i weigh 120.
i have no fucking comments on my failure.
i jsut haaadddd to ruin everything again today.
my mom took me out, and got mad when i said i wasnt hungry.
when we went out again later, she started yelling at me so i ordered just to shut her up.
but i ate.
i didnt have to. no one shoved a tube down my throat and forced me to.
but i didnt.
wanna know why?
becuase i am a fat disgusting failure, and i can never stick things out.
im lazy, and its easier for me to inhale as much food as i can without thinking of the consequences or the calories.
my mother is a fucking cunt and has reverted back to calling me fatty everywhere we go.
i havent spoken to my ex and i dont rlly want to.
its kind of hard without him because i cant talk to any of my other friends about what i go through involving my ED, my parents, or the fights.
but i was sick of him anyways.
the only time i ever really loved him was when he ignored me and never said 'ily'.
then he became obsessed with me and ruined everything.
and i didnt love him back but i said it anyway hoping that i could force myself to like him.
which is pretty shitty.
im having a pretty fucked up day.
im too weak minded to fast.
i geuss im gunna go clean and feel sorry for my fat stupid ass.
you kow, sometimes i really wish id just die already. theres no sense in suffering if im just gunna die later.
idk... im in a morbid mood.
this is bullshit.
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oh god girl im sorry. but dont worry, you'll pull through. life can be really fxckin shitty sometimes but you'll get there. dont be too hard on yourself. we all lovee you :):)
ReplyDeletexxx
I'm sorry it's been a hard day. I'm right there with you in a morbid mood. I can't believe your mom says those things to you. Its not fair.
ReplyDeleteBut don't give up. I have faith that you can meet your goals. We ALL fuck up.
stay strong! you'll reach 115 again! if it hurts you that much, next time your mom calls you fat, just look at her and say "where do you think that i should lose weight?"
ReplyDeletewhen she tells you, take it as constructive criticism, and tell her that if she thinks you're so fat, then why does she insist that you eat? when you're out with her, order the same meal as she does, and eat waaay less than her, then look compare your plates and say something like "wow, you mustve been pretty hungry". make her feel like shit, but do it in a sneaky way. make her feel bad for calling you fat. then try to focus on the ares that she says she thinks you should change. she doesnt have any right to tell you that you're fat. you're not fat. you're beautiful! stay strong girl, as jenna said we ALL fuck up. it's just a matter of picking yourself up and brushing yourself off. we all love you and believe in you! if you're looking for support you can always get in my email, or if you're in the US, we could text. we're all in need of support.
think thin sweetie
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Don't worry about the 120, think how good it will feel when you drop like, 5 pounds in the next couple of days - the easier it goes on, the easier it comes off!
ReplyDeleteand your mum sounds like a total headfuck and i cant imagine how hard it must be to be around that but i would say that if you can you should ask to speak to her and say, you are sending me very mixed signals when you criticise my weight and then get angry when i dont eat... it sounds like she might need to be told this in a calm, reasoned way as she obviously doesnt get how upsetting it is for you.
Hope tomorrow is easier!
LOL
ReplyDeletewow some of the stuff you guys said made me laugh like a fuckin lunatic XD
you guys are really great, idk what id do wiff out yews =']]
fuck numbers! seriously!! they are so sketchy and are never consistent. tomorrow youll weigh like 87 lbs or something crazy lol. then the next day youll be morbidly obese so dont fret.
ReplyDeleteand jeez no offense but your parents sound like the biggest bunch of assholes ever. are they fat? call them fat and ask them why theyre so fat and just complain thats its embarassing having lard ass parents lol.
I'm just going to say the one thing I've always wished someone anyone would say to me....I understand how you feel. I don't know if that helps at all but I really do understand I feel like that a lot. Hope things get better
ReplyDeleteMuch Love,
Ana Nas
Sophia: I actually DON'T remember high school. Almost at all. I remember bright lights and bad feelings. And the times I did yayo in the bathroom ((but that's pretty big ha ha)). HS has nothing to do with my current life ((college)).
ReplyDeleteLife gets better. I promise. Eventually you won't have to deal with your parents all and more and more you'll lead the life you want to live.