been M.I.A. from the internet recently...

okay so ive been detached from the internet the past few days... but i have a good excuse. my internet "provider" has been fucked up recently. i mean like the corporation in whole. its jacked.
and i put provider in quotations cuz they dont provide shit. my internet is always turning off and on. it sucks.

okay so recently ive been trying really hard to get back into my exercising everyday and no binging thing. but its like lately theres been so many damn people over at my house for the new year and for birthdays [not mine] and for so much bullshit and its like everytime someone sees me they make a cfomment like "i never see you eat" [but never "youve lost weight" wtf is that?] so i end up shoving some ridiculous amount of chocvolate or cookies in my mouth then spitting it out once i leave the room. =/

problem is its not always that i can just leave the room easily.

i havent gained anything though and i dont know how the hell i havent i mean with everything ive been eating and all the sugar and grease i ended yup weighing 119 this morning after a three day stint of 123 llbs.

yeah,

thats right.

123 LLBS.

AWFUL RIGHT?


ehh.

im just glad its back down to 119.

im so ready top start off this new year with some serious restricting. funny thing is, i know that ive been restricting to 100 cals a day [usually hitting lower around 90 cals when i was actually restricting] and i know that in order to loose weight i have to up my restriting number to around 300-500 but its like i just dont want to... i know ill have to actually FORCE myself to eat enough to hit it. i swear there is some sick glory and pride going to bed knowing that im not eating enough to keep a 5 year old alive. its great. but im not losing weight.

so ill be changing my numbers everyday [of course to keep starvation mode at bay] but ill be stretching the food into smaller amounts over the course of the day.

and working out a lot more.

lotssss more.


on a lighter note, a friend of my mom [well call him t] has a sister who is the head of a mojor modeling agency and he really wants to send her a portfolio of me and get me into it cuz he thinks i could do it.

im kinda scared tho.
i mean, like i KNOW im not skinny enough. and pretending i am is just straight sick.
but what if im not rpetty enough.

or worse still, what if hes not really serious [ive heard him mention it a few times] and i got my hopes of fame and glamour for nothing. i mean i know i can accomplish anything and whatever but modeling isnt something you work at and get better at. [well it is, but if your ugly then your just plain ugly. theres just no hope =[[ ]


on an even lighter note, i bought the latest issue of vogue yesterday. it was great. now pages of thin models adorn my walls.
and i get to tell people that im jsut really into modeling.

yess.


haha. yeah ive been avoiding my fitday account too. more so because i have no idea wtf garbage ive been shoveling lately and i cant even begin to geuss the calories ive been eating.
im scared.
but its like if i dont update it everyday then it isnt accurate.
and if its not accurate and someday in the future someone reads it and is like "wtf if this girl didnt eat for 5 days and didnt loose a single pound then she must be straight mutant" or something improbable like that. [i know im weird shut up.]

but i geuss its not my fault if my internets been off and i was too lazy to gmeasure or get a pen and paper to write it down...... right?

okay okay i know its my fault. enough slip ups. im really about to start getting into my stuff again and following the rules and keeping everything updated.




hmm.

well, while i go think about ways to get my fat ass from 'please dont ever wear anything that doesnt engulf your entire body with linen so i dont have to see the fat folds again' and try to get to where i need to be, you look at fabulous pichurs of fabulous people.

peace<3 href="http://s103.photobucket.com/albums/m153/hellophoto623/?action=view&current=rhaisabatista.jpg" target="_blank">








































































[some of my top fav models would deff have to be gemma ward, pania rose, abbey finlayson and ciara nugent]


toodles =]



p.s.

i forgot to finish posting the rest of my pichurs the other day.



oh wait i lied its just this one =/