empty parking lot.
no cars, no stories.


let me think.


well, i feel like a failure.
but i always feel like that so...


theres this big party thing going on this weekend my parents are hosting and unlike other parties, this one is going to have people i need to impress.
but i probably wont manage that since im fat, and i plan on drinking.

this morning i weighed 125.4 and the reason behind my lack of weight change was because last night after i went to bed, i woke up to go eat a piece of bread, a spoonful of yogurt, 3 crackers, and 2 fries.

is that even a binge?
a mini-binge?
a mini-fuck up?
no.
all binges are fuck ups.
and fuck ups are not mini.


so this morning there was really no change in weight, and i remembered that i had over 30 assignments due today so all i did all day was stress out, scramble to finish work, and take hour long swim breaks where my breakfast, lunch, and snack breaks used to be.

but unfortunately for me, all that swimming probably didnt do me any good since when i came back in i had boiled lettuce [there was no cabbage so i substituted] then felt full, looked at my stomach, felt ugly and round, got on the scale, saw my weight go up a pound, got upset, and had half a poached egg which basically ruined my caloric intake for today.
it WAS at 55.
then that became 90.
then i had a piece of bread, and half a cup of cereal.

now its probably at 12 billion.

i dont even want to know.


i realize that a pound is not a big deal AT ALL since my weight goes up a pound everytime i drink half a diet coke.

im basically sabotaging myself.

i know my weights not going to go down tomorrow either.

exercising seems pointless since for some reason it seems like i lose the same amount of weight when im not exercising.

which is nothing btw.

this is really pissing me off.

i keep fucking up, and my weight just stays the same.

im starting to wonder if food from the past can come back to make me fat.

like if last tuesdays food can be causing me to maintain today.


i keep making up stupid reasons for me to not be losing weight when i know that the real reason is because im eating like a baby beluga whale 24/7.


so.
now, at 10:30 at night, i get to go finish working on my school work.
to turn in something thats already late and more than likely wont get counted for grading.

and honestly, i feel so annoyed and helpless, that if i wasnt such a hardass with myself all the time then id probably break down and cry right now.