Okay so, yesterday I decided to break my fast since I was scary-close to binging and I couldnt for the life of my decide what to eat. I made 1/4th of a cup of mashed potatoes, had a spoonful then didnt want anymore.
I made 1/4th of a cup of oatmeal, ate a spoonful and didn't want anymore.
Then I didnt eat for the rest of the day and then at night ate a piece of pie and felt so guilty I locked myself in my room listening to Ave Maria and painted 6 pictures all in shades of blue and black.
I can be so dramatic sometimes it's not even funny.
[Now I understand why my parents dont take me seriously.]
Anyways, I got up this morning and didn't even plan on getting on the scale then decided that if I was going to eat like a pig, then I would face the numbers I created for myself.
Got on the scale,
And im 121 lbs.
WHAAAAT??
Yes. 121 lbs.
So I decided that im going to fast for three days, eat a day, fast for three days, eat a day, and continue in that glorious fashion.
Oh, something weird i've been meaning to write about. But im not really sure I should write about it.
Hm.
Okay, well for some reason, I keep getting the urge to.. cut myself.
Now ill have you all know that I don't have a history of cutting, nor have I ever cut before.
But its just like at random times, even if I dont feel anything at all, I just get this strong urge to start scratching myself, or cutting myself with something.
Idk.
I dont WANT to cut myself. I dont really see a point in that. But its like there this underlying current of myself that wants to so bad.
I have NO idea where this is coming from.
Any advice??
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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Hey Sophia,
ReplyDeleteI think when life's ups & downs become so overbearing it's hard to breathe, a person starts to crave a rush, a release, a break from it all. Pain is one way, a little masochistic though. I think it's a normal reaction, I went down this road before.
I wouldn't do it hun, if you are only thinking about it than you are a step ahead! There are other ways: paint. lol I loved when you mentioned the painting/being dramatic thing...It cracked me up!
Stay strong! xo
121!!!! GO SOPHIA! WOW, you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteI have been getting that urge lately too... I used to cut myself a lot in middle school (I am so fucking old, haha), but that seems so long ago.
Please don't though, it is so hard to break. And the scars are nasty reminders of how fucked up you were/are. I still have them, and that was almost 10 years ago (again, I am old, haha). NONE of my friends now know, and it's a tedious cross to bear. You think hiding the fact that you're restricting is hard? Try covering up slash marks. I'm sorry that I'm sounding really self-righteous right now, and kind of bitchy, but resist the urge!
Just think of how much control you have over your body - do you really want to do that to yourself?
I'm sorry, I'm done now. I just don't want you to hurt yourself... literally, haha.
Seriously though, 121? You kick so much ass, it's not even funny. Woohoo!
omg, GOOD JOB! 121 is an awesome number(i just reached it myself today too) you are so strong it never ceases to amaze me. i think we all just need to find what works for our bodies. not everyone loses weight the same way. i know that if i was still eating 200 cals a day i probably wouldnt be anywhere near my goal now because i would have binged.
ReplyDeletei wish i could help with the cutting thing but i never really went through that. im too much of a wuss, i pass out when i see too much blood. the only thing i can think of is to just try and stay busy when you feel those urges. read a book, or paint, or go for a walk.
your too beautiful to be covered in scars. :)
stay strong, your doing so great.
meg
It's so so so so weird that you mention the thing about cutting. Because I've been feeling exactly. the same way.
ReplyDeleteI've never done it before. I mean, I've been depressed, but I've never gotten to that point. But recently I want to either punish myself or just feel something instead of feeling angry at myself. It's the most ridiculous thing, and I'm seriously confused! Let me know if you find anything out about it :) I'm here for you!
xo
Victoria
121! your doing good!
ReplyDeletethe cutting -admittedly I have only done it once, I got so angry and upset and down and I just did it.
And I regret it, I really do.
trying to hide the scar was, and is a nightmare.
and it's not worth hurting yourself like that because of how you feel, even though you may crave it.
try to channel your thoughts into something else, like the paintings you were talking about!
x
Indesiciveness, impulsiveness and desire for self-injury are kind of symptoms of personality disorders.
ReplyDeleteCutting gets feelings out of your heart and spilling down your thighs. Or arms.
I do sometimes. I really don't have the urge to say don't do it, oh no, it's bad, it's the devil...just, don't go crazy with it. it's crazy in the first place, though.
Think about it. Why would you want to make yourself bleed? Tangible evidence you're actually destroying yourself? A quick rush?
Can you get that rush in a healthier way?
you can explore this desire, ignore it or give in.
Gah, this comment was unorganized shit landing on your pretty little blog. Happy days, then.
Okay maybe this is horrible, but Im going to say it...
ReplyDeleteI believe that when you're unsure, sometimes you should just try it. You'll know whether or not this is Who You Are.
People who see this are going to be pissed, but you're the one making the decision, I'm just another voice in your ear.
i understand your thoughts on this. ive had the same urges to cut or hurt myself. ive done it a few times. ive never done huge cuts or anything, just a tiny bit, just to get that release.
ReplyDeletebut i feel shameful and embarrassed afterwatds. it's stupid. it feels awesome for a minute or two, and then, it honestly doesn't help enough long term to be worth it. and i feel like crap once it's over. worse than before i did it. because i have very visible proof of how screwed up i am sometimes.
there are so many other ways to get that feeling. your painting sounds like a great way to let out emotions. i like to let myself 'cool down' before i seriously consider hurting myself.
stay strong, ok?
happy christmas.