Down the Rabbit Hole

okay so fuck 127.4 lbs im at 125.2 lbs
yes.
yes.
yes.
125 lbs.

sorry i havent been posting lately, but i HAVE been behaving.

60 calories everyday, and some form of exercise for at least 30 mins.
the reason its been short exercise is because ive been EXTREMELY sick the past two days.
the day before that, i was packing.

let me explain:

parents got into a big fight (boom) someone threw something at someones face (crash) someone started bleeding all over the place while i laughed it up in my room (lol) and my mom screamed the fateful words that she always fucking says: "pack your shit were leaving "FOR REAL THIS TIME""

OMG =O
NOT "FOR REAL"!
WERE SERIOUSLY LEAVING?!
THIS ISNT LIKE THE TWO MILLION OTHER TIMES YOUVE SAID IT WHERE WEVE PACKED THEN DECIDED TO STAY AT THE LAST MINUTE?!
OH GOLLY GOSH I GEUSS ID BETTER GET STARTED WASTING MY TIME PACKING AGAIN.



so, i pack.
and i mean, take apart my computer, my desk, my drawers, all my clothes, my room is empty now kind of pack.

if it were my choice, i wouldnt pack shit.
but i know that if i dont do what 'mommy dearest' says, then its more than likely well end up leaving.

everytime i DONT pack, we end up leaving.
everytime i DO pack, we stay.

topsy turvy oh joy.

so, me my sis and my mom are all done packing our things and we go to sit outside and discuss the plan.
[theres always gotta be a plan right?]
and the plan was, go to california.

fin.

thats it.

that was the great plan.

just go to fucking california.

because according to my mom, we dont need to worry about money, or food, or clothes, or my school, or wtf were going to DO in california.

even though the world doesnt work like that, if you say one thing about it to her she explodes.

so i get frustrated with "the plan" and go to bed. i wake up 4 hours later, walk outside to find my mom, and blackout on the porch.

just. fucking. lovely.

wake up idk how long later on the couch with my mom and my stepdad and my sister standing around me running around getting wet towels and pretending i matter. first thing my mom says is:
"you cant just stop eating! look what youre doing to yourself! you NEED to EAT something."

the words roll off me.
i dont really care.
i stand up to walk to the bathroom, and it seems like our house has been placed in the middle of an ocean because the room is rocking back and forth. i stumble towards the bathroom, look in the mirror, and my lips are the same color as my face.
pure snow white.
the edges of my vision keep fading in and out, and i walk towards the scale. look at the number, see ive lost a pound, then get off.
tell myself 'im not thin enough for my eating to be affecting my health, so i must be sick'
and the second i think that, i start uncontrollably throwing up.

then after i get up off the floor, and my parents run to get me medicine, i get back on the scale.
another pound lost.
just like magic.

for some reason i kept thinking my name was alice from alice in wonderland and i had to find something quick before the rabbit with the stopwatch came back.



after i lay back down on the couch, things start getting really wierd.
parts of my face go numb and tingly.
my hands both go numb.
then my feet go numb.
and it feels really, really, hot.
so hot that i was yelling about how hot it was.
i was sweating buckets, and my mom kept trying to cover me up, saying 'oh god you feel cold as death'.
peoples voices sound far away from me like theyre down a hall.

and that was it.

did they bother to take me to a hospital?
nope.

they gave me a twix and a pepsi saying 'maybe her blood sugar is low'.

you know, im starting to think if i died, theyd just look at my dead body and say 'she must be really tired to have slept for the past 3 months straight and not have moved and inch. what a heavy sleeper. by the way hun, why does it smell so horrid in here?'




so the past two days ive been in bed with a horrible headache knowing that im late on all my school work and i have currently 19 assignments that need to be finished and completed by... lets see... YESTERDAY.

oh and on top of that, were not moving!

surprise surprise!

never would have guessed wed end up staying here, huh?

so i get to spend today not doing my work, but unpacking everything i need to use on a daily basis.
[it would be stupid to unpack everything else because ill just have to repack it all next week when my mom says were moving again]

ugh.
stress
stress
stress.

i am hungry.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3