failure. again.

so i did it again.

512 calorie binge, WHOOP DEE FUCKING DOO.

wtf is wrong with me?

its like since the new year everytime i try to fast i fuck it up on the first night.

are you kidding me?

i used to be able to go on four day fasts on just water now i cant even make it past one full day.

i hate myself.

i knew it was gunna happen.

i only meant to get my water because i couldnt sleep.

i told my self i was just gunna run in and get water.

then i saw the scrambled eggs.

the cubular fucking eggs.

and i looked at it for a while.

stared at it.

its perfect color, its perfect shape.

then i thought
"theres no point in what im doing. im never going to loose weight, and im going through all this bullshit for nothing. i know i want to eat. why cant i just do it? why cant i just be normal and have food whenever i feel like it? just put it on the plate and eat it its not that hard, just eat the fucking food!"

and then i thought

"no, dont do this. today and every day before it will have been for nothing. youll have gotten no where again. youll regret it. dont let yourself be ruled by fucking cube eggs for gods sake. its disgusting anyways. you dont want it. you dont want that full feeling or the taste in your mouth. just wrap it back up, and throw it in the fridge. just let it go, and go back to bed then tomorrow you can resume day two."

but then i stuck it on the plate and shoved it into the microwave. and my stepdad walked into the kitchen. he offered for me to eat in the living room. so i ran with the plate into the living room, got all comfy and looked at it. for a few minutes i had no intention at all of eating it. i just wanted to have it. so no one else could.

then he goes "well are you going to just stare at it or are you going to eat it" and realizing he was watching i stuffed then 1/2 cups worth of egg into my mouth.
and went back into the kitchen.

i kept thinking all or nothing, either i eat everything or i eat nothing.
and since i had already eaten i figured it wouldnt make a difference.
and i went after the peanut butter cookies like i usually do.

and kept eating from there.

now i feel sick.

and regret it more than anything.

so tomorrow, i begin again.


sometimes i want to stop.
sometimes i wish i didnt have to starve.
sometimes i think its not worth it.
sometimes i wish i could just be like everybody else.

but i cant stop.
and i do have to starve.
and it is worth it.

im just a spoiled girl whos too weak to keep the food out of her mouth.


but tomorrow,

i start all over.

day one of my fast.

and im getting rid of those god forsaken peanut butter cookies and the cube eggs.

because even though i fuck up.
and the scale only seems to climb higher,
and the last time it went down a significant amount was before x mas,

theres still hope.
and a burning desire for perfection.

so im not going to stop.
im going to keep going.

because like it or not,



ill get it right eventually.