Cobalt

"You're fucking gorgeous.. like, you could do modeling. not runway though, you're body isnt right for that.


Glare at the guy, awkward silence.

"Care to elaborate?" I say in that usual fucking tone I use when I get pissy. Sip drink, raise eyebrows.


"Oh no, I just meant like..." Glare. Glare. Glare. "like you have tits. And an ass. Like you look like a real chick, not some stick thin super model."

I stand up so quick I tip the chair I was sitting in. I walk as fast as I possibly can to the bathroom. I dont care if im being rude.I throw up the martini I drank. Loudly.
God only fucking knows how many calories were in that.




I can hear my ex boyfriend talking to the boy who said that shit.
They're in the kitchen which is connected to the bathroom. I can't fucking breathe.
Feels like an anxiety attack on top of a seizure after an aneurysm.

Run cold water in the sink. Wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands.

My fucking chest hurts.


I wonder if you guys would ever find out if I died.



"She has a fucking eating disorder you god damn idiot" the ex screams. Upon hearing this I rush to press my ear against the door.
I dont even think he remembers where I'm at. Why does he fucking know about this?



"DUDE. Im sorry man, I had no fucking idea." stranger says, sounding genuinely sorry.

"You better watch the shit you say, man." ex says. He sounds like hes about to punch stranger boy in the face.

I hope he fucking kills him tonight.


I have lost interest in this conversation.
I drink water from the sink, and throw it up just to be throwing up.

"Seriously, I didnt mean anything by it I was just trying to tell her shes really pretty..."


Mumble mumble mumble.

"Oh back the fuck off" stranger says unevenly.

Mumble mumble mumble

"You better fucking watch yourself kid. Sounds like somebody cant hold their FUCKING ALCOHOL."
Ex sounds angry.

Good. I hope hes fucking angry.

Is this my fault? It feels like my fault. The inside of my nose stings from stomach acid.


Glass breaking, K screams "WATCH THE MIRROR, DAMMIT I CANT PAY TO REPLACE THIS AGAIN, CHRIST, TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, SERIOUSLY, NOT IN THE HOUSE GUYS.... GOD DAMMIT WHAT DID I JUST SAY!"

stranger screams "YEAH WELL FUCK YOU"

Door slams.



They know. They know. They know.


I think about Brittany Murphy, who died in a bathroom.

I sit down on the tile floor.

I text my best friend and hope to god hes still awake.


"plz b awake. I need to tlk its importnt."


He texts back "what."


I tell him to forget it.
Whats the fucking point?

I pull myself together.
Im making nothing into something again.
Im too drunk.
Im just hungry.
Im just tired.
Im just stressed.
Im just depressed.

I refuse to have a panic attack.


I walk out of the bathroom, and my ex looks at me weird.

"holy fucking shit..." he says so quiet I almost dont hear.


"what". I spit the words too angrily. He was sticking up for me. Why am I such an asshole?


K is standing there looking at me funny too.


I feel dizzy. Its alright, I always feel like this, im probably just tired.

The ground is rushing up, and I have no fucking idea whats going on.

I hear yelling, and thats it.








After that, I remember waking up to see my ex standing over me asking me if I needed to go to a hospital. I remember trying to speak words but nothing but stupid fucking sounds came out.

First black out of 2010. Oh goody.

I was aware of the fact that I was making an ass out of myself.


I asked my ex to drive me home.




On the way back, I looked in the mirror and it hit me why they were looking at me like that.
My lips were blue.
My tongue was a deep black from eating nothing but pepto bismol tablets all day long.
My cheeks looked bruised.

And in that moment I was so fucking proud.




I entered this year at 120.0 lbs. No idea how I did it, but kudos to me.



The second I got home I binged on pizza and fell asleep listening to Ana's Song on repeat.

Now I am awake at 6:18 in the morning because I can't fucking sleep.


I am fucking happy.





XOXO Sophia Ruins <3