If rants annoy the shit out of you, dont read this:
Im at that point again, where im in a shitty mood and everything seems extremely pointless.
I really honestly wish I would've never used food as an outlet for control.
Big.
Fucking.
Mistake.
Also, I got on the scale this morning which was also a gigantic mistake. Im not even going to bother posting my number. It makes me literally feel like throwing up.
Im just so frusrated!
It seems like my metabolism is so fucked up that at this point i cant do anything without gaining weight.
And it doesnt help that I wont get off my ass and workout.
I dont want to dance; im depressed.
I dont want to walk; the ankle i broke [4 times] gets too swollen.
i dont want to do sit ups; it hurts my back.
Im so full of fucking excuses.
Christ i annoy the shit out of myself. [if that even makes any sense.]
I never follow through with anything enough to see if ill get any long term results.
All my life, Ive been really thin [naturally] so everyone from my past expects me to be a twig but im a fat fucking cow.
Also because im SUPPOSED to be thin, I gain weight in really odd fucking places.
Compared to the rest of my body, my legs are small [but long], my arms are small[-ISH] and hips expand massively. MASSIVELY. THEYRE FUCKING GIGANTIC ITS DISGUSTING.
And then on top of that my stomach is fat and bloated all the fucking time so i look like a half retarded Ethiopian child.
GOD DAMMIT.
I was so thin, right up until my dad died and my life went to shit.
Then I just HAD to fuck around with eating and now look where im at.
[there i go with the excuses again. "my dad died so i threw up a lot and now i starve myself and it messed up my metabolism so im fat BOO FUCKING HOOO"
]
Im a fucking whale.
I feel so shitty about myself I dont even want to binge.
Which is weird since thats usually what I resort back to.
Always with the fucking food.
Hey dont expect me to try to keep up this fast today.
We all know how that goes.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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hey, your dad passing away isnt an excuse. its a reason and a damn good one if you ask me. i dont blame you for getting depressed and eating. you needed comfort in a hard time and lets face it, food is always there for us whether we want it or not.
ReplyDeletei dont exercise either,i have really bad arthritis so i cant really walk too far or run that fast because my knee's turn into melons. its not sexy...
what i do is i clean house. i know it doesnt sound like it would burn anything but if you get onto http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc and type in everything you've done in a day or want to do you can see how much each thing burns. stretching for instance burns like 111 cals if i did it for half an hour. all of this depends on your weight so the more you weigh the more you burn. which always makes me feel better when i gain some weight. dont be too hard on yourself , if your metabolism is screwed then maybe look up some stuff on the internet to see if anything can help. the internet has everything. you've been doing so good so please dont give up hope.
and dont feel bad about the rant. i had one on my blog too.
hang in there.
meg
*hugs* ---@@@** (that last one's a sparkler...)
It's so very difficult for me to comment right now on your post because there's such a small amount of things to say...I could say:
ReplyDelete1. "Nooooo, you're not a whale, you're beautiful no matter what you weigh." Which although this might be true in some alternative universe, it's not in my world, probably not in yours either.
2. "I've so been there, you'll find a way out soon." Which of course, I have been there, but frankly when people tell me this on my blog I get pissed....who are you to say that you feel what I feel? Soooo I'm not going to pull that one on you.
3. "You can fast, exercise, focus, speak magic incantations, close your eyes and pat your head, etc." But, quite honestly I'm just as fucked up when it comes to the whole binging, but not wanting to, but wanting to...but not wanting to thing, so I'm pretty sure there's not many 'magic incantations' I can give you.
So. If I can't give you anything inspirational maybe I'll just...fuck you up a bit more (and hope for results in the form of weight loss...or just fuck you up more which would be sad). You should binge. You should eat carbs, chocolate, cake, ice cream, sandwiches with mayonnaise spooned on top, shove butter down your throat. Eat until you're involuntarily throwing up just because the amount of food inside you, makes you so sick. Try to get that whore of a binger out of your system and after you're disgusted with yourself enough, sit back and go into overdrive. It works for me because when I get that way...there's nothing that can stop me from fasting for a long time to take away that belly. It could just be me though...and this could just be another pointless comment. But hey! It's the thought that counts and I think you're a great person...even if you imagine yourself as a whale =)
It sounds like you're having second thoughts about stepping through the looking glass. Maybe that's a good thing. Well, I suppose by normal standards it definitely is, but giving up on ana is something I couldn't do right now and I certainly don't want to. I am in love with my ED. But that's me.
ReplyDeleteObviously, the logical thing for you to do would be to just eat healthy and work out. I believe I feel the same way you do towards that idea. I read your reasons for not exercising, and I have my own list of excuses as well. I'm not comfortable going to a gym and it's hard to find the motivation to work out at home and to even knowing what to do.
This may sound laughable, but I bought the Wii Fit Plus and it is one of the smartest purchases I've ever made. It actually works you out. It has me on the floor in all sorts of crazy positions. It has fun games too. It tracks your weight/bmi so it gives you that drive to do well because you know you'll have to face those numbers on your tv screen. It was well worth the splurge.
I've never seen you, so I can't give you that reassurance that you aren't a whale, but with the dedication to your body that I've read, I highly doubt people see you that way.
I hope you feel better tomorrow.
not going to lie, your metabolism probably IS a little fucked up, but you had to of seen it coming, right? try, just TRY to eat a consistant amount of calories at consistant times for one week, just ONE WEEK, thats all! and that will make it more normal. have a cup of juice in the morning, or granola bar or something, salad at like 1, soup at like 5, everyday. you body will totally adjust, and its not like thats a lotta calories at ALL!! so dont worry about gaining because youll lose weight :) and obviously we all know its easier said than done (nooo shit) but try your best, for your body's sake =]
ReplyDeleteand if youre going to eat, stick with stuff like this:
popcorn (low cal of COURSE)
salad
broccali, cucumbers & salt or low cal dressing
oranges (great because they take a while to peel)
spinach
...well, basically any green veggie
and def flavored water!! yummm drink lots of that and youll feel way fuckin full. and COFFEE. it takes a while to make, then use skim milk and sweetner.
and honestly, people probably know you have some dort of e.d., and no one is expecting you to be a twig. im dead serious. i was always like 100 lbs at like 5'6" and now im more normal and everyone compliments my body. im healthy and health is what matters and will make your life good. im not saying gain 50 lbs and eat big macs, im saying be healthy or you could die.
xx
I'm sorry for the way things are going right now, Sophia.
ReplyDelete