okay so ive been trying to eat normally so that i grow to my potential height but idk its like the more i try to eat the less i end up consuming.
today wasnt bad though, i ate my highest number of calories since november i think.
900 cals today.
if i was still trying to continue in the path of ana i think id kill myself..
idk all the leniency im giving myself is making me feel nervous and completely out of control...
today b invited me to go hang out with some people i dont know including some guy who says he really wants to meet me 'because im hot'. god kids are so uncreative these days =/
anyways.
i wanted to go because i know that i need to make new friends but for some reason, the steely confidence i once had seems to have floated off with my sanity.
idk what was wrong with me. i felt nervous and insecure and was absolutely terrified of having to meet a large group of people i dont know.
i knwo that ill never make new friends in this stupid new snobby town if i dont get out there but its like i just couldnt... i think ive developed an intense fear of rejection since having started homeschooling.
so i said id go but at the last second i made up an excuse and now i kind of feel like the ship has sailed and ill never get my chance to just hang out with people my own age.
then b kept calling me and telling me to jsut meet them down there later but i kept making excuses and...
idk
im wondering if i should just throw myself out there into the water and hope to god i can swim or if i should just wait until i regain my confidence and become more secure with myself as an individual first.
not saying i was insecure before.
im just insecure now.
kinda.
i think i hold standards too high for myself =/
ughhh idk i feel like im dancing in limbo =//
i wish ana would come back.
things felt so much better empty
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i say jump in and your confidence will come back - the longer you stay shut away the more insecure you will feel, trust me. It only takes one time of forcing yourself to get the ball rolling. I know it's hard to have made such a hard choice but well done for trying to make it work, stay strong!
ReplyDeleteGo for it next time! The only way your insecurities will disappear is if you try to ignore them, some good friends is just what you need, good luck! x
ReplyDeletegood for you for wanting to be taller. (i'm happy you're eating, but you can ignore that.) i know it's so horribly hard. i think those of us with food and body issues are especially sensitive. i second Sarah - good luck!
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