step dad and best friends

my step dad is such a fag.
i really really hate him with every fiber of my being.
yesterday he started screaming at me [idk why?] and was all like "make your own damn plate of food how the hell am i supposed to make you a plate of food when you eat like a bird then eat like a pig?" when i never asked for a plate in the first plate and just took what my mom had given me.
so i yelled at him back of course and ended up breaking shit i need after storming off to my room.

so i didnt eat dinner, and i didnt eat breakfast this morning, and i can just hear him saying 'there she goes again, trying to get attention' because thats what he always says.

i broke my ankle the summer of 8th grade and there was bone sticking out and blood everywhere and you know what he said?

"get her a band aid shell be fine. she just wants attention."

so i got to sit on the couch in excruciating pain for 2 days before my mom took the time off her work to look at my ankle THAT HAD FUCKING BONE STICKING OUT OF IT. and then she decided we should go to the hospital.


im actually afraid to eat.
because if ive been "eating like a pig" then ive been eating more than i thought and if i eat more than i need to then ill get fat and if i get fat my life will be ruined forever and ill never been thin and....


god.
too many thoughts.

all i have to say, is i hate my stepdad.

next subject:

my best friend m who is one of the few females im actually friends with because i dont get along well with girls,
has been ignoring me.

last time i talked to her was in december and it was for five minutes to see if she was coming over.
since then ive called a few times but she never answers and i never leave a message.

then the other day she got on aim and was like 'omg i forgot your birthday im so sorry'

but i was kinda pissed more because of the fact that shes been ignoring me without reason and on top of that didnt remember my birthday when my birthday was already shitty enough.

so anyways. she was like 'omg i forgot your birthday im so sorry'
and i was like 'huh?' [idk why]
and she was like 'your birthday. it was on the 30th. im sorry'
and i was like '... my birthday is on the 31st.'
then she was like 'oh'
and i was like 'its kewl ill live' because i figured its only a birthday i might as well let it go

and then she stopped iming me.
even though she was still online.

so i im'd her and asked why she kept ignoring me at random moments and she didnt answer.

so i messaged her on myspace and she read it but she didnt answer again.

im starting to wonder if its because i told her about my ED and since then we havent really been talking.

actually, i dont think we were talking much before then either...






then yesterday i was talking to b one of my male best friends and he was joking around saying 'are you anorexic? you sure could pass for one' and i was laughing saying 'oh no im not anorexic im bulimic, cuz you know i just love tasting my food twice' [sorry if i offend anyone]
and we were just messing around then all of a sudden he goes 'seriously though, sometimes i wonder if you have an eating disorder... you never ate at lunch when you went to school [im being home schooled now] and you never get off the phone to go eat dinner at night and you think you look fat in everything.'
and i didnt say anything because i was terrified he knew.
so after an awkward silence i go 'b thats ridiculous, why would i do that to myself? im perfectly happy with the way my body is.'
and i was pretty surprised at how well i lied but he didnt sound like he believed me. he just said 'sure' and i told him id call him back later.
its weird because weve only been best friends for about 4 or 5 months but he knows me better than anyone else i know and theres little stuff about me that he notices that no one else ever seems to and its like i never have to tell him anything straight out because he already knows. now if only he wasnt super obsessed with his gf then we could have more one-on-one besty time.




i dont want him to know about this though.
ana is one thing that im perfectly content to keep to myself.



sorry aobut the long ass post.

i think im gunna go weigh myself.



peace <3