Obsession

okay so today i woke up and was 120.4.

ive felt like total shit all day long.

my head hurts.

ive been nauseous for the past two days.

i cant even make it to the mail box without working up a cold sweat.

i feel like utter shit.


but as long as my weights down, right?
right now, its not feeling worth it.

i cant stop obsessing about food.

and not the kind of obsessing i do normally with food.

i mean i cant stop thinking about the crumbs under my bed, how many calories are in those chicken bones by the trash, how badly i want those oreos.

i want them, but i cant eat them.

even if they had 0 calories in them.

i couldnt eat them.


i was afraid to chew ice today for fear id gain weight from "eating" it.


im dreading the day i get off the fast.

what will i eat?

what if i eat too much?

any amount of food will make me gain weight.
i KNOW it will.

the second i have that first slice of grapefruit, i know ill be 127 again.

im so terrified of it but i cant stop thinking about it.

i want it so bad.

food food food.

to eat.

to chew.

the sickening motions of teeth scraping and jaws grinding.

i dont want any part of it.

but i remain so fascinated by it.

get me out of this hellish place where my thoughts go around in circles like some fucked up little carousel.

in place of ponies and lions, there are pizza slices and cookies with steaks shoved through the middle of them.

they scream 'get on, take a spin, but remember eating will be the most pain you ever feel.'

and im stuck in between the middle.

wanting the torment of starving and wanting the worse torment of eating.


but no.

i wont eat.

ill hold my head up high.

no fuck ups this time around.

because if ive got nothing left in the world, at least ill have the satisfaction that only thin can bring.

and i wont give up today, because if i do, then tomorrow there will be hell to pay.

i wont be broken.

i cant be broken.


but only because you cant break something, if its already been broken for so long.








XOXO Sophia Ruins <3