not too happy about it but im trying hard not to dwell on it.
today so far ive had an apple [72 cals] and im extremely tempted to stop eating for the rest of today and just go with the 72 for the day.
but i read vogue today and although it made me want to drown myself in a puddle when i saw how thin it was, i remembered that most editorial models are 5'10 / 5'11.
and im still 5'6 plus a couple centimeters.
if i stop eating and go bcak now, ill be 5'6 and a couple centimeters for the rest of my life and i dont think i could handle living with shattered dreams for the rest of my life because i couldnt make myself eat.
sometime i just want to scream.
i couldnt stop eating when i wanted to stop.
and now that i have to, i cant.
oh and i was thinking about poor ruslana korshunova today...
it was rlly sad... she was so tall and thin and so gorgeous.. i wonder why she killed herself.
god i miss ana.
the bones,
the cleanliness,
the emptiness,
the scale,
the calories,
reading labels,
the obsessiveness,
i love all of it.
i miss it.
it was so much better than now.
i was selfish, thinking that eating like an animal would make me happy.
well it hasnt.
its made me nothing but unhappy.
i want to go back but i cant.
i will,
but not now.
ughh.
i dont actually think ive been eating enough to call it healthy yet. but i think im getting there.
my geuss of how much ive been eating is probably around 900 cals at most.
on good days.
on bad days i have a tendency to ignore food altogether and just pretend like i dont notice im hungry.
like i forgot.
OMFG RANDOM THINSPO!
ok bye =]
I know its hard but you're doing really well! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteAlso it might be worth sending some photos into various agencies and asking if they would potentially take you on when you are older and taller? might be the incentive you need...