sick. formulas. math. ana. help me?

so yesterday i sat up till 4 in the morning comming up with a plan to loose as much eight as fast as i can.
normally i loose 1-3 lbs a day when i fast and i usually fast for 3 or 4 days.

i figured that if i fast for three days then work out for three hours and do ballet for an hour and 30 minutes then i will permanently loose a pound a day if following the law that says it takes 3500 calories to remove one pound of fat.

so the pound a day plus the minimum of 1 llbs a day totals at -2 llbs and then i multiplied 2 by the amount of days (3) and got 6.

so i would weigh 114 llbs at minimum.

because my average pounds lost during fasts is usually 2 llbs though,

the average of the weight i should loose would have been loosing 3 llbs a day multiplied by the number of days and i get 9.

so i would weigh 111 lbs.

at average.

if i lost 3 llbs a day plus the added 1 llb of permanence then i would loose 4 llbs a day multiplied by the number of days is 12.
so 12 - 120 (my cw)
is 108 llbs.

i would have been 3 llbs shy of my gw that ive been trying to get to for the past month. IN THREE DAYS.



so last night that was the plan.

and i was actually so excited that i couldnt sleep.

then i fell asleep, woke up at 3 and couldnt wait to go work out.


then it all fell apart.

the weirdest thing happened to me.

honestly, i dont even enjoy food anymore. i like the taste but the feeling of being full is the most disgusting thing to me in the world.

food has lost its appeal.


but then, i walked into the kitchen,

and saw food.
and i wanted it.

more than anything int he world.
i wanted all of it.

not because of the taste, or the fullness.

but because it was food.

it was only the idea that appealed to me.

then something even weirder happened.

i stood there for a minute, and i swear things started spinning. the room went round and round and out of no where, i sprint towards the pantry, and rip out as much food as i can.

i pulled out cereal,
cookies,
crackers,
soup,
bread,
peanut butter,
all my low fat low calorie stuff,

everything in there.

and i started shoving it down my throat.
and i started crying.
and i havent cried since the fifth grade when my dad died.

i just cried and cried and smiled and shoveled.

i pulled out creamer and milk from the fridge,
i pulled out pepsi,
i pulled out mayonnaise,
and started making myself a scrambled egg sandwhich.
and oatmeal.
and chicken noodle soup.

and i ate it all at the same time.

it was disgusting but i did it anyway.

the usually loud voice in my head got quiet.
very quiet.

quieter than rosie o donalds nutritionist.

and i kept going.

but the counter in my head kept counting.

90 calories

20 calories

100 calories


my family was all downstairs and i was sitting there, cereal all over the floor, oatmeal in my hair and chocolate all over my face when my little sister creeped uo behind me and gasped louder than ive ever heard.
she asked me what i was doing, and i just sat there blankly.
didnt say a word.

then she screams "mama!!! paris is having one of those breakdown things!" and she runs downstairs.

so faster than the fucking speed of light i throw everything on teh floor away, sweep everything up, clean off the counter, put the food away, turn of the stove, and put my hair up.

20 minutes later and my mom comes upstairs [she didnt really care, she was just curious im sure]
and asks what my sister is screaming about.

i tell her that she just has an overactive imagination and my mom looks at me funny and goes back downstairs.

doesnt suspect a thing.


then the guilt and self-hatred hits me like a brick in the face.

ana would go away now that ive pissed her off,
id be left alone fat and disgusting,
id gain weight and never be able to get it off,
and id never get to 105 llbs.


and i felt sick.

absolutely sick to my stomach.
the image of food kept coming back into my mind over and over again till i ran to the bathroom to throw up.

i didnt want to throw up.
i hate throwing up.
i didnt try to throw up.


but it happened.

then i remembered the counter inside my head.

i realize now that i only ate food i knew the exact calories of.

nothing else.


so i counted it up [knew the exact measurements]

and it totaled to 766 calories.

yes,

766.

thats the most ive eaten in the past 3 months.

this is bad.



im going to bed now.

toodles <3


p.s.- ill be taking down the pictures i put up of myself so i can stop being paranoid. =/

if you want to see them, ask