Right now, I just need to pour out some thoughts:
I feel... alone. I guess i've always felt alone, even when surrounded by friends, but now I feel really alone. Its like i've cut everyone off, and now all im surrounded by is my family who couldn't care less about me and who point out my flaws nonstop.
Idk.
I like this guy, like A LOT, but he doesn't live anywhere near me and I hate to be one of those boring girls who "fall in love" with some random guy, then make a big deal about him.
Im not saying im "in love" with him or anything, it's just that hes so mega fantastic and I feel so fucking empty, I just wish someone would come along and make me feel a little less empty for once.
But I don't trust him. I never trust attractive people because it seems like they all think they're too good to fall in love with someone, or to at least have one fucking INNOCENT relationship with nothing physical involved.
Sometimes, I feel like everyone's out to get me.
Its like all of the relationships i've had have all been so superficial, just a succession of arm candy one after another and I want more but at the same time I don't want anyone fucking near me because I feel fat and like I don't measure up or something.
Idk.
Sometimes, I wake up at night and I look out of my window at the sky and I feel alone. Like im left with nothing but my thoughts, and what I think and then I realize I dont KNOW what the fuck I think. Half the shit I think doesnt even make sense.
Its like I feel the deep twisting bite of depression sinking into me again, and I thought I was over that shit but it keeps coming back for revenge.
I always feel these pangs in my stomach, my head, my soul.
It feels like something is horribly wrong, but I don't know what to do to fix it and I don't even want to bother anymore.
I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
I just wish I could figure out what the fucking problem is so it could be solved.
I cant stand it.
Sometimes, when i'm in my friends cars and I look out of the window, everything seems so beautiful and tragic like im living in a fucking novel and I think that maybe im just too intense with everything I do but I know I can't change myself, and i'm not adjusting to the way things are and I just don't fucking know.
Fasted today.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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your post made me sad. because i often feel the same way. utterly alone. despite having people around me who love me. it's strange. but i almost think i deserve it, some days.
ReplyDeletehaving hope for the future - that things can only get better from here - helps me a lot. and so does knowing that every other time in the past that i've felt like giving up on life, i've gotten through it and learned something from it.
keep your head up. thinking of you.
laur.
"beautiful and tragic"(from your post)
ReplyDeletelike broken butterfly wings.
it might take awhile for them to heal but one day they will, and you will fly.
until then...
stay strong <3
Hey baby, I may not be a dashingly attractive romantic man, but I'm here, we're all here. You're never alone :)
ReplyDeleteKiki xx
p.s, does he know you like him?
♥
ReplyDeleteIt'll be okaaaaay!
xo
Victoria
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
mucho lovin :)
Sometimes, when i'm in my friends cars and I look out of the window, everything seems so beautiful and tragic like im living in a fucking novel and I think that maybe im just too intense with everything I do but I know I can't change myself, and i'm not adjusting to the way things are and I just don't fucking know.
ReplyDelete---
I felt that way and had to fight tears in the backseat. The music blaring and everything and all I felt was some hole in me.
"We are born alone. We think alone. We live alone. Humans die alone."
I've accepted it as the way things are, but I don't want you to think the same way. Ag.
I read your blog, one of your many followers, but I've never commented before.I know what you mean, your words were like they were coming from my head and everything I read I feel. It's the devil's buddy and it's depression. I mean really, it's plain, non-diluted, pure depression in the most raw form and damn it hurts. It's kind of a thing that just becomes a part of you, like having bad eyesight, you get accustomed to it, and if you take medicine it's like putting on glasses and seeing everything clearly. But some days it's like you lost your glasses and you just have to trudge through it hoping the next day is better. I'm not really sure if I'm making much sense. We think alone, but we don't live alone. Treasure your mind and your thoughts because they're yours and they'll always be yours but don't lose yourself in them. I feel like I sound like an old woman or something, but oooh well. I hope you look outside one morning and feel not so alone.
ReplyDeletexo
Amazing, it is just as if you looked right into my mind and world of feelings and thoughts and described perfectly what I am unable to articulate :')
ReplyDeleteBut you are not alone honey,including me there are a hell lot of people how feel just the same- let's be strong together =)♥