break-ups and C&S.

so last night, i broke up with my [ex] boyfriend.
he was a total liar, he lied about everything and anything. it really bothers me when people do that like the expect me to be stupid enough to never notice. i always knew he was a total liar but i caught him a few days ago and he swore that hed never lie about anything again, even the smallest of things.

then he was talking to some girl, [its not about the girl, its about the fact that he lied] and i asked him about it because i already knew but wanted to see if hed lie about it.

and hey waddaya know, he lies about it.

he even goes as far as to swear on my life, and his, that he hasnt even spoken to any member of the female population for the past three weeks.

so my friend M sent me proof that he was a total liar, and i told him about it. i gave him plenty of chances to come clean about it but he didnt.
so long story short, i cussed him out, made him feel like shit then broke up with him.

i was tired of him anyways i geuss.



so anyway...
for the past three days ive been eating exactly 65 calories becuase ive had one grapefruit all the same size, and ive gotten great results.

this morning, the scale said 114.
i really didnt think id be this easy once i got over the 120 plateau.

then i remembered the whole 'keep changing your caloric intake or youll go into starvation mode and gain all that weight back' thingy.

so today i had a 90 calorie special k breakfast cereal bar. plus my daily grpafruit is 154 cals for the day.
im wondering if i need to up the calories more?
i think ill jsut leave it alone.
i love all the low calorie special k shit i bought a few weeks ago.

makes finding out what to eat a whole lot easier when im not eating fruits or vegetables.


so yesterday someone asked me if i eat meat.
i said no, and they asked me if i was a vegan.
but im not. i still eat fish.
not to sound cruel or anything but when i used to eat i liked meat a lot. i dont really care too much about the poor baby animals. they taste good =[ plus what else do they have to live for? [do they have promising careers in science fields to look forward to?]
but then they overfed it to me [the meat] and now im sick of it. plus if you work out a lot and eat meat youll do nothing but gain muscles [weight] because of the high protein. so i just cut it out of my diet.

i cant stand the thought of gaining any weight. whether its water weight, muscle weight, or fat weight. i hate it all.

yesterday, i felt really sick [like catching a cold kind of sick] and fell asleep watching the matrix. plus the whole thing with my x kinda stressed me out.
so i fell asleep around 8:30 p.m. ish and woke up in my bed at 1:oo a.m. ish.
idk wat it was but i just couldnt sleep anymore.

i had dreamt about walking down runways in chanel again and cereal bowls that were empty. it was rlly weird.

i havent felt hunger in the past 3 or 4 days and dont really think it exists at all anymore. im starting to think that hunger is merely a thought entertained by my mind that makes me think im a slave to my body's needs.

but i started feeling hungry.
not actual hunger, but just the 'in my head' hunger. and i wanted cereal so bad.

so i sat there for an hour contemplating throwing everything away.

but i didnt want to do it.

but i got up anyways and poured a huge bowl of cereal. honey bunches of oats to be exact.

then i grab a huge spoon and shove it all in my mouth. but i cant swallow.

i wanted to. but i didnt want to. and my mind won the fight over my body being hungry.

i chewed it up, and spit it out in the garbage disposal. the taste was amazing. and i didnt have to feel the sick full feeling. but it wasnt exactly cutting it. so i drank a bottle of water and got out the milk and sweet n low. i mixed a small packet of sweet n low with half a cup of milk then drank it. and like i figured, it tasted just like the milk from the cereal bowl. except not as many calories because it didnt have the real sugar. that mixed with the taste of the cereal in my mouth, it felt like i had really eaten it. i think i deserved getting to drink the half cup of milk because i made it down to my STGW.

i weighed myself after and i was still 115. ive noticed my weight doesnt jump around as much as it did a few days ago.

after that i went back to bed and fell asleep pretty quick.

got up this morning, thought the scale said 115 but asked my sister to make sure because im blind as all hell and turns out it said 114. im so terrified of gaining the weight back. i dont want to weigh 120 ever again.
ill be down to 105 quick. i have to.


so i think im gunna go have a C&S session with some more cereal. no milk this time. i have to get back to my schedule.

peace <3